Game of Thrones Season Six, Episode 6
Shout out for Publix wifi on 30A. I am presently writing the "Game of Thrones" review from a Publix parking lot at midnight. Because the wifi in our beach house went out tonight. Allow me a moment to point out something: WIFI SHOULD BE AS RELIABLE AS ELECTRICITY AND WATER IN THIS COUNTRY. HOW IS WIFI NOT UNIVERSALLY AVAILABLE AND FLAWLESS FOR EVERYONE EVERYWHERE?
Anyway, on to my "Game of Thrones" column.
1. We begin with the white walkers finally catching up to Bran and Meera.
Turns out that the direwolf dying and Hodor dying bought Bran and Meera just a few minutes of time. Talk about dying in vain. And that I was right when I said i didn't have a lot of faith that Meera was going to be able to outrun the white walkers while dragging Bran.
As the white walkers near Bran he has a series of rapid fire flashes of the past, the present, and the future all melded into one. It's nearly impossible to figure them all out without the ability to slow them down, but we definitely see Jaime killing the Mad King and then sitting down on his throne. Is it possible that Bran is also the reason the Mad King goes mad? Did Bran Hodor him too?
Here's the Jaime sequence and here is the entire vision if you want to watch it several times.
We also appear to see a dragon flying over King's Landing. But is that a vision from the past or from the future?
Regardless, just as it appears Bran will be seized by the white walkers a mysterious man with a cloaked face arrives on horseback and slays them on with fireballs of fury.
"Come with me now," he says, "the dead don't rest."
2. Gilly and Sam arrive back at Sam's home.
Sam makes it very clear that his family -- particularly his father -- can't know that Gilly is a wildling.
So, of course, we're going to find out that Gilly is a wildling.
3. The High Sparrow and PC Bromani Tommen discuss Margaery's walk of attonement.
Will Margaery be naked like all of you perverts are hoping? (No. This is why you have to pay attention to the ratings at the beginning of the episode. There will be no nudity tonight.)
The important question here is: has Margaery really flipped or she playing the long religious con here? What's her end game? She's too smart and sarcastic and funny -- and her boobs are too perfect -- to be this dumb, right?
4. Samwell's family's rich and Gilly gets a fancy dress.
But then Samwell asks for another piece of bread and his dad is a paleo dude and says, "You're not fat enough all ready?" Dad follows it up by saying that even at Castle Black that Samwell has managed to say soft and fat. Which, to be fair, is a decent criticism. Wouldn't you think Samwell would lose some weight just because the food would kind of suck in a castle in the middle of nowhere?
Now it's time for a 20 second timeout where we introduce, for the first time ever, my erstwhile unknown PC bromani alter ego, Travis Clay. In the interests of being fair and balanced, he will occasionally be dropping in our columns to be empathetic and inclusive.
Here goes Travis Clay:
"Guys, this kind of fat shaming is totally unacceptable. I know this is a fictional show in a fictional world and it features all sorts of unacceptable and fantastic behavior including dragons and incest and rape and murder, but I think all of you will agree with me that the show went way over the line when they called a fat guy fat. We should all write angry letters to HBO and I hope you'll join in an angry social media protest. #fatlivesmatter"
Thanks, Travis Clay. (He's also demanding a weekly column, which may happen soon. Dude's a total pussy. I hate him.)
Gilly stands up for Samwell and says, "He killed a white walker...he's a greater warrior than either of you will ever be." Which inevitably leads to mean dad realizing that Gilly is a wildling and he ensures awkward family relations forever by saying, "A wildling whore seduced my son."
And you thought your Thanksgiving was awkward.
Imagine if mom and dad actually knew the truth -- their grandson isn't even a bastard, he's actually an incest baby.
5. Turns out that Samwell's family has a Valyrian steel sword that his dad says he'll never have.
In fact, Samwell can't even sleep in his own home. So the mom storms out with Gilly and Sam's sister and Sam comes to say goodbye to his girlfriend and her incest baby that she named after him.
Only Samwell ain't leaving!
In a bold stroke he storms back into the bedroom, says Gilly and incest baby are coming with him, and then steals the Valyrian steel sword from his family's mantle.
All we needed was for his fat ass to fall off the stool as he stole the sword.
6. Arya's back at the play where she's supposed to kill the actress playing Cersei.
Only she's grown quite fond of the actress and at the last moment she knocks the poison drink out of her hand and then goes and reclaims her sword, Needle.
The mean bitch who has been kicking Arya's ass for the past season is, of course, there to witness this betrayal and goes to the lead many faced god dude and tells him that Arya has failed. The many faced god dude gives her the okay to kill Arya.
And I think I speak for all of us when I say that I hope Arya finally beats the shit out of this annoying bitch.
I hate her.
Also, do we think that Arya might finally be having some sympathy for Cersei? She seems to view Cersei's love for Joffrey in an endearing light. So is it possible that Arya is taking Cersei off the list?
Could we also find out that the Hound isn't dead now and have him meet back up with Arya after a Revenant style recovery? One can dream.
7. Grandpa Tyrell arrives with the troops to keep Margaery from having to do her walk of attonement.
Only, just as Jaime is prepared to save Margaery -- after a badass ride up the steps on his horse -- and kill the High Sparrow, PC Bromani Tommen comes walking out and announces a holy alliance between the crown and the faith.
Grandpa Tyrell turns to Grandma Tyrell and says, "What does this mean and she says, "He's beaten us, that's what's happening."
My friend Chad, the dad of the 12 year old girl who smoked me in tennis today, asks a great question: who is the bigger pussy: Tommen or the gorilla mom who stood outside the cage and yelled that her kid was going to be fine?
Such a tough call.
8. Walder Frey wants River Run back.
One brother of Catelyn's escaped the Red Wedding -- Brynden the Blackfish -- and he has managed to retake River Run. Frey drags out Lord Edmure Tully and announces that he still has him imprisoned.
What happens here? I have no idea.
But a battle at River Run seems likely.
9. Jaime is banished from King's Landing by Tommen.
Jaime embraces Cersei -- more incest love -- and says he wants to attack the High Sparrow because, "He stole our son," but Cersei counsels otherwise.
Cersei also reveals that she's got an upcoming trial by combat -- perhaps with the Lannister counsin who is now a Sparrow? -- and that she has the Mountain to win that trial for her.
10. Benjen Stark is back, bitches.
Lost since season one when he left Castle Black, Benjen removes his cloak to show Bran that Uncle Benjen, the sexiest man in Game of Thrones history -- it's pure coincidence that I believe this and he looks a ton like me -- informs us all that he was caught by the white walkers, but that the people in the tree saved him. He tells Bran the Night's King, "will find his way to the world of men and you will be there waiting for him."
11. Drogon's back, bitches.
Not content with proving her alpha male status by burning every leading khal to death and then emerging from a raging conflagration to show the hottest boobs of all time, literally, Daenerys meets up with Drogon, climbs on his back, and delivers a stirring address that makes everyone want to kill.
It's impossible to be more badass than Daenerys right now.
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