Raise your hand if you’re going to need alcohol to make it through your Thanksgiving weekend. (Hand raised). I’m headed up to Lexington, Kentucky today where my two hellion boys under the age of three will be melded with my twin 1.5 year old nephews. Yeah, four mobile boys under the age of three? It’s like a symphony of squeals, a cacophony of cries. This is no exaggeration — every waking moment will be filled with loud yelping of some sort. It’s like an infant version of D-Day. We’re only spending one day storming the bluegrass of Lexington because any more time with four boys under the age of one qualifies for post-traumatic stress.
“You’re only staying one day?” my mom asked, disappointed, when I told her we were driving up and back quickly.
She asked this because women are impervious to screaming children. It’s innate, the same biological instinct that sees a window and thinks, “Good Lord, these windows need treatments.” (Yes, we’re doing window treatments again in my house. Silly me, I had no idea our windows were so sick. I’m contemplating hooking up an I.V. bag to one. Next time she mentions treatment, I’ll say, “No worries, got it covered. I’ve got some saline dripping on the downstairs windows.) Men, sadly, are not immune to screaming children. My dad, the most optimistic man on the face of the Earth, took one look at last year’s quad-infant Christmas melee and said, “It’s only going to be worse next year.”
Well, worse is here. The holidays are back.
My brother-in-law, a doctor at the University of Kentucky who used to hook himself up to an I.V. to cure hangovers, knows the pain. I’m confident he understood why we were only going to be there one day. (Also, why I asked him to bring home I.V. bags from the hospital).
When surrounded by children over the holidays many men — and women too — do what generations of our forebears have done. Drink to dull the screams. Hell, even Civil War doctors gave soldiers whiskey as they sawed off their arms.
See, alcohol makes everything better.
What’s the modern day equivalent to having your arm sawed off? Listening to Verne Lundquist call a Thanksgiving Day weekend worth of games.
Which is why OKTC is here for you with another drinking game. Earlier this month we gave you the LSU-Bama drinking game. Ever since we discovered that Verne and Gary Danielson were doing back-to-back games this Friday and Saturday, y’all have been begging for a new game.
So I’m answering your prayers.
What’s more, I’m actually following all of these rules and drinking Friday afternoon during the game.
Yep, things could get sloppy.
Here we go:
1. Drink every time the SEC tiebreak 3-way rule is discussed or shown on the screen.
If Verne or Gary says, “It’s not gay if it’s an SEC 3-way,” you have to do two shots of Tequila.
2. Drink every time Verne Lundquist says: “Oh. My. Goodness.”
This was a glaring omission from the LSU-Bama drinking game.
3. Toss one back every time LSU’s 2007 home loss to Arkansas is mentioned.
If there is video of a wild-eyed Houston Nutt shown, you have to drink for every second he’s on screen.
(Anyone else picture Houston Nutt actually playing this game instead of preparing for Mississippi State? I do).
4. When Verne chortles, drink for every chortle.
If you aren’t sure what a chortle is, here you go.
(FYI, this is exactly what Benjamin Franklin looked like when James Madison told a dirty joke at the Constitutional Convention).
5. Drink when the BCS standings are shown.
If Danielson uses the telestrator pen on the BCS standings, you have to do a shot.
6. Every time Les Miles is shown palm-clapping on the sideline, drink.
For those who aren’t aware, Miles’s ability to clap without any of his fingers touching, is otherworldly.
This one almost killed people at LSU-Bama so be careful.
7. Each time Urban Meyer to Ohio State is mentioned, drink.
You know that, inevitably, this is coming up a ton.
Thank God doctors have cured Urban in less than a year. But how will he see his daughter’s volleyball games now?
8. Drink when Verne misidentifies a player, team, or confuses an interception for a completion.
Verne’s mispronunciations and miscalls are an art form. And they always happen even when he only has one game to call. Can you imagine what’s going to happen with back-to-back games this weekend?
He may have Clint Stoerner or Matt Mauck throwing touchdown passes.
9. If Tim Tebow is mentioned for any reason, do a shot.
LSU and Arkansas are playing. Theoretically there is no reason to mention Tim Tebow, right?
I bet it still happens.
10. Each time the impact of an Arkansas win is discussed, drink.
Also, drink again if the word slingshot, quality of loss, time of loss, or eye test is used in said analysis.
11. Drink if Gary Danielson finds a defender “out of position.”
In the last drinking game, we pointed out that Gary is adept at telestrating missed touchdown passes. But he’s even better at finding “out of position” defenders.
When this happens, drink.
12. Every time Bobby Petrino is called an offensive genius, playcalling wizard, or riverboat gambler — drink.
Go easy on this one, you could be drunk in a hurry.
13. When Verne calls Tyrann Mathieu, “the Honey Badger,” drink.
We had this one last time and Verne nearly put all of you in a coma. Be careful. We want you alive for the next OKTC drinking game.
14. If Les Miles uses the word “want” or “multiplicity” in one of his interviews with Tracy Wolfson, do shots.
You know this is coming. Prepare yourselves. The want to drink gives you a multiplicity of options.
15. Whenever you pause your television to pick out a hot girl in HD — I know y’all do this too — drink.
If the girl appears to be next to a guy who has outkicked his coverage — a very common circumstance in the SEC — drink again and Tweet me the pic.
If one of your buddies texts you from a different state to talk about a girl he saw in the crowd, you have to do a shot.
If this same buddy implies that he would be sleeping with that girl if he was still in college, you are permitted to text this back. “Shut up, your wife won’t even sleep with you now.”
Happy Thanksgiving from OKTC!
Again, we’re playing this drinking game live on Friday. If you want to play along, follow me on Twitter.
Via a fine comment suggestion below we’re also going to set up a hashtag for the game #cbsdrink so y’all can allow follow along and see what each other are saying.