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In a long list of things I can’t handle, the termination of an otherwise beautiful love story falls somewhere in between:
1. Five-finger toe shoes;
(Just when you thought the omnipotent reign of Crocs was slowly and mercifully coming to an end, we are now subjected to these wearable little pieces of Hell, possibly manufactured by
2. Drunk people falling down;
(Drunk people falling down distresses me exponentially more than old people falling down, and I have no idea why, other than the fact that I have no soul. Once, outside a bar in Nashville, I unfortunately happened to be the only other person around to witness a drunk person fall down and immediately commence projectile bleeding from their skull. I instantly lost any and all use of basic motor skills and was only able to run back inside and scream ‘NAPKINS’ arbitrarily, at no one in particular.)
3. Whoopi Goldberg; (Can’t someone do something about this woman? Anyone?)
But back to my original point: We’ve all recently had to endure the travesty that is the Cutler-Cavallari break up, and if you’re anything like me, it hasn’t been easy.
This further proves we are never immune to the vicious cycle that is heartbreak: Just when our raw, open wounds from the Bush/Tush split (i.e. Reggie Bush/Kim Kardashian) have begun to heal and scab over, now
we’re all left to deal with THIS. Because of Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari’s selfish unwillingness to fight for true love, we will never again be privy to photographs like this:
But, and in what may be most devastating of all, the ex-couple will now never receive the $5.95 Large Gravy Boat off their wedding registry. I’ve had a few days to let this sink in, and I now realize the insurmountable repercussions for Jay’s actions—but I’m not so sure I can say the same for him. That’s why I had to go through the Cutler-Cavallari wedding registry and see what lovely gifts the couple will never be able to share together. (Every woman who has had an engagement end post-wedding registry does this at some point since a wedding is basically a legal bank robbery.)
You can play along at home if you’d like.
Does Cutler realize that, by kicking Cavallari to the curb, he will not be the proud owner of an $80.00 Classic 4-Slice Toaster? I want you to think about that for a while, Jay. Just mull that over for a bit. A toaster worth the cost of two complete box-sets of Laguna Beach — oh, that Jason, stomps foot — that can toast not one, not two, but four slices of bread at one time. And you’re willing to give this up for a life of reality-star-less bachelorhood? It’s an upside-down world we live in today.
And where, exactly, do you rate in the social hierarchy of life if you don’t own a Teapot Teabag Rest? (Insert off-color joke here). Sure, anyone can steep a tea, but do you have the proper means to temporarily store the used teabag that us other peons just mindlessly toss into the trashcan? These are important questions one needs to earnestly ask himself before just casually calling off engagements.
If all of this still hasn’t hit home with Jay, I’d like to propose the following scenario: You’re in the kitchen early one morning, groggily ruing the day when it’s hardly even begun, just having woken up from a fitfully sleepless night. You come to the valid conclusion that the only thing that could remotely make you feel better at this moment is an egg-white omelet, so you reach for your trusty Crate&Barrel Egg White Separator… Only to realize that YOU DO NOT OWN ONE. Yeah, suck on that for a while, Jay.
Drink that milk. Hope you like yolks, Cutler, because that’s what’s on the menu now.
AND IT DOESN’T EVEN STOP THERE! If we’re honest with ourselves, I think we can all admit we’ve been avoiding the omnipresent cheese issue here. Soft cheeses? No sweat. Soft cheeses are for amateurs and small children. But what about hard cheeses? Has anyone thought about that? No wedding = no $9.95 Hard Cheese Cutting Knife for the would-be Cutlers; sorry, I don’t make the rules here, I just lackadaisically report on them.
You know, initially I did feel sorry for the forlorn lovers—having the world tediously scrutinize and dissect an engagement gone wrong—until I scrolled down and saw the Kaji 19-piece Block Knife Set for $2,799.95.
Pieces of handheld stainless steel used to cut ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches in half costing on the upwards of three grand evoke many emotions in me, none of which are feelings of compassion and sympathy.
I guess if there’s anything we can all learn from this tragedy, it’s that breaking up with a former MTV reality show star puts you one more $429.95 Mauviel Copper Stock Pot away from marital bliss. So let’s all get
drunk, slip on our Satan Shoes and (painfully) watch an episode of The View, because if we can’t believe in these two, then whom can we believe in?