How not to pick up women: advice from your Bull Pen Editor

As a woman who exists and occasionally has to go out in public, I get hit on. It’s a fact of life when you’re female. And because some of you are so damn awkward, here are my top 7 ways not to hit on a girl.

1. Be aware of reflective surfaces. 

This mostly applies to the gym. It’s full of mirrors, dude. She has seen you checking her out for the last 45 minutes. You’re not only making her self-conscious, but you’re ruining your chances. She will not be interested when you finally come over to talk.

Actually, just don’t hit on girls at the gym. We’re there to look good for the guy we’re already sleeping with.

2. Don’t neg.

Negging is a pickup technique where a guy insults the girl he’s hitting on, supposedly to make her feel insecure and thus more receptive to his advances. This doesn’t work; you just come across as an asshole. And if by some miracle this method is successful, you deserve the bundle of daddy issues you just picked up.

3. Avoid stalking behavior.

If it takes a special effort to find her email address or facebook page (for example, you didn’t know her last name so you scrolled through 30 pages of Heathers in Nashville before you came across her profile), she will not be flattered by a friend request, email, or facebook message. Definitely do not click the poke button.

Nobody wants to date the guy who has creeped on every woman within a 50-mile radius. How do we know you’ve pursued other women this way? Because we know we aren’t that special. If you just spent 3 hours of your time to track me down, you’re likely a habitual cyber stalker.

4. Ditch the anonymous note.

Why be anonymous? Are we related? Do you have face tattoos? Is there going to be a big reveal on reality television where I have to choose between you and a million dollars? I don’t understand the end game here. If you think she’d turn you down now, what’s going to happen after a few weeks of her imagining that you look like Jon Hamm with Ryan Gosling’s sensitive side and George Clooney’s bank account?  

5. Don’t approach her in a place where she’s trapped.

She will resent the hell out of you if your interaction is prolonged because you happen to sit next to her on a full flight. If she’s interested it will be obvious. If she keeps trying to get back to her book, leave her alone, or she might publicly embarrass you:  

http://laist.com/2012/06/07/christian_sober_married_actor_downs.php

6. Don’t touch her.  

Unless it’s at least the second date or you’re pushing her from in front of a speeding bus. Do not mess up numbers 5 and 6 at the same time unless the thing you’ve been missing in your life is an arrest record.

7. Nothing says rapist like a chin beard.

Follow me on twitter @lorioktc