How I Murdered An Instagram AI Bot Less Than 24 Hours After I Had To Watch My Bengals Lose A Heartbreaking AFC Title Game

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You guys have all been there. It’s just before lunch on a Monday after your team just gave away an incredible opportunity to make it to the Super Bowl and some Instagram AI bot slides into your Instagram DMs trying to make small talk.

At first, your immediate reaction is, “Who’s this dime with 20 followers named Marie?”

Ah, an Instagram bot.

It’s game time. Hey, Instagram bot, you want to waste my time on a brutal Monday morning when I’m still emotional over the Bengals losing, it’s time to turn the tables on your ass. It’s time to see how well you’ve been programmed to deal with a football fan who is down in the dumps and just wants to talk sports.

Let’s do this, Marie.

Lessons from an expert on how to turn Instagram AI bot brains into a pretzel:

  1. Take the bot immediately to the spin zone. “How am I?” Let me tell you how the f–k I am, Marie. I sat there and watched MY Bengals fail to finish off the Chiefs in a game where they couldn’t run the ball and the offensive line was completely overmatched by stud DL Chris Jones who looked like he was in a Marvel action-hero movie. He was blasting the Bengals guards five yards into the backfield. How the f–k you think I’m feeling today, Marie? Wrong day to ask that question.
  2. Be honest without giving away any critical intel that would lead this AI bot — probably Chinese or Russian — to gain the upper hand. Again, these bots don’t do well with honesty. What am I doing? Busting my ass for the readers, Marie. How about you, besides trying to scam hard-working bloggers?
  3. Fire off questions that the bot has to answer, but doesn’t have answers for. These bots haven’t been programmed to think on the fly.
  4. Now, there’s going to come a day when some AI bot with huge cans and bronzed skin is able to talk about how the refs were a complete disaster during Sunday night’s game, but we’re not there yet. That’s probably down the road in like 2027.
  5. The bots are forced to abort the mission because their brains are fried. Marie’s handlers were like, “Oh f–k, abort, abort! Our bot hard drive is about to blow up!”

And two hours later, Marie (or the Chinese/Russian handler) deleted her IG account.

Remember, fellas, turn the tables on the romance scam bots. Let’s say it’s March Madness and a romance scammer tries to trick you into sending her $5k to get out of Africa because of some visa issue. This is when you ask the romance scammer who should get No. 1 seeds. Or during the Masters, fire off some sort of question about Justin Thomas and Rory McIlroy winning the green jacket.

Don’t let 2023 be the year when your brain turns to mush and you lose thousands to some scam bot. Be on high alert out there. Save this post as a guide for your big moments when Katarina with double Ds slides into the DMs claiming her other account was hacked and she really wants to be your friend.

Guys, be smart out there. Don’t allow the bots to win. These are dangerous times.

Written by Joe Kinsey

Joe Kinsey is the Senior Director of Content of OutKick and the editor of the Morning Screencaps column that examines a variety of stories taking place in real America.

Kinsey is also the founder of OutKick’s Thursday Night Mowing League, America’s largest virtual mowing league.

Kinsey graduated from University of Toledo.

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