Husband Knocks Up His Wife, Blames It On Condom CATastrophe

I saw this one floating around on British tabloid sites and knew right away that Clay, being a cat man, needed this on Outkick. The following was posted over on Reddit on the r/TIFU (Today I F*cked Up) board where a man tells the story of how he impregnated his wife and their cat played a massive role. Reddit user u/Playtonic1 claims his greasy orange little sh*t got into his condom stash and started slashing.

It's a tale as old as time and should serve as a lesson to all those athletes out there who have cats or dabble with Instagram models who are cat owners. One minute you're a multi-millionaire going about your business and the next minute your tabby cat costs you 18 years of monthly payments. You've been warned -- keep your cat or her cat away from your rubbers.

Don't say this guy on Reddit didn't try to warn you. Let's get to the full report.

TIFU By letting the cat get my wife pregnant

Technically this happened about three weeks ago since the test just came back positive...

Some background:

Last year my wife and I had our first child. It was a less than ideal pregnancy that had her dealing with weeks of bed rest dude to preeclampsia with severe features. It wrecked total havoc on not only her physical health but her mental heath as well. fortunately everything was all right in the end and she gave birth to our healthy 4lb 2oz boy just shy of two months early (who’s doing fantastic now).

Due to the difficulty of this first pregnancy and concerns over COVID, we decided it was best to put off kid number two for at least a couple of years. She started birth control shortly after giving birth to be sure we had no surprises, but the pill tends to make her very sick and she wanted to lose weight, so she stopped taking it. We thought rubbers would be enough, but that’s where our cat comes in...

Our cat is an evil genius. I seriously think the greasy orange little shit is still smarter than our nearly one year old. He gets into everything, and I do mean everything. No door, drawer, or cabinet can stop him, and if he knows where something he wants is he WILL find it. It’s so bad that for weeks after adopting him I thought there was poltergeist in the house because each morning I’d wake up to find every single cabinet door in the kitchen wide open!

So how did I fuck up and let him impregnate my wife?

Well, my first fuck up was storing the condoms in the same drawer as the Q-tips, which he loves to get into and shred apart. He must have seen the box of Q-tips in the drawer when I put my rubbers away, because not even an hour later I stumbled upon a horrific scene of chewed plastic straws, shredded cotton fluff and shiny gold condom wrappers scattered around the gapping drawer that once contained them... I didn’t think anything of it at the time and just cleaned up the destroyed Q-tips and put the condoms that had spilled everywhere back into their box without a concern in the world.

We ended up having some sexy time later that night, and I vividly remember stumbling into the dark bathroom, opening said drawer, and blindly fumbling around in the box to pull out a condom (as was the routine) thinking nothing of what happened earlier.

That is until fast forward a few weeks to just the other day, when my wife was complaining of nausea and tender breast. We immediately shoot each a concerned glance as this ain’t our first rodeo, and she felt the same way before discovering her first pregnancy. She still had a half empty box of tests from the year before and decided to take one just to be sure. Followed by another one... and another one... all positive.

We start wracking our brains wondering what happened when suddenly it hits me... that damned cat. I ran over to bathroom drawer where I kept the condoms, dumped out the box on the counter and started to inspect each miserable little foil square. Sure enough, several had noticeable scratches, teeth marks, and even full blown punctures in them... which leads me to fuck up number two, not checking to see if the cat chewed on any of my rubbers weeks before when he had gotten into that drawer...

Can't wait to explain to my new son or daughter one day that they owe their existence to the family cat!

TL:DR

I didn’t check to see if my cat had chewed on any of my condoms when he got into the drawer I kept them in. Three weeks later and despite our plans to the contrary my wife is pregnant, presumably thanks to my asshole cat who gets into everything.

EDIT:

I’ve been informed of something called the cat tax. Below you’ll find a picture of the offending cat in all his greasy, orange glory. I think the picture sums up his personality well.