Jersey School Board Cancels Holiday Names, Seriously

What you’re about to read could induce vomiting. Hopefully there’s a trash can nearby. Per Fox News, the school board of Randolph Township in New Jersey, apparently full of mid-June snowflakes, has made the decision to nix holiday names from their school calendar.

Due to the pain and anguish so many have felt from nasty words like Christmas, Thanksgiving and God-forbid, Memorial, school academic calendars in Randolph Township are making a drastic change. Your child’s school will no longer recognize their day off as “Thanksgiving Day”, “Yom Kippur”, “Martin Luther King Day”, etc. According to the school board those names are too “hurtful”. Instead, the township’s schools will not identify holidays, they’ll just note these dates as: “day off”.

Dorene Roche, a school board member told Fox 5 the following: “If we don’t have anything on the calendar, we don’t have to have anyone [with] hurt feelings or anything like that.”

Located in Morris County, NJ, the school board unanimously approved this change.

Though I haven’t personally laid eyes on the agenda for the next school board meeting, I imagine the following will be up for vote, and likely pass:

• No longer name items on school lunch menus. This change is long overdue. I’ve heard too many horror stories of middle schoolers walking home in tears because a cafeteria worker had the nerve to label the sauce covered triangle, pizza! And why should mac and cheese have to share a name with one another? You don’t see hamburger and spaghetti grouped together. I stand arm and arm with the cheese family that’s been denied any sense of individualism for decades.

• Remove any athletic games or activities from recess. If these kids have the nerve to keep score in a recess round of kickball, or declare a relay race winner, someone’s feelings are going to get hurt. Unless the schools are willing to provide daily trophies for every recess participant, then this mid-day academic break should consist only of walking.

Unfortunately for the Randolph Township school board, students will not be in class on the Fourth of July, and may be subject to hearing hurtful words like Independence Day.