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Game of Thrones is nearly a perfect television show right now because everything about it is virtually flawless. Including, at long last, the nudity. We’re finally back to non-rape nudity. I didn’t know if we were ever going to make it back again so this incredibly relieving.
Celebrate with me.
Let’s dive into last night’s episode.
1. Tyrion and Jaime Lannister are talking in the dungeon.
Tyrion points out that Jaime is the golden son because he can kill the king, lose his hand and screw his sister yet Tywin Lannister still loves him. Whereas, of course, Tyrion is the dwarf and nothing he can ever do is enough to make his father happy.
Tyrion floats the idea of Jaime fighting on his behalf since if Jaime lost the Lannister name would disappear. But, of course, Jaime doesn’t love his brother that much.
2. The Mountain is terrifying.
He’s slaughtering random people as Cersei looks on. Who are these people? Prisoners? Just random poor people that Cersei brought in to get destroyed by the Mountain. Talk about bad luck.
At first I thought the Mountain might just be a decent-sized guy being filmed to look bigger than he actually was, but in real life the actor playing the Mountain is 6’9″ and 405 pounds.
That’s massive in today’s society, but can you imagine what that would have been like back in a day when brute physical strength mattered more than anything?
The Mountain was like a real-life tank.
So this is who Cersei has selected as her sword, the most dangerous man in the world.
3. Arya and The Hound is the best relationship in the show.
It’s an odd relationship — The Hound helps instruct Arya to kill a man by stabbing him directly in the heart and then Arya kills a man right after by doing just that and you find yourself thinking, that’s so sweet — but it’s a loving one.
The Hound reveals more details of the time he was burned by his brother — mirroring to a certain extent the relationship between Tyrion and Jaime, the beloved favored son can do no wrong and the disfigured one is permanantly undeserving of love — and Arya helps to clean out his wound.
Of course, this doesn’t stop me from believing that at some point Arya’s going to kill The Hound, probably after he’s been mortally wounded by being stabbed in the stomach. You know this too, right? It’s how this relationship is bound to end.
4. Tyrion tries to convince Bronn to fight the Mountain for him.
But Cersei has already bought Bronn’s loyalty.
So there will be no repeat of Bronn’s duel above the moon door that previously saved Tyrion’s life.
“I suppose I’ll have to fight the Mountain myself, won’t that make for a great song?,” Tyrion says.
5. Daenerys makes her top soldier strip naked while she drinks wine and surveys him.
We get a rear-naked ass shot. (Which made every single person watching think, what would my ass look like on a rear-naked shot).
Then the two of them have sex all night long.
Unfortunately, however, we do not see Daenerys naked, which makes the whole scene wasted in my opinion.
6. From this immediate shot of a man’s bare ass we go to the fire lady, who is taking a bath.
The fire lady has perfect breasts and it’s almost like the Game of Thrones directors were thinking, “We haven’t shown fire lady’s perfect breasts in too long. Let’s put her in a bath and make sure her boobs are visible.”
Because these are clearly gratutious boob shots, right? She could have had this same conversation with Stannis’s wife without needing to be naked. But God bless you Game of Thrones, you give us all the gratuituous nudity we could possibly want.
7. Oberyn tells the story of Tyrion’s birth and taunting by Cersei.
Tell me you didn’t want to cry during this story. Oberyn believed that Tyrion was a monster because of all the stories they’d heard about his birth. But ultimately he was just a regular looking baby.
When she showed him to the visitors, Cersei grabbed her brother’s penis and squeezed it so hard that Oberyn thought she was going to rip it off. All while blaming Tyrion for killing their mother.
Good Lord, Cersei’s truly evil, right? I’m back to hating her again. Can’t she die too?
Meanwhile, a morose Tyrion says, “If you want justice, you’ve come to the wrong place.”
8. “I will be your champion,” says Oberyn.
Even if this was predictable — and it totally was, I turned to my wife, who has read all the books, and said this when we saw The Mountain for the first time that Oberyn would fight him — tell me you weren’t ready to stand up and do a Phil Mickelson-esque birdie fist pump when Oberyn uttered this line.
But now we have to wait two weeks to see what happens in the final three episodes of the season.
I’m not sure I can wait two weeks to see Oberyn fight the Mountain. Especially since you know Oberyn’s preferred method of training will be to have an orgy.
9. Sansa’s sitting outside building a snow replica of Winterfell.
Yay, Sansa’s finally done something, she’s made a snow castle. You know a character’s worthless when you actually think this.
Along comes weird ass Robin to mess up her castle by trying to create a moon door in one of the parapets. Sansa slaps him for ruining her castle and Petyr Baelish strides outside and says, “I loved your mother. You’re more beautiful than she ever was,” then he sweeps in Sansa for a kiss.
Which, of course, is witnessed by crazy ass Lysa.
10. Crazy ass Lysa’s at the moon door waiting for Sansa to come talk with her.
I don’t know about you, but if I was Sansa I might have requested a conversation somewhere else in the castle. Such as, you know, anywhere other than a gigantic hole the floor beside a crazy woman.
Can you imagine how scary it would be to have a real moon door in your house? Especially if you have kids. I’m terrified of the stairs with my kids, can you imagine if you had a thousand foot hole in the floor?
Anyway, crazy ass Lysa grabs Sansa and hangs her over the edge of the moon door. Sansa, since she’s incapable of actual action, appears perfectly willing to permit her crazy aunt to throw her down the hole. But just when you think Sansa might meet her doom — I was actually rooting for Sansa and Lysa to fall together and both die — in comes Petyr Baelish to pull Lysa back from the brink.
He promises to send Sansa away then sweeps crazy ass Lysa into an embrace.
11. “I have only loved one woman my entire life,’ says Petyr Baelish, “your sister.”
Where does this rank for most bad ass final words? It’s up there. Can you beat it? Then he pushes her into the moon door and we watch crazy ass Lysa fall to her death.
I’m beginning to love Petyr Baelish.
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