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And now we wait.
Four years after his murder in book five, Jon Snow was stabbed to death by his Night’s Watch compatriots to end season five. Will he or won’t he emerge from the dead? We’ll discuss inside.
So let’s get rolling.
1. The Lord of Lights has brought a thaw!
Burning your daughter to death is a small price to pay for melting snow.
Only, having watched him burn his daughter to death, half of Stannis’s troops have deserted. Just after hearing this, Stannis is approached with more bad news. “Speak up,” he says, “it can’t be worse than mutiny.”
His wife has hung herself.
All that Stannis has left is his belief in Melisandre and her perfect boobs.
“On to Winterfell,” he says.
2. Jon Snow and Samwell say their goodbyes and the entire scene feels like a prelude for Snow’s death.
“How does it feel to be friends with the most hated man in Castle Black?” Snow asks.
Then he says his only hope is that the white walkers don’t learn how to climb the wall. If you had missed the connection between Snow’s killing of a white walker and the Valyrian Steel, it’s spelled out explicitly in this conversation and both men realize that there aren’t enough swords to make a difference.
Sam requests a reassignment so he and Gilly and the baby can be safer and admits that he’s slept with Gilly.
Snow, in one of his few moments of humor in five seasons, responds, “I’m glad the end of the world is working out well for someone.”
Sam and Gilly leave and we’re left lingering on Snow’s face. He’s a man bereft of friends, isolated and alone in a castle filled with people who detest him for allowing the wildlings through.
It’s hard to think things will end well for him.
3. Sansa puts her candle in the tower just as Lady Brienne leaves her observation point and as Stannis’s army arrives to lay siege to Winterfell.
Only, the Winterfell army — aided by Stannis’s sell swords fliping sides? — doesn’t wait for a siege, they come out to fight.
Perhaps having spent all their money on the White Walker battle scene, HBO cuts to the result of the battle as opposed to showing us any of the battle itself — leaving Stannis, whose army has been crushed, propped up against a tree bleeding heavily from his leg as Lady Brienne emerges.
Lady Brienne tells him that she swore to avenge Renley Baratheon’s death and asks if he has any final words.
Stannis replies, “Go on, do your duty.”
Then we cut away before we see the definite kill shot.
Do we think Lady Brienne killed him? I do, but we don’t know for sure.
Welcome to the theme of this episode.
4. Ramsey walks around killing survivors attempting to surrender in the most Ramsey move possible.
Meanwhile, Sansa is confronted by the crazy side bitch with a bow and arrow. The side bitch says that Ramsey is going to get sons from Sansa, but that he’ll slowly torture her to death.
Sansa’s ready to die and taunts the side bitch into shooting her when, lo and behond, Reek turns back into Theon and he dumps the side bitch off the castle ramparts in his Darth Vader moment. (We all wanted it to be Ramsey falling to his death, but this will have to do for now.) The two of them then stare down at the snow and leap from the castle walls.
Some of you on our Periscope chat thought that Theon and Sansa were committing suicide, but I don’t believe that’s the case at all. I think it was their attempt to flee.
We’ll have to wait a year to find out for sure.
Fleeing from Ramsey, a man who enjoys tracking women doesn’t seem very safe unless they immediately find Lady Brionne.
5. Arya Stark finally pays off for her weird storyline all season.
She stabs the first guy on her list — the man who killed her sword trainer –in the eyes after pretending to be a young prostitute.
“I’m Arya Stark,” she says, before following it up with one of the most bad ass murder lines in show history, “You know who you are? You’re no one, you’re nothing.” Then she slits his throat.
Upon returning to the temple, the many faced god says someone has to pay for Arya taking a life without permission. He drinks a poison and collapses. Arya rushes forward — believing he has killed himself — and begins removing faces until she reaches her own. Upon seeing her own face she goes blind and collapses.
What will happen from here? Who knows? But this is the third straight character left in a perilous or uncertain situation.
At this point the frenzy of action is so intense that it’s hard to keep up with how rapidly things are progressing. After several episodes of relative calm, we’re finishing these final three episodes at a frenetic pace.
6. Ellaria Sand makes out with Myrcella as she climbs onto a boat to return to Westeros.
I’ll confess, the hot makeout session distracted me from realizing what was actually happening.
Well, that, and the incredible line from the Sand Snake with the perfect boobs to Bronn.
“You want a good girl, but you need a bad pussy,” perfect boobs says.
I want Bronn to end up on the Iron Throne with the Sand Snake as his queen now.
Every guy watching this would totally hook up with this Sand Snake even if it meant she might/probably would kill him immediately after the sex was over.
Anyway, back on the boat, we get a moment of genuine authenticity and happiness when Jaime Lannister — who once pushed a young boy off a castle wall and raped his sister alongside the dead body of his son/nephew — confesses that he’s actually Myrcella’s father. Aw, what a good guy! She hugs him and says, “I know about you and mother…and I’m glad that you are my father.”
But as we all know, happiness never lasts on “Game of Thrones.”
So Myrcella begins to bleed from the nose and collapses in Jaime’s arms. Yep, she’s been poisoned by Ellaria with the kiss. We cut back to shore where Ellaria begins to bleed from the nose and takes her antidote. There are so many questions about this.
How will Trystane react to his fiancee’s murder? Is there any way they can get the boat back to shore fast enough since Bronn would immediately recognize what happened? Ellaria has to be put to death, right? Will she flee? Most importantly, when will we see those perfect Sand Snake boobs again?
We don’t know, yet another scene ends in uncertainty.
