How To Crush Valentine’s Day This Year

Somehow, someway, it’s almost Valentine’s Day 2022.

Do not ask me how we already blew past Christmas and New Year’s, do not ask me why the month of January feels like it has 84 days in it, and, speaking of January, do not ask me why anyone in their right mind does “Dry January.” Because my answer to all of these things will be “I have no effing idea,” as I take a long sip of my chardonnay at 2 pm on a Tuesday. Just kidding. I typically wait until at least 3 pm. It’s called “self control,” people.

Anyways, Valentine’s Day is never a super big deal for me because my birthday is five days later, and I’d much rather save up all my obnoxious, extravagant requests for that instead. My husband Barton usually gets me flowers on V-Day though, which is nice. One year, he paid a homeless man to deliver some roses to me at my office which, although slightly alarming for my co-workers and me, was very savvy and resourceful of him. And last year, he presented me with a bouquet of carnations that were haphazardly spray-painted pink, with multi-colored glitter dripping off of them. I’m still not sure what gas station he found these bedazzled beauties at… (Remember, I can be grateful he remembered to get me flowers while still never letting him live this down. I CAN BE BOTH.)

Even though I’m personally not really into Valentine’s Day, you might have a girlfriend or wife who is. So in the past, I’ve done V-Day gift guides for y’all, which I hope have been helpful. But then I realized handing your wife or girlfriend a gift takes only a couple minutes, and it got me thinking. What about the other 1,332 minutes in the day? There’s a LOT of time left in that day for you to still screw something up. So this year, I’m explaining how to crush V-Day from start to finish. 

• Let her sleep in. 
  This is especially important if y’all have children who normally get her up at the crack of dawn demanding pancakes and attention. V-Day is on a Monday this year, and I realize you might have a job you have to get to in order to keep the bills paid and food on the table, BUT that is no excuse. Even if it’s a mere 10 extra minutes, let her experience the priceless luxury of sleeping in a little before the reality of a Monday morning sets in.

• Caffeinate her. 
  Make her a coffee, go buy her a coffee from Starbucks, have a coffee Door Dashed to the front porch for her to grab easily. I don’t care how the caffeine infiltrates into her bloodstream, just make sure it gets there.

• Leave a morning surprise. 
  Put a calendar on the kitchen counter with a note on it that says something to the effect of: “Happy Valentine’s Day! While sipping your coffee, take a look at this calendar and circle a day you want to treat yo’self. It could be going to the spa, having a girls’ night out, or just sitting alone in your car in the Target parking lot while blasting unedited, explicit dirty rap music and tapping your toe to songs about drugs and big-booty hoes while mindlessly scrolling Instagram.” (Or is this just my version of treating myself? Please let me know.)

• Do a load of laundry. 
  And here’s the kicker: you have to do it from start to finish. Wash, fold, put away. And in the right spots! And you cannot lay the kids’ clothes on the stairs with the silly hope that said kids will pick it up on their way up the stairs. Every mom has done this repeatedly — and had their hopes repeatedly dashed. Also, every sock needs a mate. EVERY. DAMN. SOCK. That might mean you have to Amazon Prime Now a few extra socks for the mysteriously mate-less ones. You just do whatever it takes to mate the socks. No Sock Left Behind. When life gives you lemons, find the sock. Or something. Have I made my point clear about the sock situation?

• Handle dinner. 
  I can guarantee you, she doesn’t care where you get it, how you get it, what it even is— she just wants to not have to think about dinner for one night. Get some form of relatively edible sustenance onto the kitchen table, and you’ve instantly become the MVP of V-Day.

• Give her flowers. 
  Preferably ones that aren’t spray-painted or coated in neon glitter that she’ll end up having to sweep off the floor.

• Do not ask her for sex. 
  Give her a night off. For once, let “Netflix and Chill” really mean what people over 65 think it means. But just a heads up: she might be so turned on from you mating the socks and handling dinner that she’ll have the hormones of a sex-crazed teenaged boy and be ready to pounce quite aggressively. So, really it could go either way for you that night– just stay on your toes and be ready for anything.

• Give her a gift. 
  Top it all off with a sweet little gift. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, just thoughtful. To make this super easy, every single item below can be found on Amazon, delivered right to your door, with FREE one-day shipping. One click and done.

Furry Slippers
Lounge Set
Kendra Scott Heart Necklace
Yoga Pants
Tula Brightening Eye Balm
Facial Cleansing Brush
Noise Canceling Headphones
Jade Roller
Capri Blue Scented Candle
Silk Pillowcase
Tea Mug With Infuser
Gucci Bloom Perfume
Le Specs Sunnies
Portable Cocktail Glass
Sunday Riley CEO Glow