Game of Thrones Season Five, Episode Six

Medieval knight

Worst. Wedding. Night. Ever. 

Let’s dive right in, shall we? 

1. Arya’s still at the Jack Kevorkian temple. 

Proving that she has entered the amoral center of the universe, Arya lies well enough to get a very sick girl to kill herself by drinking from the death fountain. 

This, of course, is praise worthy in the Jack Kevorkian temple. 

“She’s ready to become someone else.”

Having convinced a sick girl to kill herself and that everything would be better, Arya’s reward is that she gets to walk into the secret catacombs of faces. Here the dead faces line the pillars of a huge room. Only on “Game of Thrones,” could there be an entire temple filled with dead people’s faces and it not be remotely creepy.

I’m sitting here thinking, “Okay, they keep millions of dead faces on pillars. I can see that. Makes total sense.” 

2. Tyrion and Jorah continue their trip to Daenerys and Tyrion tells Jorah how his father died.

Then they’re kidnapped by Mr. Eko, who has time traveled off the Lost island, grown man boobs, and miraculously reappeared in “Game of Thrones” where he now works as a slave trader.

This leads us to the two best lines of the episode.

3. “Dwarf’s cock has magic powers,” says Mr. Eko.  

At this point Tyrion becomes the first person in world history to avoid death by claiming that his dick is too big to be confused with a dwarf’s dick.

Am I the only person who expected Mr. Eko to check out Tyrion’s dick? I mean, I’m no expert on dwarf cock — thankfully — but how do you just accept the word of a dwarf that he doesn’t have a tiny penis when he’s saying it to save his life? Wouldn’t you check his dick size to ensure that you weren’t wasting your time? 

Anyway, this leads to the ultimate walk off command, “The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant,” Mr. Eko says. 

This leaves me with a tremendous question, “WHO GETS TO PLAY THE COCK MERCHANT?”

How incredible would it be if Madonna played the role of cock merchant? Can you beat Madonna for this role? Okay, other than Bruce Jenner. I need your suggestions on who the funniest cock merchant would be.  

4. Lord Baelish and Cersei have an incredible face-to-face conversation.

This is after Baelish’s spectacular confrontation with the Sparrows. The moralists vs. the libertines, it’s like a real life Republican primary! I’m coming to love Baelish, who wants to be given control of the north and might be willing to give up Sansa Stark to get there. But he won’t really, will he? 

What’s Baelish’s end game here? My thought is that he’ll return to the north with his army — inform Stannis of Cersei’s offer to him — accept control of the north, marry Sansa, ally himself with Stannis and then advance upon King’s Landing with his army and Stannis’s army. 

5. Jaime and Bronn arrive in Dorne and just walk right up to Jaime’s daughter in the palace. 

Who’s in charge of the Dorne palace defense, the secret service? How does this just happen? Two random dudes can just stroll right into the palace garden?

They interrupt a makeout session and try to persuade Jaime’s daughter/niece to leave with them. She refuses, the Sand Snakes show up, a fight ensues and Jaime and Bronn are taken hostage.

6. Grandma Tyrell in the house!

I’m honestly afraid she’s going to die during every off season. I love her. She and Cersei have another great confrontation and this leads to the Loras Tyrell inquisition, conducted by the High Sparrow. 

Loras and Queen Margaery both deny any knowledge of Loras’s being gay. The High Sparrow then brings in a witness to testify that he’s slept with Loras and that the queen witnessed them together. 

The High Sparrow announces the queen will be held in jail for lying.

Wow.  

7. Queen Margaery turns to King Tommen, imploring him to save her, but Tommen is too weak to act. 

Maybe Margaery isn’t as good in bed as we thought?

Cersei, whose master plan has been perfectly executed, expresses alarm over the turn of events as if she hasn’t caused it all.

Now the question is, will King Tommen ever do anything or are the Sparrows in total control of King’s Landing? Because the High Sparrow basically took out his dick and just slapped the king in the face with it.

There’s already been a ton of things happen in this episode, but all anyone is talking about — and all you want to read about — is what went down in Winterfell. 

8. So let’s get creepy in Winterfell.

Ramsey’s mistress gives Sansa the creepiest bath ever.

She tries to terrify Sansa of what Ramsey will do to her. Yet Sansa seems unafraid. Maybe she should have listened. 

