Google: Women Want to Know if Kirk Herbstreit is Divorced, He's Married
Google searches provide the ultimate window into the soul of America.
Our search history reveals more about us than any other online activity. Back in the Civil War, Walt Whitman waxed eloquent about hearing America sing. Well, in the 21st century, we can all see what America's searching for. And as a country, well, we're a weird bunch of people.
Right at 13% of OKTC's site traffic comes from search and this search traffic is almost 100% from the United States. That's a low search percentage for a website, but I happen to believe that sports search traffic is virtually valueless. That is, people who stumble on the site via these searches aren't likely to return again and again by choice.
Our most frequent Google search traffic at OKTC makes sense, they're all variations of Outkick the Coverage -- OKTC, outkick coverage, Outkick -- or variations of my own name. But once you get to the bottom of the top ten things get weird in a hurry.
How weird?
Each of these searches was a top 75 Google search referral for Outkick the Coverage in our first year in business. And it's really damn fun to think about who was doing the searching:
1. Kirk Herbstreit divorce
This was a top ten search for us. Seriously, the number eight Google search for the entire site.
We're ranked highly because Herbstreit talked about his own parent's divorce in an OKTC profile.
But that's not what people are searching for. Women want Herbstreiit to be divorced.
He's. Still. Married.
Thousands of people, presumably women and male Alabama fans, were searching for this on Google.
This is crazy.
2. Dwyane Wade divorce settlement
This was our ninth most searched for Google traffic.
Seriously, the ninth!
Which means tons of people are also searching for this information.
Are you noticing a trend here? Women are sitting in front of Google trolling for single men or trying to break up marriages.
3. Kirk Herbstreit salary
Well, if you're checking to see whether or not he's divorced, you might as well go ahead and see what his salary is too, right?
4. Verne Lundquist drinking game
Be still my heart.
5. Tyler Bray tattoo
Bray's tattoo deserves the Heisman.
6. Nip slips
There's something cute about the guy who goes on the Internet -- a place teeming in graphic porn, indeed, porn makes up 30% of all American Internet traffic -- and searches for nip slips.
And then ends up on OKTC.
Are we really providing masturbatory material? (I mean aside from our photos of Nick Saban that Alabama men regularly pleasure themselves while gazing upon).
7. Nip slip
The only thing better than the guy who searches for nip slips plural -- hey, at least he's looking for multiple slips, is the guy who goes Nip Slip singular.
Both of these were in our top 25 Google search results.
8. Trent Richardson has two kids
As if that wasn't enough, "Trent Richardson kids," and "Trent Richardson children" were also top search results.
Is this Auburn fans or women who want to get with Trent? Okay, okay, it's Auburn women who want to get with Trent.
9. Bobby Petrino beat up
This has to do with my theory that Petrino didn't really have a motorcyle accident, he really got beaten up.
So if you search "Bobby Petrino beat up," we're the number one result.
This links to the same article as the Tyler Bray tattoo comparison.
11. Alabama teabagger
There were tons of teabagging variations, but this was the most popular.
The Alabama teabagger has got to be the most popular fantasy sports team name in the South this year.
12. Katy Perry boobs
This comes from the boob draft.
Although, amazingly, we aren't even in the top 20 Google search page results for Katy Perry's boobs. Which means some guys have been scrolling through over twenty pages of links to Katy Perry's boobs clicking on all of the links.
Ah, the Internet!
13. Dooley pants
Amazingly, "Dooley pants not starched" is also in the top 75 searches.
That's detail that even Dooley would be impressed by.
14. Marty Brennaman divorce
Again, Kirk Herbstreit talked about his parent's divorce and then that he grew up listening to Marty Brennaman call Cincinnati Reds games. Yet Google ranks this as the top result when some 65 year old Ohio cougar searches for "Marty Brennaman divorce."
Yep, OKTC is the top result for this search.
15. Kirk Herbstreit wife
Again, Kirk. Herbstreit. Is. Married.
Stop searching, ladies.
16. Sofia Vergara nip slip
I like the specificity here. At least you know which nipple you're looking for.
Again, presumably, boob draft.
Although, once more, we are not in the top 20 pages for this result so somebody spent a long time searching for this.
17. Jessica Dorrell nude
It's only a matter of time.
But right now we're number three on this search.
18. How much money did Shaq wife get in the divorce?
We're number one in this all-important and very specific search category.
Women's obsession with money is not, it turns out, underrated.
Google knows, ladies, Google knows.
19. Trent Richardson shirtless
We're not on the top ten pages of search results and I refused to click past this point.
But ten pages of shirtless men is a small price to pay for all the Bama fans who Tweet "your gay," at me.
20. who writes outkick the coverage
Presumably this was LSU fan Billy Ayo hitting this over and over again as boxing match training.