Can we just give every player and coach on the 2010 Auburn title team complete and total immunity in exchange for the whole truth about that season?
At this point anyone with a working brain knows that 2010 Auburn was one of the biggest cheating teams in NCAA history. I mean, just look at the roster of allegations. From buying Cam Newton, to robbing houses, to paying players, to insane amounts of drug use, to illegally recruiting players, to changing grades to keep players eligible, if there’s an NCAA rule on the books, 2010 Auburn probably broke it.
Hell, Auburn was such a mess that the school hired private security guards to keep tabs on its own players.
Even 1980’s Miami players are like, “Damn, y’all need to chill at Auburn.”
In the wake of the Selena Roberts story, there are now ten different players that have pointed the finger at Auburn for cheating over the past several years. What incentive would ten different players have to make up lies about Auburn?
Really, there are none.
Through it all Auburn fans — a family of cult-like true believers consistently swilling their Cammy-Cam juice — have insisted that there is nothing to see here, that the media and the world and everyone with a brain who believes that the Tigers cheated is just jealous and out to get Auburn.
Yes, this theory makes perfect sense, because it happens time and again throughout American history that people who don’t live in rural Alabama become jealous and obsessed with people who live in rural Alabama.
The NCAA hasn’t busted Auburn, AU fans scream.
Is this really a surprise? The NCAA couldn’t bust Miami with a full investigative dossier handed over. The NCAA didn’t have to even do the work and they screwed it up. The NCAA couldn’t convict Osama Bin Laden of terrorism. The NCAA’s failure is expected.
Well, the Auburn media…
If Cam Newton was pissing on their heads, the Auburn media would report that it was raining outside. The Auburn media, a group that actually lives in Auburn and spends every day with the team, has never uncovered any wrongdoing at all. If you’ve ever wondered what a captured media looks like, the Auburn Tiger reportorial corps is the perfect example. They only want to write stories about puppy dogs and rainbows, the team visiting elementary schools, the biggest cheating enterprise in recent college history was taking place right under their noses and the entire Auburn media has broken not a single negative story about the team.
Think about how crazy this is to pull off. It’s a willfull blindness, a complete and total abdication of independent sports reporting.
Access corrupts. Absolute access corrupts absolutely.
We all know Auburn cheated. (Deep down even the most diehard Auburn fan knows this. You argue most aggressively against the things you secretly know are true).
The 2010 Auburn team is like Al Capone back in his heydey, they’re going to slide on the big violations and eventually they’re going to get hit with the equivalent of a tax evasion charge. My best guess? Excessive meal plan usage.
So I’ve got a solution to everything, let’s give total immunity to 2010 Auburn players and coaches in exchange for the whole truth about the season.
I’m willing to do this because I’m certain the stories are so amazing.
Can you imagine what Cam and his dad would say about how they got the money, what they did with it, what shady individuals were involved in the transfer of cash? Think about what the meetings with the Auburn brain trust were like as they scrambled to find fig leafs to cover up blatant NCAA cheating. Where did all the cash come from to pay players, who was funneling it into the program? How did the players spend the cash? Having $500 to spend on a night out in Auburn is like having $10k in Vegas. How wild were the parties and the drug use? How corrupt and complicit was the local police force? Has Mike Dyer ever actually been inside an Auburn classroom? Can you imagine Gene Chizik’s speeches, twirling the AU leather jacket around his head while he foamed at the mouth. I mean, good Lord, Gene Chizik won a national title, how big of an upset was this? That’s like Lindsay Lohan winning the Nobel Prize. How many players were actually illiterate? What about Jonna Chizik’s inevitable prayer meetings to combat NCAA injustices? How many guns were confiscated during the season? What kind of crazy stuff was Kristi Malzahn doing all season? Can you imagine Jonna and Kristi being interviewed about the season?
The entire scope of potential true stories is just unbelievable and mind-boggling entertainment.
At some point the 2010 Auburn season is going to make one hell of a 30 for 30 movie for ESPN.
So why not just give immunity to everyone in exchange for these stories right now?
Wouldn’t it be worth it?
I think so.
I’m All In.
How about y’all?