Now let’s dive into the Starting 11.
1. Nudity, yes!
But where was the nudity?
Lost in the hoopla of a staggeringly overwhelming conclusion to the episode was this question, where’s the nudity to justify my fist pump before the episode began? The only nudity I remember seeing was the fake bare buttocks on the midgets.
Does that count?
Come on HBO, give us sex scenes when you give us the nudity line.
You can’t count midget butts.
2. In the first half of the episode we have a girl mauled to death by dogs after being shot by an arrow and three men burned to death.
Later a man slowly chokes to death.
And I’m thinking to myself, if my six and three year old ever sneak downstairs and see this television show how long would it take them to recover and sleep in their beds by themselves?
Would it ever happen again?
Both my boys can ask detailed questions about “Star Wars,” for hours. The other day my three year old came to me in the middle of the day, with no prompting, and said, “How about we talk about “Star Wars now?”
Then he asked questions for a half hour in a row.
Questions so detailed I had no idea what the answers were.
I mean, they are totally obsessed with Star Wars. If they saw a woman get mauled by dogs or people getting burned at the stake or a man slowly choke to death, they’d ask questions for months and they’d never recover.
Try explaining the Annikin kills the younglings scene to your three year old now.
It’s virtually impossible to pull off.
Now picture explaining “Game of Thrones” and all these death scenes.
Especially when mom and dad are both standing and cheering while a character chokes to death.
3. Confession: I dislike Theon more than I do Joffrey.
I find him completely worthless to the show so far. Unlike Joffrey he has no redeeming lines, his acting is nowhere near as good, his inclusion in the plot seems worthless.
If we didn’t have Theon what would the show have lost? Not much, right?
Plus, now that he doesn’t have a penis, the entire time he’s on screen I’m thinking, “Damn, this guy doesn’t have a penis.”
Which fills me with all sorts of questions: How did he survive his penis getting cut off? Also, if you’re a man, how do you go to the bathroom without a penis? It seems like it wouldn’t work. Finally, ever since John Bobbitt got his penis cut off and they found it after his wife threw it off into bushes on the side of the road and reattached it, I’ve been thinking, what if they couldn’t find your penis after it was cut off? Wouldn’t that be the final insult? If your penis wasn’t substantial enough to attract notice on the side of the road hidden in some bushes while people were looking for it?
Not only would you not have a penis, but in the police report they’d be like, “We searched for (insert penisless man’s name here) all over the side of the road, but we couldn’t find it.”
As if that wasn’t enough, this makes two characters without penises on “Game of Thrones.” That’s two too many. Although I do hope they meet at some point and discuss what not having a penis is like. Just to remedy all my questions. (Surely I’m not the only man who thinks about the lack of penises so often, you guys do too right? Or is this just because I’m a gay Muslim?)
4. From Theon shivering we go straight to sausage being served to Tyrion.
See, it’s intentional scenes like this that make it impossible to forget about Theon’s missing penis.
By the way, “Theon’s Missing Penis,” is an outstanding name for your next fantasy sports team.
Go ahead and take it, you’re welcome.
5. The actual wedding is understated.
I was expecting a spectacle, but instead the actual ceremony is rapid and relatively unadorned. There’s no real commentary aside from Sansa Stark’s
one-liner — by the way, I think she’s the worst actor or actress on the show — what does she actually do? She’s had one emotion for four straight seasons. Maybe it’s not her fault, but Dana from Homeland was made for this role. Can’t you see Dana moping around the castle, twiddling her hands, fixing her hair in front of the mirror, constantly looking upset and troubled while trembling in long, flowing dresses? Dana would own this role.
Except at least Sansa has been through trauma.
But what bothers me about Sansa the most is her utter lack of agency. She just accepts everything that’s done to her. She has no real plan, evinces no signs of intelligence, in a show where everyone is scheming for something, what does Sansa want?
Not to get f—ed by Tyrion.
Okay, what else? And she doesn’t even keep him from screwing her, he keeps that from happening.
Do something, you brat.
6. Grandma Tyrell might be my favorite character on the show right now.
I love her lines, her cockiness, the fact that she’s willing to call the Lannister’s on being full of shit.
Her best line from last night, “As if men needed more reasons to fear marriage,” won the show.
Also, her bloodlines must be pure if she produced Margaery’s cleavage. I was a bit disappointed, by the way, in Margaery’s wedding dress cleavage. We needed more here. Margaery’s boobs were ready for their close up and instead we got a relaitvely blase boob dress. For shame, Margaery, for shame.
Plus, be honest, didn’t all of you feel a bit cheated that we didn’t get to see Joffrey and Margaery’s wedding night? How would this have gone? I was pretty giddy to find out. I think Margaery might have ended up screwing Joffrey with a broomstick.
I honestly hoped that she would kill in him in the midst of sexual roleplay.
6.5 Masters Interlude.
Funniest Tweet of the day so far, @mtboa Tweeted me, “It appears Lady Brionne is now sworn to protect the Masters champ.”
7. I thought the five midget’s war reenactment was actually pretty funny.
I guess this makes me evil because everyone on the dais who was remotely entertained by the midgets was evil.
Some of y’all thought this was funny too, right? Congrats, you’re all going to hell too.
I mean, when the Joffrey midget was screwing the wolf head? That was quality entertainment right there. I’d like to think that if I was a medieval king that my midget court jesters would think to screw a wolve’s head.
Is that too much to ask?
7.5 Mad Men interlude
How awesome was Roger Sterling in episode one? He’s naked in the midst of an orgy.
And his final line of the show, “Is that my vest?” killed me.
Sterling owns Mad Men right now.
8. Okay, let’s talk about the final scenes between Tyrion and Joffrey.
They were perfect.
The great thing about Joffrey’s lines is how short they are, yet the amount of time that they have to breathe. I wrote down three of them because they were all emblematic of the pacing that makes Game of Thrones so great. I wrote about them earlier, but here they are again.
“Bring me my goblet.”
Look at how simplistic this line is on paper. It requires a great actor, the perfect scene, and the requisite pacing to render this scene so evocatively. The words hang in the air. Joffrey kicks the goblet, the building tension is palpable.
Then Sansa steps in and grabs the goblet. (Finally, Sansa does something!)
“Kneel before your king,” Joffrey commands.
Will Tyrion kneel? Will Joffrey kill him if he doesn’t? What’s going to happen here?
But the cake arrives, providing a momentary distraction from this conflict.
9. Joffrey slicing the cake with his Valeryian steel sword was perfect.
We’ve descended to the point where the fierce, brave, and deadly Ned Stark’s weapon has now been cut in two, half is owned by Jamie Lannister, who has only one hand and can’t fight with his left hand, and the other half now belongs to Joffrey, who uses it to cut the cake at his own wedding.
Killing, by the way, several doves in the process.
That was a perfect and subtle camera shot.
10. Joffrey’s final line is delivered to Tyrion: “Hurry up, this pie is dry.”
What a perfect last living line for Joffrey.
I mean, just perfect.
Tyrion passes him the glass of wine and he immediately begins to choke. Across America we all rose as one, rooting, like none of us had ever rooted for choking before, for the poison to do its work, for Joffrey to die, for no one to be able to provide a poison remedy.
Cersei, whose only redeeming trait is her love for her children, rushes to her son’s side, the only person who truly seems to want Joffrey to live.
And as the final seconds of his life drift away, Joffrey points to Tyrion, the ultimate, “J’accuse,” moment, in a show built upon shifting alliances and the uncertain paths of life, this was high theater, the king dies and simultaneously tells us who killed him.
11. The court jester rushes away Sansa.
Sansa, of course, has no idea what is happening and we’ll likely find her next week still doing nothing and with no planning for anything in the future.
But what a glorious conclusion to Joffrey’s life.
Now, presumably, an even younger incest-born child will rise to the throne of swords.
I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen next.
Just after, that is, I get over celebrating Joffrey’s death.