SPOILER ALERT: This Article is about Game of Thrones episode four season four. If you have not seen this episode then you probably shouldn’t read this article. If you do read the article then don’t complain about the fact that there are spoilers included. That’s kind of the point.
Okay, here we go.
1. I missed the nudity warning finishing my article about SEC football scheduling and had to ask my wife whether there was going to be nudity.
She hadn’t missed it.
My mother-in-law is also in town watching her first “Game of Thrones,” episode ever. So my wife has to explain to her that I root for nudity before every episode. “What if it’s a naked man?” my mother-in-law asks. “Acceptable in orgy situations,” I say.
I never thought I would be saying, “Acceptable in orgy situations,” to my mother in law, but this is what happens when you have no filter.
2. Is Daenerys the baddest ass woman in TV history?
The answer’s yes. Honestly, all the baddest ass women in TV history are on right now. My top three is 1. Daenerys 2. Keri Russell on the Americans and 3. Claire Danes on Homeland
She conquers an entire city by having the slaves revolt and kill their masters. Then she crucifies 163 masters.
If I had to predict how “Game of Thrones,” will end, it’s with Daenerys on the throne, having learned how to be a great ruler during her time spent conquering all of these kingdoms.
She’s like Alexander the Great right now.
Her great reign — Pax Westeros — will last for two episodes and then she’ll be raped and killed by one of her dragons.
3. Last week Jaime raped his sister alongside the dead body of one of their murdered incest children.
Up until the rape scene Jaime had become my favorite legacy GoT character.
This week he had a nice heart-to-heart with Tyrion in the jail and reconvinced me he was my favorite character.
So I’m willing to overlook that he raped Cersei last week. And I’m also willing to overlook that he had an incestual love affair with his sister.
Welcome to Game of Thrones morality.
4. Little Finger confesses his involvement in the Joffrey murder to Sansa, who is predictably, totally unaware of anything.
“What do you want?” Sansa Stark asks.
“Everything,” Little Finger responds. Which looks like it wouldn’t be thrilling dialogue when you read it, but Little Finger has the ability to make the word “Everything,” totally terrifying.
Meanwhile, placing Sansa on a boat that could be heading anywhere in the world is the perfect metaphor of her role thus far in the entire show. She does nothing, knows nothing, and is entirely an agent of whichever more powerful person has control of her at this moment in time.
Right now it’s Little Finger.
(By the way, anyone else halfway expecting for Shae to be on this boat with Sansa? And what’s happened to everyone else on a boat? Remember the rightful heir to the throne, the Baratheon bastard, is somewhere in a boat. Meanwhile so is Theon’s sister, who set off to conquer the north once she received his dick in a box. Where are all these people?)
5. Lady Tyrell confesses her involvement in killing Joffrey.
“You don’t think I’d let you marry that beast, do you?”
But she also announces she’s leaving, which is pretty crushing to the show. I love her at this point.
6. Margaery Tyrell is now slowly seducing a ten year old boy, the future king, whom she will marry.
Unless, that is, someone kills this kid first. Given that Margaery was able to just waltz into his room without any protection stopping her, this is a bit alarming.
I’m guessing the future king’s ten years old, but I honestly have no idea how old this kid is. If he’s 12 or 13, then he’s basically living every 12 or 13 year old boy’s dream, a hot grown woman is sneaking into his bedroom every night and trying to make him like her.
It also speaks to Game of Thrones morality that I totally expected her to sleep with him when she came into his bedroom.
7. I have no idea what’s going on near Castle Black or north of the wall.
My wife was getting frustrated with me because I kept having to ask questions about all these plot points. Now what happened? Who are these guys raping these girls? Whose wolf is that? How did the wolf get there? Who is the guy who called everyone else a bunch of cunts? I was totally lost.
Also, we get our nudity, but it’s more raping.
No one has had sex for fun in Game of Thrones this season.
(Except for Oberyn, and even his sex is always getting interrupted by fights).
8. Jaime and Lady Brionne probably have the best relationship on “Game of Thrones.”
I’m rooting for them to end up together. Primarily because can you imagine the genes in Lady Brionne? She and Jaime would produce a sword-fighting monster. This is the GoT equivalent of Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf getting married and having kids. You telling me those kids won’t be good at tennis? Please.
Other than Arya and the Hound, this is the only on-screen relationship you see and think, this is pretty sweet. In its own twisted GoT way, of course.
Oath Keeper is a solid name for the sword that Jaime Lannister gives her. Now she’s got to go find Sansa and become the latest person to tell Sansa exactly what to do.
9. Bran’s captured.
No one really understand what’s going on with Bran, but now he’s captured by the guys in the dead pervert’s house and I think we’re setting up for Jon Snow and his band of volunteers to become Bran’s convoy to unlock the meaning of life.
That’s the only reason I can figure out for this entire plot line north of the wall, to bring Jon Snow and Bran back together again.
If this doesn’t happen, then I give up.
10. What would a white walkers vs. the dragons battle look like?
I’m hoping this happens at some point.
The dragons have to be immune to the white walker death, right? Or could we get white walking dragons? The very idea of this just gave every dungeon and dragons player a simultaneous erection.
11. That was the creepiest ending ever.
Which I’ve reproduced in the above image.
If that didn’t given you nightmares, I don’t know what would.
If you’re just catching up, here are Outkick’s reviews for the first three episodes of season four: