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A message from a recovering beer snob

Let’s start off the weekend with an email that should resonate with many of you, especially the Bourbon Bros® who are former members of the IPA Mafia™. Let’s not waste any time here because it’s Divisional Round weekend, and many of you need to hear this message before going on your weekend beer runs.

My name is Jeremy.

I  didn’t drink at all in high school.  I grew up in a tough part of town and I was taught to keep my head down and mouth shut.  I didn’t do any high school parties.  I got my first job at 16 and finished college thinking beer was for those who weren’t going to be major league baseball players like I was going to be.  Even if I struck out, at $7.25/hr in 1996, I had plenty enough to put a new muffler on my 1985 RX-7.

I went off to college where I’d only been introduced to the cheap beers, Natty Light, a cube of Kirkland light, Coors light, etc.  Never occurred to me, similar to my beige 1985 RX-7 with 13″ wheels and a racing stripe and window tint that had more bubbles than Miller High Life, the beers in my solo cups would be something I’d be judged on.

Then comes the guy with a six-pack of Arrogant Bastard.

Craft beer guy had it all.  Perpetual five o’clock shadow.  Brewery hat with a gargoyle.  Slim-fitting jeans juxtaposed to my 90’s straight outta East LA dickies shorts.  He talked of cascade and centennial hops, grain mashing, and a television show revolving around exotic Scottish guys who brewed amazing beers in situations befitting the Food Network show ‘Chopped’.

I took a pull on my Solo cup with Toby Keith-inspired beer muscles I told him I wasn’t into microbrews. The next moment, like a blonde who tried dancing in a not-yet-to-be-gentrified neighborhood, I was served. As Todd told me in front of MacKenzie, micro beers were something my dad called a St. Pauli or a Rainier.  They’re called craft breweries bro.

I was done for.  I grabbed my blue-turned-silver mountains and resigned myself to never let that happen again.  

I became an $11 beer that was gonna have its pony keg blown at any moment dude.  I’d look up the beer on Untappd, ready my hashtags, photo filter, and push myself and my flannel shirt, whose buttons cried in pain, to the front of the bar, do my best to make eye contact with the tattooed, bull nose-ringed vixen, and ask for a pull of that rare beer.

I’d squint to make out the pun-inspired beer name written in pink chalk.  In the push of the thirsty vans-wearing crowd, the beer titles were blurred by school board erasers.

Composed, I’d ask for a pull of that 17% ABV nitro-infused cinnamon coriander porter inspired by 17th-century sailors.  I’d bring it back to my friends who all agreed to smell it, but not taste it because they knew they couldn’t post it to social media.

My name is Jeremy, and I am a recovering Craft Beer snob.

####

I don’t know what Jeremy does for a living, but he has a real shot at becoming a Screencaps email superstar in 2022 if he can put together more work like this. I might even end up hiring the guy to do Saturday Screencaps this summer while I’m on the golf course if he can keep up this production. Please re-read that email. It’s incredible.

The guy painted a picture I’ve seen hundreds of times, especially the “brewery hat with a gargoyle” and the Untapped mention.

It’s going to be tough to top this one. Good luck.

Email: joekinsey@gmail.com

• Gerard W. wants in on this whole Bourbon Bro® wave that’s taking over the country. He even weaves in his love of his Toyota van:

You needed one more pour for that Bourbon to make you a Bourbon Bro.  It’s the 2nd one that gets to you.  2 pours of Bourbon will do what a 6 pack of Busch Light will do.  Kind of like that 2nd IPA I had to choke down a few years back when there wasn’t any Busch Light.  The 3rd one made me a believer in the IPAs. 

Now with that said, I still enjoy drinking piss beer with my buddies.  (Bud Light, Bush Light etc…)  But when the Mrs. and I go to dinner, I won’t get the stink eye from her if I only have 2 IPAs or a single pour of Bourbon.  That looks better than 4 or 5 Bush Lights.

Now that I am officially handing over the man card, our 2008 Toyota Sienna is the best vehicle we own.  I have a big truck but that old van is still very comfortable and fits the bill.

Hope the thing never dies….

• Jason M. in Colorado Springs brings up a very good question for the Screencaps booze hounds:

You talked about your Bourbon Bros experience on today’s screencaps and for guys not to get sucked into buying $300 dollar bottles of booze that are not that different than $50 dollar bottles.

My question is for you and the community is how much have you spent for a single bottle
of booze and how much are you willing to spend?

The most I have spent is $100 for a bottle of Lagavulin 16 scotch.

####

Not to sound like I’m bragging, but I’m not sure I’ve ever spent over $40 for a bottle of booze. Here’s the catch: I’ve had liquor brands sending me bottles since my Internet career took off. I’d say they started rolling in fast and furious around 2010, and by 2012-13 things got so crazy that I’d take boxes of booze to my extended family Christmas parties and tell people to take what they wanted. I’d also tip my FedEx driver with bottles.

