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This weekend Larry David played golf with President Obama on Martha’s Vineyard.
Given that whether or not there will be a ninth season of the funniest show in television history, “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” I thought I’d draft a potential outline for the season opener, Larry plays golf with the President. Given that golf has a recurring role on Curb, playing a round of golf with Obama is a perfect episode for the show.
Hell, given David’s storytelling ability, the round of golf with Obama could be the framework for the entire ninth season.
With that in mind, here’s a rough outline of a Curb episode surrounding Larry’s round with Obama.
I hope you guys enjoy it. (By the way, Larry David would be my number one choice for golfing partner if I could pick anyone in the country).
1. As part of an interview about Presidential humor, Larry, who has recently received a golf invitation from the President, refers to President Obama as a mulatto.
The word, which means half-white and half-black, provokes a minor controversy because no one is sure whether or not it’s still an appropriate word to use or not.
2. Worried that Obama might consider him to be racist, Larry contemplates adopting an African orphan in advance of their playing date.
After deciding that requires too much time and effort, he decides to become a Big Brother instead — figuring that he can be photographed with a black child he’s mentoring and show Obama the photo. But he’s assigned a white child as opposed to a black child.
When he arrives at Big Brother headquarters to complain about receiving a white child instead of a black child, he’s kicked out of the program.
3. As a final resort, he attempts to convince Wanda Sykes to let him babysit her eight year old nephew.
At first she’s thrilled by Larry’s generosity, but when she arrives early to pick up her nephew she sees Larry there with a professional photographer and a pony.
Larry has been trying to pretend he’d taken his little brother on a dude ranch vacation.
He’s busted and will have no photo to prove he’s not racist.
4. Uncertain about the ethics of playing golf with the president, Larry manages to get an invitation to play golf with Bill Clinton.
But when Clinton finds out that the only reason he’s playing with Larry is so Larry can pump him for information about playing with the current president, Clinton angrily cancels their golf date.
5. Larry’s golf bag has to go through a metal detector before he can play with the President.
For some reason the golf bag won’t pass inspection and Larry has to leave his golf bag and play with other clubs.
Larry, who is convinced this is a strategic ploy by the President to gain a competitive advantage, nods.
When Obama arrives his golf bag is placed on the cart without any clearance.
6. As Obama kisses Michelle goodbye in the pro shop, Larry comments on Michelle’s well-toned arms.
Not content with just complimenting, Larry follows it up by saying, “They really flow well into your chest. Nice symmetry.”
Michelle frowns, Obama shakes off the awkward encounter.
“Okay, Larry, there’s only one rule when you play golf with the President. 1. Everything’s off the record. Nothing that I say on the course can be repeated anywhere. Fair enough?”
Larry laughs, “What? Who am I going to tell anything? No one cares about me.”
7. Larry wants to drive the golf cart, but a secret service agent refuses because Larry does not have his driver’s license with him.
Larry’s license is in his golf bag, the one that didn’t make it through security.
Obama drives the golf cart.
Larry, sitting next to Obama, says, “Let me ask you something, do you have your driver’s license on you?”
8. After hitting a wayward tee shot on the first hole, rather than take a stroke penalty, the president sends his secret service agents in search of the lost tee shot.
The agents, speaking via walkie talkies while combing through the underbrush, eventually locate the ball.
Obama hits his approach to within three feet of the hole.
“Birdie, LD,” he says upon sinking the putt, offering Larry a fist pound.
Larry has bogeyed.
9. On the next hole Larry hits a wayward tee shot and requests that a secret service agent assist him in finding his own ball.
The secret service agent replies, “I’m sorry, sir, we can’t leave the President.”
Larry takes a lost ball penalty.
10. Having lost his golf ball and not having his own bag, Larry needs to borrow a golf ball from the President.
Obama’s golf balls all have the presidential seal on them and are identical.
After both men tee off on a blind fairway, one ball lands in the center of the fairway, while the other ball comes to rest directly against a large oak tree, a virtually unplayable lie.