7. Tyrion, Jorah, and Daario discuss what to do about finding Daenerys in the Meereen throne room.
They decide to leave Tyrion in charge while Jorah and Daario will ride north in search of the dragon and Daenerys.
Before they leave Daario drops one of the best lines of the season, “He’s the toughest man with no balls I’ve ever met.”
Which is a nice thing to say, given that the Unsullied have been exposed as the worst army of soldiers ever. Who trained them, George McClellan?
As Tyrion stares out over the new kingdom he will now be responsible for ruling, who should appear, but our old friend Varys?
The band is back together again!
8. The dragon, who appears weakened by his rescue, has flown Daenerys far north to his nest.
Daenerys asks him to take her back to Meereen, but the dragon refuses so she embarks on a walk — looking for food for him? — when who should appear, but a horde of Dothraki warriors.
Daenerys, in an effort to still appear single since Dothraki wives are never supposed to remarry — or to potentially leave a clue for those searching for her — drops her ring into the dirt road.
The last we see of her she is surrounded by the Dothraki horde.
9. Cersei confesses to the high sparrow that she slept with her first cousin, but she denies ever sleeping with Jaime.
This leads to her hair being chopped off and her being stripped naked and forced to perform a walk of attonement as she’s taunted by the citizens of Westeros.
Cersei — or a body double — proceeds to be beaten, bloodied, and taunted on her long walk to the castle while a bell is rung and the word shame is said over and over again.
Fortunately, despite the long and bloody walk, Cersei’s boobs remain intact.
That and YouTube doesn’t exist. Lots of people probably missed the nude walk and they’ll never be able to see it again. So that’s nice at least.
Upon arrival in the castle — we still haven’t seen the worst son ever, Tommen — the Mountain, a giant in full armor, is introduced as the newest member of the King’s Guard. He picks up Cersei and we can already look forward to the Mountain fucking up the Sparrows next season.
But seriously, can we talk about Tommen going totally absent here? His mom just got stripped down naked and made to walk through the entire city while everyone taunted her. His wife, Queen Margaery, is still in the jail cells and we have no idea what’s happening with her. Coukld Tommen be any more of a pussy?
How bad is it? I’m kind of wishing Joffrey was still alive.
Also, what happens to the Iron Throne when Tommen is inevitably killed for being a total pussy? Who would be next in line? I have no idea. All of the fake Baratheon heirs are dead. Even Stannis appears to be dead. So there doesn’t appear to be a Baratheon who would would take the throne. If Margaery’s alive would she retain the throne then? She didn’t when Joffrey was killed. Does anyone know the line of succession here?
10 and 11. Let’s talk about Jon Snow’s death.
The final scene of season five is Snow, lying on the snow, as his blood pools around him.
He’s been branded a traitor and stabbed multiple times by the men of the Night’s Watch — including the kid — all of whom say, “For the watch,” before stabbing him in the gut. (Interestingly, they get him out of his office by telling him that a wildling is claiming to know about Benjen Stark, who we have not seen since he went north of the wall in the first season.)
Let me vent a bit here too, where the fuck was the wolf? He can show up to save Sam and Gilly, but when Jon Snow needs his fucking wolf he’s nowhere to be found?
Worst. Wolf. Ever.
So what are our options as to what has happened to Jon Snow?
Here are our four options in the order that I think they are most likely:
1. Snow will be resurrected by Melisandre and her perfect boobs.
Melisandre has the ability to resurrect the dead and she’s already attempted to sway Snow, who memorably turned down her perfect boobs earlier this season. With Stannis defeated and her faith wavering, she needs a new patron to support. Snow, presumably freed of his Night’s Watch oath since the night’s watch killed him, would be able to lead the Wildlings on a march to Winterfell, where they could conquer Ramsey and attempt to free Sansa.
2. Snow survives the stabbings.
Would it shock anyone if Davos, the nicest man on “Game of Thrones,” stumbled upon Snow’s bleeding body, rescued him, and led him to the Wildlings who nursed him back to health using some strange north of the wall remedies?
Remember too that Davos hasn’t been told how the princess died. Can you imagine when he eventually finds out from one of the deserters that Stannis burned his own daughter at the stake at the behest of Melisandre?
3. Snow becomes a white walker.
Will they treat Snow’s body with the respect and honor he deserves by burning him or will they leave him in the snow and, potentially, throw him off the top of the wall, leaving him to be turned into a white walker? if Snow’s body isn’t properly disposed of, could he become a white walker and lead the white walker’s South? Certainly.
This brings up a perfect scene that should have happened instead of the stabbing — why couldn’t the night’s watch have decided to burn Snow at the stake instead of stabbing him? When they put him on the stake and light the fire, Snow doesn’t burn and we learn then that he’s a Targaryen.
Tell me you wouldn’t have been standing up in your living rooms pumping your fists if Snow didn’t burn to death and the final scene was just Snow staring out at all the night’s watchmen with the flames burning everything around him?
This would have been a total nerd orgasm.
4. Snow is dead.
This is the least satisfying yet most George R. R. Martin like move. Nothing magical will happen now. Snow is simply dead.
I refuse to believe this is possible.
Because if it is, I’d be crying.
Thanks for all of you who have read the reviews again this season. We’ll be back to bring the reviews anew as soon as season six debuts.
Given how much uncertainty is out there, I can’t wait.
Neither can you.
By the way, I’m embedding 15 minutes of our post-show presser from Periscope below. We had thousands of people hanging out to discuss the show last night. If you aren’t signed up for Periscope yet, do it.