I would keep the Bulleit rye for myself and the neighbors got the rest. Things have slowed down now that the bourbon brands barely have to market their products, but Buffalo Trace did send over a bottle of the Colonel E.H. in 2021, which was a very nice thing for them to do. I still have a bunch of testers the brands sent out over the years. It might be time to see what the Bourbon Bros® are willing to trade for these secret batches in my liquor cabinet.

• Bourbon Bros® Screencaps legend Diesel R. tells me via text that he’s starting to spend more and more on special bottles:

I spent 400.00 on a bottle of 44 year old Canadian club that was barreled in 1977 ( bought it for my Sister to give to my father for his birthday cause it was from the year she was born)

I’m working a deal right now for a bottle for $600.

• Mig has a message that could set off some fireworks:

You are spot on with the Bourbon Bros.  They are just IPA Mafia that went from their 30’s to their 40’s.  I play pool and golf with these guys but I am at least 10 years older than any of them. 

Last Tuesday’s pool night they were discussing throwing in a couple thousand each to put some barrel the said would auction off for $13K or so.  I declined to get on this great deal.  I found this link several years ago for regular bourbon drinkers. 

I can personally vouch for Ancient Age, Benchmark 8,  Evan WIlliams 100 proof and Very Old Barton.  You will seldom see any of these in a Bourbon Bros. collection.  It is beneath them  All decent tasting, all under $30 bucks for a 1.75 ML.  Benchmark is usually under $20.  All of these are great for mixing Manhattans which is the proper way to drink Bourbon.

I concur with David P about the Honda Ridgeline.  This would be a great choice for cruising the mean streets of Perrysburg.  Pulls a 20 ft Sea Ray, 25 hwy mpg, dual-action tailgate. and a trunk in the bed which converts to a cooler with drain for tailgating.  It also fits in your garage. Honda reliability which cant be beat.  I got it for 22k in 2018 when Honda did a style change and the new Ridgelines were going for 45K.  

 

• Louis M. writes:

Anyone else’s office seem like this? Management looking on knowing there is nothing we can do because of policy…. Lol

• John S. knows the content I’m looking for:

I took this picture over the weekend in South Alabama.  It appears someone either had a successful deer hunt or some hookers got out of hand.  Caption This!

• Don G. wants to have an intervention with me over this whole car search thing:

Joe, you seem like a really decent fellow. I think I am too. Take this in the spirit it is intended.

DO NOT BUY A MINIVAN. Those encouraging you to do so only want your eventual misery to join their company. Yes, they are useful for families with small kids. But, limit one per household, no more!!! Only, if you meet this qualification, you may buy a used minivan, let your small humans grind up Teddy Grahams and spill juice boxes into the upholstery and carpet and then sell it or burn it in 5 years. If you don’t have 3 or more tiny humans to cart around, you should not own a minivan. Full stop.

You are an adult man and you do manly things. Get a full-size Chevy or Ford truck with the crew cab. Without embarrassment you can haul other adult friends, small and full-size kids and all the cargo you need. You can wear a ball cap and jeans and stand tall. 

If you go the minivan route you might as well get a matching fanny pack and wear socks with your sandals.

Last bit of evidence to drive this home – Earnhardt never drove a minivan!

####

Again, I have to set the record straight here — my wife has a minivan! We’re not buying another one. And there is zero-point-zero chance I’m buying a full-size Chevy or Ford truck. Guys, I barely drive. I’m working 10-12 hour days at home on the Internet during the winter and golfing during the summer. I can’t imagine a full-size truck sitting around without use for days on end.

• Mike in Pasadena has a similar message:

Wanted to come off the bench. Couldn’t agree more with Chris B in Texas.  I am SHOCKED at the amount of Screencaps members,  recommending a MINIVAN for YOUR next car. 

Really !!?? WOW. 

I get the whole “Big Truck” – “He must be compensating” thing, BUT you park a second MiniVan in the driveway and it signals “you’ve given up”,  the Mrs. has your “package” in her purse. I can hear the neighbors now. SMH

Get yourself an SUV or a crew cab pickup truck (backseat for the kids) of whatever size and shape that fits your parameters,  has all the trappings of the MiniVan and none of the stigma – rightfully owned by the latter. 

When you’re ready to pull the trigger,  after much research – try https://www.autotempest.com/

It’s a search engine that searches all other car selling sites for you.  I’ve used it. 

Keep grinding Joe!

• Beau in Toledo has an incredible message on this whole car debate subject:

Joe, I’m about to end the debate on your next car.

But first, thank Mike T. from Idaho !  His pics from Mexico settled my Thursday dinner choice and made me search out where El Padrino parked their food truck tonight… El Padrino Street Tacos – Home | Facebook [Food Trucks… that’s a few days of content!]

I think I gained 5 pounds just on dinner.

As far as the next ride… Yeah, I get that You don’t want to get into a dick contest with trucks, but many of Us *use* ours.  Kindly remind readers to stop acting like gun-grabbers and going for dick jokes when it comes to trucks.

Here’s Your next car: 1970 ‘Cuda  [Ed Note: insert pic here]
Used Cars for Sale Sylvania OH 43560 Dave Stewart Auto Sales LTD

You said you only drive a few miles a week and the wife has a minivan… perfect… she can haul the flats of flowers and garden veggies, and YOU can have the best car in line to pick up the kids at school and the grocery store parking lot snagging a fresh box of DaddyPops and bottles of BBQ sauce. (is there a future ‘CapsBeef over BBQ and/or sauce with texas?!?)

And You won’t be the hippie holding up traffic at the green light while waiting on the stop/start option to get the engine re-fired to get thru the intersection.

This next line is a flashback to the Don’t Blink Week…

Just buy an old muscle car, Joe.

####

Two things from Beau’s email:

(1.) I’m happy to hear he’s supporting the El Padrino food truck. The owner is a drinking buddy of mine and is one of those Mexicans you don’t want to get into a drinking contest with. Woah buddy, when it’s on, it’s officially ON. Sergio is a great guy.

(2.) I LOVE the muscle-car idea. Really make a splash in the neighborhood. Lay a few patches at the end of the street to announce my presence. Cause the neighborhood women to start texting each other about how I must be hitting a midlife crisis. All the neighborhood dads suddenly want to stop by to talk transmissions instead of mowing techniques.

I could do donuts in the school parking lot pickup line & start running from the cops. Talk about intriguing. I might be hitting a midlife crisis just typing up this post & Beau’s reading my mind.

• And finally today, we have Colin O’D in Warrenville, IL who needs advice on the perfect gumbo. He writes:

Love the column and what you’re doing—I check screen caps every day and have introduced more than a few dads to TNML. Personally, I’m a Cub Cadet and Coors-over-ice guy, but I digress.

Tonight I had a bunch of great seafood and meat-specifically spot shrimp and halibut from Alaska and Nilgai sausage from Texas—and decided to try my hand at gumbo. I hit up a bunch of text chains from both personal networks and work and no one had any tips or opinions. It seemed to be the exact opposite of your chili fiasco where everyone had a hill to die on. Now I’m the resident gumbo guy after only making it once. As a fellow Ohioan, have you any strong opinions or suggestions for gumbo outside of “find someone from Metairie and go from there”?

Quick Ohio plug-the Cuyahoga Valley National Park is northeast Ohio’s best-kept secret. Bike the valley and stop for beers at The Winking Lizard in the “downtown” Peninsula. There’s a memorial plaque for my dad at the corner of the bar there as it was his second home.

Keep up the great work,

####

First of all, thanks to Colin for being a true Screencaps fan who passes the word to his fellow dad friends who can’t find s–t on the Internet for them. That’s why this community is growing like crazy. It’s readers all across this great country who are tired of the bulls–t that’s being pumped out by robotic mainstream media nerds who have corporate overlords to answer to.

I answer to Clay.

Now, as for gumbo, I’m the last person to ask on this topic. I’ve had the real-deal at LSU tailgates, but I didn’t come away with any secret recipes.

So, it’s time for the resident Cajuns to help out Colin. Walk him through the perfect gumbo.

Email: joekinsey@gmail.com

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Written by Joe Kinsey

I'm an Ohio guy, born in Dayton, who roots for Ohio State and can handle you guys destroying the Buckeyes, Urban Meyer and everything associated with Columbus.

10 Comments

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  1. Outkick needs to hire Jeremy. Brilliant.

    Re Minivans: If you’ve never owned one, you don’t understand how great they are. I have a 2018 Chrysler Pacifica, and I can go from carting three kids around to filling the thing with all of the stuff necessary to build a killer yard or basement project in two minutes, and with lots of gas money left in my pocket compared to the bro-dozer set. Look, when you’re single, I get it, you want to get out, flex your muscles, have fun, try to get laid, so you buy whatever you think will get you there. But once you’ve got an anchor and some number of little anchors, a minivan is like a sore dick: you just can’t beat it.

    Re IPAs: I was told once buy a friend of mine who was in to homebrewing and premium beers that IPAs are so popular in that community mainly because they’re easy. Want to cover up your bad ingredients and lack of brewing game? Throw a bunch of hops at the problem, and all of the sudden every beer snob starts patting you on the back despite your lack of brewing talents.

  2. Sir, a gumbo is a gumbo. Once tomatoes are added a gumbo becomes a creole. The restaurant that wrote your reference represents both sides in an effort to eliminate the argument at the door yet, they do not have creole gumbo on their menu. Creole is from the city where the distinction is lost between cajun and creole. The single only establishments in Louisiana that serve creole gumbo are in the 2 larger cities, and nearly nowhere else. You cannot say gumbo and add tomatoes and expect that the two are exclusively the same. They are two worlds apart. You may say creole gumbo is acceptable and in New Orleans, you might be a little right, but ask for creole gumbo in almost any place not named New Orleans and you will almost certainly be asked to leave.

  3. Joe, you outdid yourself on they eye candy today, and that Danielle is really something. But boy, that KK still has one big ass, in a few years she’s going to need a few “handlers” to keep that sumbich from dragging on the ass-phalt…. She prolly needs to get some ass reduction surgery sometime soon.

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