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My name is Kiiiiiiiiiid, Kid Rock!
Actually, no. No it’s not. Not even close. But, I put on my best mid-’90s fit over the weekend, paged my closest friends to join me and saw Robert James Ritchie perform in person. All that was missing was an ice cold Bud Light.
Yeah, right. There wasn’t a Bud Light in sight.
What was visible was a guy wearing a “F—S GIVEN” #00 jersey directly in front of me (keep scrolling through to see that beauty), nearly as much red, white and blue as a Fourth of July parade and enough Daisy Dukes to keep Pamela Anderson (partially) clothed for an entire summer.
So while Zach Dean was stumbling his way through the Big Easy, I was in Ohio, 10 minutes from home sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking ’bout tomorrow, singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long.
Or something like that.
I highly recommend seeing the Detroit Cowboy if the opportunity presents itself. Mr. Rock himself, now 52, is seemingly as entertaining as when his Devil Without A Cause album was released – and went Platinum – in 1998.
Also, that makes it 2/3rds of the Nightcaps army that was treating the weekend accordingly. Your move, Amber Harding.
Them That Cowboy?
From one Cowboy to another we go. Former Michigan defensive lineman Mazi Smith packed up his game and headed out west after being drafted by Dallas in the first round of April’s NFL Draft. Smith is being counted on by Dallas to sureup the team’s run defense. Considering Smith weighs more than 330 pounds and was very productive with the Wolverines, that sounds like a match made in football heaven.
One problem – Smith doesn’t like football. Ya know, his job.
“I don’t even like football,” Smith told Mike Leslie of WFAA. “I like hitting people. I’m serious.”
Despite doing a job he doesn’t necessarily love (who hasn’t done that!?), Smith at least seems ready and willing to punch the clock when called upon. Which is nice, considering he signed a 4-year deal for more than $13 million after being drafted.
“I’m on the payroll for a reason. I’m doing my job description,” Smith told the Cowboys website.
I’m with ya Mazi. I tell my OutKick bosses the same when the liver comes calling for a Nightcap while still on the clock. Tough gig, but it’s why they brought me in.
American Pie Gig Wasn’t Quite As Financially Rewarding
Sean William Scott, better known as “Steve Stifler” from the American Pie movies, found himself in the opposite situation as Mazi Smith early in his career. See,
Stifler Scott really liked acting, but the paycheck wasn’t exactly NFL money. As in – not even NFL practice squad player money.
The actor was recently a guest on The Rich Eisen Show and told the show’s host he made only $8k for his breakout role in 1999’s American Pie. And oh, by the way, the movie itself brought in more than $230 million at the box office. That, kids, is what you call a good ROI if you’re a movie studio.
When Eisen asked Sean William Scott if reports of him making only eight thousand dollars for the role were true, he confirmed as much. “I think so, yeah, because I remember afterward I bought a used Thunderbird for, like, $5,000 or maybe $6,000, I’m like, ‘Oh yeah, baby.’”
Oddly enough, that $8k which was soon down to between two and three thousand dollars, was not enough bank to live comfortably in Los Angeles.
“I don’t know what happened to the other $2,000 because I ended up having to work at the LA Zoo as a churro guy,” Scott told Eisen. “So maybe it was even less than $8,000.”
Stifler’s an all-time high school movie character. He’s 10x cooler than all those Breakfast Club nerds and I bet Cobra Kai respects him enough to leave him alone in the bathroom, unlike LaRusso. Not to mention, he was peak ’90s movie guy. You couldn’t get away with making American Pie or casting a Steve Stifler role today. You’d have to call it something like “Every Country’s Pie” and all the sex would take place in gender neutral bathrooms.
Either way, you deserved better SWS.
By The Way, Tara Reid’s Back
Since everyone is inevitably now going down an American Pie rabbit hole, why not check in on one of Stifler’s classmates, “Vicky?” Yep, she was played by Tara Reid and was the apple of that dbag Kevin’s eye. But whatever.
She’s 47 now (47!) and will be one of the stars of season 2 of Fox’s “Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test.” It’s on Fox so you just know it’s going to be good. Heck, I smell seven seasons, at least.
Anyways, here’s a couple of Tara Reid throwbacks to accompany your trip down memory lane.
Pat McAfee Makes It Awkward
Nobody made things more awkward than Jim Levenstein when he danced around in his boxers in front of Nadia and prematurely…well, you know what happened. But, Pat McAfee’s still relatively new entrance into ESPN could prove to be just as awkward.
Ok, maybe not that awkward, but awkward enough to make the Big J’s over at ESPN feel uncomfortable.
As you know, ESPN doesn’t like controversy unless it involves patting themselves on the back to give a man a woman’s award. In that case, they can’t get enough.
Though he’s not gifting ladies with balls trophies – yet – he is taking heat for a couple of tweets that aren’t exactly on-brand for the Woke Wide Leader.
First, there was his Larry Nassar tweet that had everyone up in arms.
And now, a tweet (or is it an X?) from 2012 where he opinions on Doris Burke. The ESPN NBA analyst – and likely replacement for the popular Jeff Van Gundy – bores McAfee during broadcasts. Or at least she used to.
It might soon get weird in Bristol. Weirder than a Dan Orlovsky broadcast.
Trevor Lawrence Heads To Camp, Mrs. Heads To Mexico
While ex-NFLer McAfee’s presumably still navigating his way around Bristol – when required to be on the ESPN campus – a current player, Trevor Lawrence, is in training camp. Jacksonville’s QB1 has been in training camp for just more than a week.
And while Lawrence spends his time in the playbook, on the field, in meetings and quite possibly in a dorm room, his wife, Marissa, is also staying away from the house. But Marissa’s time away from home looks much more fun than bumping arms with 300+ pound sweaty dudes while being yelled at by a guy(s) in coaching shorts and a visor.
Marissa apparently sent Trevor off and then headed below the border with the girls in Mexico.
It’s always nice to check in on Mrs. Lawrence’s vacations. What’s better is checking in on the comment section of vacation photos posted to her IG…
Pretty standard picture, right? Then, we take a look at the very first comment, presented to us by Instagram user cole.teller2:
Rough approach there. But as Dunder Mifflin’s most famous regional manager says: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky” – Michael Scott.
Heads up Marissa, maybe down the whole bottle before checking the comments. Thank me later!
Check Your Doors For Snakes
I’m not overly familiar with the reptiles in Mexico, but Marissa seems like she’s staying in a spot that’s kept pretty clean. Trevor, on the other hand, is in Florida which I’m told houses nearly as many snakes in homes as dogs and cats. So the Jags signal caller might want to check his dorm room door before turning in each night.
Otherwise, he might end up like the TikTok dad who’s head served as an appetizer for a cranky snake.
@haven1988 Snake bites Dad on Head… haha he thought he was gone.. 😂😂😂#funnymoments😂 #hilarious ♬ original sound – Stevie Haven
Tough look from pops here. Listen, I would need a change of underwear if a snake came anywhere near me, especially my face. So I’m not blaming my guy for being startled. But, the reaction was a bit over the top. Especially for what
appears appeared to be your typical man’s man. You can’t be screaming “I got bit,” and go stumbling down a sidewalk if you’re walking around in a CAT t-shirt, drink in hand.
Not to mention, Jake the Snake’s friend gave pops little more than a love tap.
Almost Football Time!
OK, time to slither our way out of Nightcaps. Afterall, we’re just a little more than 24 hours away from the must-see Zach Wilson – Kellen Mond duel in the Hall of Fame Game. Laugh all you want, but it’s the first real sign that football is back.
And one of these Jets or Browns (OK, probably not the Browns) rookies could be the next Tom Brady…
Before we officially countdown to kickoff, here’s some pregame appetizers to satisfy you.
*OutKick’s Nightcaps is a daily column that runs weekdays around 4pm EST.
If you have video of snake biting your head or an interaction with Tara Reid from the early ’90s, hit me up: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF