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SPOILER ALERT: This is a review of last night’s “Game of Thrones” episode. If you have not watched the show you probably shouldn’t read this. If you still choose to read, do not complain to me.
Every week the audience for Game of Thrones continues to grow. Now in its fourth season, by next season Game of Thrones will become, if it hasn’t already happened, the most popular show in HBO’s history.
That’s because of episodes like last night’s.
To be simple about it, put simply, television does not get any better.
So let’s dive in to Outkick’s review.
1. Earlier last night we let our boys, ages six and three, watch “Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark.”
Leading to this great line from my three year old, “Why is Han Solo pretending to be Indiana Jones?” and another, “Is the Millenium Falcon in this movie too?”
Now we’ve gotten both of them to bed, but the final scene is scary and we’re worried whether the kids will come downstairs during Game of Thrones. I ask my wife how old our oldest son will need to be before she’d let him watch Game of Thrones.
“Twenty,” she says.
2. Stannis is trying to get money to finance a challenge at the iron throne, but the bank calls him out as a loser.
Leading to an unexpected flash forward to “Hot Tub Time Machine.” Darryl from The Office — not really Darryl, but how funny would that have been?– is being serviced by two naked women. Davos offers him money to rejoin the band and Darryl from The Office is on board.
In related news, this is the first nudity we’ve seen all season where the people who are naked are happy to be naked throughout the entirety of the scene.
Given how this season has gone so far, I halfway expected for the red-headed fire priestess to show up, birth another monster from her vagina, and then have everyone get raped and murdered in the bath house.
3. Remember our girl Yara, who received her brother’s dick in a box, and swore she would save him.
Well, she’s been on a boat for the entire season until now, when she arrives at the castle to save her brother. They storm the ramparts and we see contrasting scenes of Ramsay having consensual sex — yay, consensual sex — while Yara slays everyone in her path. She finally makes it to Theon’s jail cell, but he refuses to leave with her.
Ramsay shows up all clawed up and bleeding on his chest and back — from the sex, when did this happen? — and proceeds to release the dogs whereupon Yara and her men flee.
Yara says, “My brother’s dead.”
So this entire plot point didn’t produce anything. But Yara is back on a boat. Presumably she will see the bastard heir to the Baratheon throne, he must still be rowing to Westeros too.
4. A pastoral scene of a young boy goat herding is interrupted when one of the dragons, now quite large, makes an appearance and flame throws a goat berfore carrying it off to eat.
The goat herder next appears seeking payment for the death of his goats and Daenerys, now sitting on the throne, is there to pay him three times as much as the goats were worth.
5. But Daenerys is learning that being a queen is tiring.
She allows a subject to take down his father’s body and bury it, but she still has 212 people waiting to meet with her.
I’m thinking we probably need a more streamlined process here.
Less deference, more action. If everyone gets three minutes that’s twenty people an hour. Meaning, she could be done with everyone in 11 hours.
That’s what I’d advise, anyway.
6. All of this is the prelude for Tyrion’s trial.
Which, before I write anything else, is just about as good as television can possibly get.
King Tommen recuses himself and puts Tywin Lannister on the Iron Throne to preside over the trial. A collection of noblemen sit in the Iron Throne room reacting to the testimony of the witnesses.
One after another sham witnesses come forward to assert that Tyrion and Sansa murdered Joffrey with stolen poison.
7. All of this leads to a break in the trial when we learn what Tywin, the Nick Saban of Game of Thrones, really wants.
You knew that Tywin, now 67 years old, wanted something, that his maneuverings were predicated on some end goal.
Finally, we realize what that is.
He wants Jaime Lannister to sire legitimate children and further the Lannister family name while living in Casterly Rock. So Jaime agrees to do so if his father will be lenient with Tyrion’s punishment. Tywin agrees, he’ll send Tyrion to join the King’s Watch at the wall.
8. From here the show belongs to Tyrion.
Jaime conveys the offer, Tyrion questions whether, like Nedd Stark, he will make a deal and be executed anyway, and the trial recommences.
A new witness is called, we have a moment of uncertainty as the camera registers Tyrion’s shock.
It’s Shae, who we last saw being taken to get on a ship bound for safety across the seas. (Little Finger has to be to blame here, right? He kidnapped Shae and kept her until this moment is my best bet. Planning all along that Tyrion would be found guilty of the murder.)
But even still, how shocking was this betrayal by Shae?
9. Shae testifies that Tyrion and Sansa plotted the death of Joffrey.
Asked how she knows this, she responds that she was his whore. Then proceeds to ridicule Tyrion by providing details of their love affair.
Tyrion, overcome by Shae’s betrayal, finally speaks.
10. Just watch Tyrion’s speech here and tell me that television can get better than this.
Put simply, it can’t.
11. If Shakespeare was writing today, he’d be working at HBO.
I have zero doubt.
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