Obama immediately goes to the ball in the fairway, but Larry is convinced that’s his ball and that Obama’s ball has come to rest against the tree.
The two men argue.
Obama eventually closes with the line, “Respect the office, LD. Respect the office.”
Obama plays the ball in the fairway, Larry attempts a shot with his five iron, but breaks it on the tree, sending his ball backwards into the fairway.
11. As Larry is about to putt, Obama’s phone rings.
Obama steps off the green and takes the phone call.
An annoyed Larry steps back off his putt and misses.
On the next hole, it happens again.
Back in the cart, Larry asks who’s calling.
“I can’t tell you,” Obama says, “national security.”
12. Riding along in the golf cart, Larry asks, “I hate to bring this up, but is the term mulatto offensive?”
The awkward conversation continues with Larry inquiring, “How come nobody ever says you’re half white? I mean,” Larry continues, “everyone always says you’re black, but you’re half white too. Why does everyone forget about that part?”
13. A secret service agent, blocking the sunshine and casting a large shadow over the tee box, refuses to move for Larry’s tee shot.
When confronted about the issue, the secret service agent says, “Imagine if I moved and the president was shot.”
Obama, who has been on the phone in the golf cart, tees off next. But before he tees off, he turns to the secret service agent and says, “Would you mind moving, your shadow is distracting.”
The secret service agent moves.
14. President Obama has a one-foot putt.
Larry refuses to give it to him.
Obama is infuriated.
“I’m the President, Larry, respect the office.”
Larry says he doesn’t give anyone gimme putts.
Obama says, “No way Seinfeld makes me sink this.”
Then he drains the putt.
15. Larry’s impressed with President Obama’s five iron and asks to use it for a shot from the fairway.
Obama, “You like this club?”
Larry, “Yeah, it’s a great club. And I’m right at my five iron distance. You know, the one I broke trying to hit your ball against the tree. If I use the four it will be too much, if I use the six, it won’t be enough.”
Obama: “You’re a rules stickler, Larry. If we can’t have gimme puts we can’t share clubs on the course.”
Larry uses a four iron and flies the green.
Obama stares as the ball rolls down the hillside.
“Little too much club,” Obama says.
16. Larry becomes convinced that the helicopter pilot is attempting to distract him on his fairway approach shots.
On three consecutive holes he flies over just as Larry is about to swing.
All three shots are errant.
Meanwhile, Obama continues to take phone calls.
Every time Larry comes near Obama covers the phone and whispers, “national security.”
17. Larry, afraid that a national security emergency is underway and wondering what it could be, attempts to send a direct message to Jeff Garlin on Twitter.
Only he’s new to Twitter. So instead of direct messaging Jeff he sends out a Tweet to over one million followers: “What’s the story? Golfing with Obama. He says there’s a huge national security issue.”
The direct message is immediately retweeted across the country, shutting down air traffic and unleashing a national panic.
Susie, who had hoped to come to Martha’s Vineyard for the long weekend, misses her connecting flight.
18. As they prepare to tee off, Obama’s phone rings anew and an aide rushes over to him.
Larry can hear the president this time.
Obama speaks into the phone, “Oh, that’s bad. Really bad. Are you serious? I don’t know have any idea what to do.”
Larry’s convinced a terror attack has begun, another 9/11. He’s sure people will blame him for the president being distracted.
“Wait, Tony Romo’s still on the board?,” Obama asks. “Draft him!”
Obama’s been conducting his fantasy football draft during the golf round.
19. Larry turns back on his phone and sees that he has 14,000 Twitter mentions.
Larry has to decide whether to tell Obama that he’s provoked a national emergency via Twitter and broken the only rule of the presidential golf round.
Just as Larry’s about to confess, the helicopter suddenly lands on the fairway and a man with another phone comes sprinting towards them.
Seeking to flee the awkward conversation with Obama, Larry takes off running in the opposite direction…just as Michelle Obama happens to be walking to their tee box.
The episode ends with Larry being tackled by a secret service agent.