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Nothing like waking up at 4 a.m. with the dog panting in my ear and it wasn’t because she was hot

Listen, I’m not against getting up a little early on Friday to get the day rolling and work in peace and quiet before the kids get up, but that was one emergency dump situation we were in at 4 a.m. when the dog was panting like she just completed an Iron Man.

This isn’t a dog that gets up in the middle of the night to drop a steamer. As soon as I opened the gate to her cage it was like a heat-seeking missile to the front door. Now, I don’t know what exactly was going on whether she had bad Mexican or what but there was clearly a situation going on in the front yard at 4:15 this morning.

Things eventually settled down and she went to bed on her trusty Costco-issued dog bed in the kitchen while I got to work pounding out America’s Best Daily Column as named by the readers.

I have to say it’s nice to get up at 4 a.m. to hit the computer. At that hour, the east coasters aren’t up and outraged yet. It’s just me and my peaceful Instagram searches at that hour.

 

First-time emailer wants to share some thoughts

You guys know I love rookie emailers because typically they bring new perspectives and serve as a change of pace.

• Today, Phillip in Nashville stops by:

1st time, long time.  Enjoy a lot of your work, but honestly my interest level in pics of pets in sports gear or cats amid food in vermin-infested stores is lower than the media’s trust factor.  Also, don’t get why pretty girls get a “use by date” tattooed in “delicate” places (granted my eyes aren’t as sharp as they once were) – just don’t get it at all.  But everyone’s different, so keep doing yore thang and rolling out the SC’s. 

Got lots of things to share but for today I’ll just introduce myself.

I’m a NOTICER.  Dad had a farm (partially mine now) and trained me to PAY ATTENTION. Here’s a few “notices” I’ve had.

– In Star Trek the original series with WWII only about 20 years gone, Federation is based on the Allies, the Klingons are based on the Japanese (think about their portrayal in cartoons during WWII) and the Romulans are the Germans. 

– The same culture that wrote the book on bendy, twisty contortionist sex also came up with a bendy, twisty contortionist exercise regime. (Not a coincidence, IMO.)

– One of the stupidest, most unrealistic movie scenes is the end of The Natural with Roy Hobbs and his son having a catch in a hay field.  Although it’s visually pleasing, anyone who has lost a ball in Mom’s flower bed agrees with me. 

– It’s taken a while, but it seems we are gradually getting back to allowing cameramen to zoom in on pretty girls at ball games again.

– The NFL game is too fast for Marcus Mariota to be a reliable QB.

– Having said “eat over your plate” a zillion times to my kids when they were little, it was funny to hear my daughter say it to her young girls over Thanksgiving.

– In 1000 years when they dig up “Brady = (picture of a Goat)” signs they won’t know who Brady is and they’ll be calling goats some other name.  It would be hilarious to us present-day-ers to hear what wild theories (worshipful? mocking? describing his looks? etc) they ascribe to the signs.

There’s more to come but maybe someone else in the class would like to contribute.

Kinsey:

Ok, strong first effort out of Phillip in Nashville. I’m just happy it’s not another Bill emailing me. Seriously, from now on, each Bill that emails has to give himself a nickname because there’s no way I’m going to be able to differentiate the Bills.

I was a little surprised at his lack of interest in Bodega Cats. Here I thought everyone would enjoy cats dumping out their dander on a bag of Fritos.

The take on camera guys finding the pretty faces in the crowd takes me back to day baseball on WGN. Remember when it felt like you were drunk at 3:45 in the afternoon as Harry Caray was a six-pack deep and Ryne Sandberg was 2-for-3 with a couple of doubles?

WGN camera guys could literally turn a day baseball game into what felt like a Spring Break party and I was like 15. It was heaven. Guys suckin’ down draft beers. College women skipping class to sit in the sun. Degenerates being degenerates. Harry Caray spitting all over the microphone.

Man, I miss it when turning on a baseball game felt like a party.

Thank you to Phillip in Nashville for triggering those memories in my brain.

Guys, I want you to sit back and watch this piece of WGN art from the 1980s. This one has it all including Harry shouting out some old lady who’s at the game with her group. And Zim!

This was life:

Is there a countertop ice maker out there that can duplicate Chick-fil-A ice?

• Danny K. writes:

The misses is really set on a countertop ice maker that makes ice like Chick-fil-A!! If anyone knows of such a contraption!! Please let this country boy know!!! Thanks!! You know the drinks for 3.99 with ice and not much else!! Everyone have a Merry Christmas!! And enjoy the moment!!

Kinsey:

I want one too, but I hear they’re a pain to keep clean. Someone in this community has a solution here. Is there a perfect countertop ice machine on the market?

Email: joekinsey@gmail.com

Pizza vending machines

• Dave Y. writes:

Saw this unit on the tour of Xavier University in Cincinnati. Seemed to develop it themselves because they refused requests from their rival, U of Cincinnati to buy some. Keeping it for themselves.

https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2016/08/04/xaviers-pizza-atm-idea-s-time-has-come/88066514/

Kinsey:

I did a little research into the Xavier pizza ATM and it was operational into 2021, but the story goes that it’s a novelty experience on the campus that first-year students do once and then ignore. According to students, the quality isn’t good enough.

Now, I have challenged Mike T. in Idaho to taste-test a pie from the French pizza ATM that he alerted us to this week. Mike T. claims he’ll buy a $10 pie on Sunday and give us a rundown of his experience.

Hold up, are the stories from the Northwest Georgia Scanner site real?

• Tara P. sent over this one and my #fakenews radar started going off. This can’t be real.

Hey Joe. Enjoy this little nugget. The North GA Scanner always has delightful stories of arrest. This one is sure to make you say WTF?Don’t let the headline fool you, it’s a dandy.

From the officer’s report:

I also noticed one pupil was much larger in size than the other. She then stated that one of her eyes was fake. She asked me if she wanted her to take out her fake eye. [I] told her several times that I did not want her to take it out. However, she did anyway. She then dropped her fake eye on the ground. After retrieving the eye, she attempted to hand it to me. [I] politely declined the offer to hold it.”

Streaming app issues for those using Dish

• Ron S., another first-time emailer, writes:

We ordered Paramount+ when Dish got into a fight with our local CBS provider and blocked the network. P+ offered live football but from day one we could never get games. Sometimes we couldn’t see or load random episodes of CBS programs, etc.

I spent way too much time on the phone or via email with various reps until finally I was assigned to a specialist… still didn’t work. I couldn’t understand it because Netflix and Amazon Prime worked fine. Started isolating the various inputs and figured out that even when you think Dish is off it is a resource hog, sometimes refreshing the program guide or whatever while you’re watching something else.

Sometimes I had to physically unplug the Dish box for P+ to work as advertised on my smart TV. Seems to work better now, but a possible answer to the guy’s problems.

Beau in Toledo on the big WNBA trade

Thursday Night Football analysis

• John in SD has been sending in regular dispatches on TNF and this week he got a big surprise in the form of Baker Mayfield leading a 2-minute drill after being in the Rams facility for two minutes.

John writes:

Baker Mayfield delivered (against da raiders), congratulations and he performed very well for having less than 48 hours to prepare (this coming from a lifelong Browns fan). Charissa looking great! Prime TNF doesn’t have an extra comfortable chair on stage for the post-game player interviews (gave Baker a wooden stool to sit on)! Prime delivery, get on it, now $139 a year! Herbie’s been getting better and more comfortable on TNF. 

Love the Screencaps content, keep the holiday cheer coming. European vacation pictures are awesome by both groups, keep it up and enjoy what we all want to experience. 

Kinsey:

I didn’t watch a single second of the game. It was like I knew I’d be up at 4 a.m. or something.

And finally this morning, good luck to those who are taking out a second mortgage so the kids can see Mickey

It’s officially official. Disney started its new park entrance pricing on Thursday and some of you will be paying $189 to visit Magic Kingdom this Christmas season.

And I have to assume that’s before you throw on a fast-pass so you don’t have to spend over an hour stuck in the Small World inner-corridor line. I’ll never do that again. It must’ve been what it felt like for Brittney Griner to be sent off to that Russian prison.

That’s it, I’m done with Screencaps before 7:45. You can thank the dog and her emergency dump for the early edition.

Have a great day. Enjoy the weekend. Enjoy those family parties. Smile. Laugh. Tell dirty jokes. Seriously, enjoy yourself this holiday season.

Email: joekinsey@gmail.com

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Written by Joe Kinsey

I'm an Ohio guy, born in Dayton, who roots for Ohio State and can handle you guys destroying the Buckeyes, Urban Meyer and everything associated with Columbus.

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