Last week started out with such promise! The SEC voted unanimously to accept Texas A&M into the conference, Oklahoma began discussion with the Pac 12 about switching conferences with Oklahoma St. likely to follow… the pieces were falling into place for the formation of the super-conferences, which is essential to my dream scenario for a playoff system to crown a true national champion.
Here’s how the dream scenario works. Keep in mind this isn’t really that well thought out, it’s just an idea I came up with while drinking beers with some of my boys. But often, the most magnificent ideas are conceived in such ways.
An eight team playoff featuring: The four super-conference champs, the top ranked three teams from the four super-conferences who didn’t win the championship, and one non super-conference team (Texas?). The eight top bowl games (according to payouts) host the playoffs. So you’d have round one playing in the Outback Bowl, Cotton Bowl, Capital One Bowl, and Chick-fil-A Bowl. The Final Four, third place game, and championship game all rotate between the BCS bowl games. OR, the four conference champs all host a first round game and the Final Four stays the same. Either way, it would be awesome.
Then we get a little hitch in our gettyup. A tiny, insignificant hitch. A hitch named Baylor.
Since the Big 12 was formed in 1997, there has not been a less qualified school to be in a BCS conference than the Baylor Bears (apologies to our own Baylor alum Hayley Frank, but it’s the truth). To give you an idea of its futility, Baylor has had one conference win or less in 11 of the 15 seasons of Big 12 football. Only twice have they won more than two conference games, and they’ve never finished above .500. All-time Big 12 conference record?
Eighteen conference wins in fifteen seasons!
They’ve been equally as bad in basketball. They’ve had relative recent success, but let’s not forget about the time one of their players murdered a teammate, followed by the coach telling the players to lie to investigators and claim their deceased teammate dealt drugs to pay for his tuition. All done to cover up his own major violation of giving out more scholarships than allowed. That never helps a reputation.
And spare me with the talk of women’s basketball. The only reason the Baylor women’s team is any good is because they signed a 6’8″ dude who likes to fight.
To quote the great Dave Chappelle, “she looks like she wears underwear with peeholes in the front.”
So, this is the school threatening to stop the formation of the super conferences? The school fighting progress? I kind of feel like they should just say thank you for fifteen years of charity, then scuttle off to the Conference USA or the Big Sky Conference and let the big boys do their thing.
This is what’s so funny about this whole lawsuit. You couldn’t pick a team with less power in another BCS conference, yet they could temporarily halt the march towards the four super-conferences. Can you imagine other times throughout history when an entity who meant so little in the grand scheme of things, tried to thwart the development of something much greater? I can.
Here’s a list of some I’ve made up and their probable results:
– The actor who played R2D2 threatening to sue George Lucas after the first Star Wars movie-
The actor inside the robot R2D2, unhappy with his smaller role in the first movie threatens a lawsuit if he doesn’t see an increase in screen time starting with the second movie. He is promptly replaced by another “actor” who can stand around in a glorified bucket for hours at a time without having to say any actual lines.
– Chris Kirkpatrick threatening to sue Justin Timberlake for wanting to leave N’Sync and go solo –
Everyone knows Justin Timberlake is talented. He can sing, he can dance, he’s funny, not a bad actor, and generally seems like a cool guy to hang out with… I hate him. Chris Kirkpatrick, on the other hand, is the least famous and least talented member of N’Sync, and knows if JT leaves he’ll be out of work. Hell, he’s lucky to even be in a group with Timberlake. So Kirkpatrick decides he should sue JT to make him stay. Imagine if this had actually happened! Timberlake wouldn’t have brought sexy back to the world, and we’d all be worse off. Something to think about, Baylor.
– The manservant of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain threatens to quit if the royal couple fund the Columbus expedition to the New World-
He is swiftly executed and replaced by two other servants who don’t talk… at all. And are probably younger and better looking than their predecessor.
– The two youngest Kardashian sisters threaten to sue their older sisters for not being included enough in “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”-
The two are removed from ensuing episodes to “check into rehab” or something similar that will get them attention in Hollywood. Their mother then bans them from all future episodes until they are old enough to record and distribute their own sex tapes, or marry a professional athlete.
– The kids who play Cho and Seamus on Harry Potter suing for more lines after the first movie-
Pretty impressive that I know the names of less significant Harry Potter characters, right ladies? It’s not? Gotcha. Anyway, these kids want more screen-time, so they sue J.K. Rowling and the other producers. They are promptly fired and told to “shut yer gobs and piss off!” They are then replaced by Scottish kids who realize a good thing when it falls in their lap.
– One of Thomas Jefferson’s slave girlfriends threatening to go public with her pregnancy if he moves forward with the American Revolution.
I don’t think I need to go into detail about what happened to this lady. Let’s just say she didn’t win her freedom that Thomas Jefferson won for all of us.
– Tito Jackson suing Michael for leaving the Jackson 5 –
Did this actually happen? I feel like maybe it did. We all know how this would have played out… With Joe Jackson beating the crap out of both of them and taking any money involved.
Anyway, you all get the picture, and I’m sure you can come up with better examples in the comments below. I understand why Baylor is fighting to keep the conference together, the Bears realize they never belonged in a BCS conference, and will most likely not be invited to join a super conference.
There are millions of dollars at stake for the University, the cash-cow is about to disappear. But it doesn’t make it any less funny to me that the Chris Kirkpatrick of the Big 12 is suing to keep the band together.