How To Hit On Women Via Social Media: A Guide for the Otherwise Creepy Guy

After taking a ten-month hiatus from sanity to drive everyone within five feet of me seven kinds of crazy and develop three new nervous twitches along the way (some people call it “planning a wedding,” tomato, toe-mah-toe), I’m back! Back to being a fully functioning, (semi) normal human again.

That’s right everyone, I now have the mental capacity to focus on other things besides tablecloths (I pray none of you ever has to know the depths of various tablecloth fabrics the way I now intimately know them) and slightly different shades of pinks (key word: slightly). Think French Rose Pink and Persian Rose Pink are the basically the same thing? Hahaha! Think again, you poor, ignorant, confused simpleton. French Rose Pink and Persian Pink are tremendously different things, and if you choose the wrong shade EVERYTHING WILL BE RUINED AND NO ONE WILL HAVE FUN AT YOUR WEDDING AND YOU WILL PROBABLY BE DIVORCED IN LESS THAN A YEAR. So, yeah, choose your hues wisely, guys.

Anyway, as happy as I am to no longer be a lunatic anymore, no one is happier than my now husband, who weathered the storm of wedding planning and lived to tell about it. Our former weekend nights, consisting of lazy couch sitting or pizza eating or margarita drinking, quickly transformed into seating chart making, envelope addressing and bird food eating. (“Bird food” is what he referred to as our means of sustenance during those last few months leading up to the big day. Nuts, seeds, legumes… sometimes raisins if we were feeling naughty. Poor guy definitely had his Man Card revoked during that time. But it was totally necessary because our wedding meant it was our (MY) time to shine. And in order to look as good as we possibly could on our special day we needed to become skeletons of our former selves, obviously. It's just wedding basics, guys; Wedding 101.)

So yeah, I went from a single woman to a betrothed woman to a wedded woman, all thanks to one thing: social media. (And to Clay Travis, if you ask him, but mostly social media.)

For those of you who don’t know, I met my husband after he read my debut article on OKTC back in July of 2011. It was so sweet: he politely asked Clay for my phone number and then promptly called me on the telephone and proceeded to ask me out on a proper date to the nicest steakhouse in town the following evening. LOL, just kidding, you guys! He saw my name in the byline, let an entire month drag by, then sat behind a computer screen and searched for me via Twitter and proceeded to hit on me via social media, telling me he was partying at Paradise Park that night and I could “hit him up” if I wanted to join. I mean… *SWOON.*

But here’s the scary part, y’all: it worked. IT FREAKING WORKED. That is either really terrifying or really amazing or actually a little bit of both. So I’m here to break this down and explain what he did right. Consider this your non-creepy guide to getting a wife via social media (for the otherwise creepy guy). Shout out to all the guys out there who are “only reading this to pass on tips to their creepy friends.”

1. He DM’d me.

If you’re going to use Twitter as your vehicle of choice for running game, then you had better get familiar with the “Send Direct Message” button. There are not many things more painful for innocent spectators than witnessing public Twitter banter between horny, lonely people of the Internet. Or worse, one horny, lonely guy Tweeting at an indifferent, unresponsive hot girl. When the world can see your failed attempts at getting lucky, you need to reevaluate your actions and probably your life in general.

2. He complimented me.

“Hey. Had no idea you were so funny.” That was his opening line, in reference to my OKTC article. Some important background info you need to know is that we’d actually met briefly at a Nashville bar the year before. We had introduced ourselves, shaken hands, made some small talk, but I immediately went on with my night and didn’t think anything of it, mostly because he was wearing a neon bandana wrapped around his forehead and a T-shirt with the sleeves ripped off (don’t ask). It later came out that he thought I was “quiet” and “shy” and “just another blonde girl” (translation=boring and not funny and probably really dumb). He was genuinely flabbergasted that someone like me could form sentences that would entertain him. So, his opening line was essentially a backhanded compliment… but a compliment, nonetheless! And if there’s one thing a single girl loves, it’s a damn compliment. And we don’t even care how it’s presented! “Hey, I’m having more fun with you than I thought I would.” YOU’RE GETTING LAID. “Hey, you’re not as ugly as I remembered you being last time.” WE ARE YOURS FOREVER WHEN ARE WE MEETING YOUR PARENTS HOW MANY BRIDESMAIDS SHOULD WE HAVE. So, yeah, compliment her, guys.  It’s easier than you think.

3. He played it cool(ish).

If you’re already going through the trouble of nonchalantly perusing the Interwebs (stalking) to track her down, you’ve already used up your overzealous card for the foreseeable future. Like, you’re already not playing it cool to an extent, so don’t be afraid to chill the eff out a little, k? In this case, he took the UBER cool guy approach, which can be tricky if you’re dealing with a girl who has a strong sense of how to play “the game” (SPOILER ALERT: I DIDN’T. GAME? WHAT GAME?). The second half of the DM read, “Lemme know if you’re gonna be out and about tonight,” and then he added his cell number. That’s it, no “What are you doing tonight?” or “Would love to meet up,” not even the correct version of the words “let me.” (That part was a little offensive to me, and I told myself if he ever used “u” in place of the actual word then he was toast.) And what did I do? I put those digits to good use and texted him that same night. (SRSLY though, WHAT GAME?)

4. He swooped in when his prey was vulnerable.

Actually, he had no idea how great his timing was, so I can’t fully give him credit for this move. However, he Tweeted at me exactly when my roommate’s boyfriend was coming to town to visit for the weekend, i.e. as I was preparing to be the dreaded third wheel and just eat my feelings for the next three days.

GUYS, THIS IS AN IMPERATIVE MOVE. You need to figure out a way to adhere to this step.

“Heck, what do I have to lose?” I’d thought as I was texting him. “The person on the other end of this line can’t be any worse than the thought of accompanying my roommate and her boyfriend on yet another romantic dinner and then trying to spoon with them on the couch afterwards and talk about our futures together.” So use your resources, ask around, stalk her roommate’s Facebook, do whatever you need to do in order to time this out correctly and figure out when she’s at her weakest (and maybe even a little delusional?). When a girl is lonely and sad about being single and sick of being the third wheel, it’s amazing how much better you’ll look.

5. He finally did initiate real human-to-human contact (…eventually).

So yes, the tweeting and texting did go on for a few weeks, but eventually he moved the party from the virtual world to the actual world and asked me on a brunch date to only the classiest of classy joints, YOLO’S in Nashville. (Sadly, YOLO’S has since been shut down, most likely due to extreme health code violations, although we don’t have this on good authority. RIP YOLO’S, you really did only live once.)

So there you have it, everyone. Now for a little recap, shall we? Guys: it IS doable to pick up girls via social media. And girls: not ALL guys who hit on you via social media are total skeezeballs. In fact, they can even turn out to be your husband! (Now, Tinder? I am not speaking for Tinder. Tinder is a totally separate beast and was invented after my single days, therefore it is so mysterious to me and frankly it terrifies me a little bit. I repeat, do not apply any of my above advice to the world of Tinder. In fact, you should probably just assume every guy on Tinder is a huge creeper with a roofie in his back pocket. Yeah, let’s just go with that to be safe.)

So happy Tweeting, everyone! (And happy swiping, Tinder creeps!)