9. Theon/Reek walks Sansa, wearing a beautiful white dress, down the aisle in the midst of a snowfall — winter has come!

Ramsey and Sansa are married.

Aw, how sweet. 

Underrated funny moment? How about Ramsey’s mistress rocking the cleavage at the outdoor wedding in the snow? That’s one cocky side bitch.

10. Ramsey takes Sansa back to the bedroom and rapes here while Theon watches.

New leader for creepiest line in “Game of Thrones” history comes via Ramsey: “You’ve known Sansa since she was a girl. Now watch her become a woman.”

Worst. Wedding. Night. Ever.

11. Here are my thoughts on this scene.   

The biggest criticism I can make of “Game of Thrones,” — a show I love — is that the villains can be cartoonishly oversimplified. I haven’t read the books, so I can’t speak to how the characters are revealed there, but this now makes two prominent TV characters without an ounce of decency in them, Ramsey and King Joffrey. 

We already hated Ramsey. We didn’t need to see him rape Sansa to hate him more than we already did. Ramsey seems to embody pure evil. I just don’t buy into anyone being pure evil. Moreover, if you create a world where pure evil exists, doesn’t it have to be balanced out with someone or something that is purely good? Who is that character? Jon Snow is the closest purely “good” character, but even he is imperfect. There isn’t any good to balance out the evil on the show.  

My fear here is that allowing multiple characters to embody all that’s evil is going to keep “Game of Thrones” from ascending to the ranks of the greatest shows in TV history. Sure, it’s an incredibly entertaining show, but compare the characters in “Game of Thrones” with the unquestioned top shows that I’ve ever watched every episode of “Breaking Bad,” “Mad Men,” “Sopranos,” and “Friday Night Lights.” In epic scope and style, “Game of Thrones” has the most in common, I believe, with “The Sopranos.” Think about the characters on “The Sopranos,” they all dwelled somewhere on the spectrum between good and evil. Just like we all do. Sometimes they surprised us with how decent they could be, sometimes they surprised us with how venal they could be. But they were always human. And that’s why we ultimately loved the shows.

My fear with Ramsey Bolton’s character is that he’s cartoonishly evil. You might be able to play that chord once — certainly it happened with King Joffrey — but without any variation I don’t find Ramsey’s character believable. I mean believable in the show sense. I’m willing to believe in all sorts of unbelievable aspects of the show because I’ve entered that universe: dragons and people moving inside crows and vagina death monsters. But I’m not sure I’m willing to believe in Ramsey Bolton. And that more than the awfulness of the rape was my issue with the final scene of the show.

It would have been a much more interesting ending to me if Ramsey had made sweet and soft and tender love to Sansa. He could still be a psychopath, but he’d at least be an interesting psychopath. As is, Ramsey is too predictable in his awfulness. I don’t believe anyone is as evil as he has been.

I still have zero doubt that we’re heading towards a Theon/Reek Darth Vader against the Emperor death moment. I’d be stunned if Theon/Reek doesn’t attain a measure of redemption by killing Ramsey. That will be satisfying, but would it be any less satisfying if Ramsey did anything in the history of the show that was a tad bit likable?

I don’t think so.  

Bonus TV moment, if you’ll indulge me on the “Mad Men” finale.

I loved the final scene. It was completely and totally perfect. 

From the first season of “Mad Men,” Don Draper has been uncomfortable with the counter culture movement. He doesn’t seem to fit in, he can’t make sense of it. Don, who presents a totally polished image of perfection to the world, doesn’t like the anti-authority nature of the hippies; they don’t move to a beat of the drum that Don understands. Despite the fact, interestingly, that in his own personal life Don embraces many of the counter culture’s most basic tenets, he rejects their embrace. After all, who believes in free love more than Don, who never met a skirt he didn’t chase? Don does drugs, consumes vast quantities of food and drink, lives to excess in his personal life, even marries a younger hippie in Megan. But Don is uncomfortable with the counter culture because he hasn’t figured out how to capitalize on it on his work. He worries that the world is leaving him behind. When he walks out of the meeting at McCann, the analytics and data that the young advertisers are bringing to bear in research conflict with his creative methodology. Don is a man left behind by the tides of history. And that’s why he bails on everything in his life.  

In his call to Peggy it appears that Don has finally become the fallen man from the opening montage of the show. Many of us thought, for a moment at least, that Don was on the verge of suicide, that he might throw himself into the sea and complete his full descent. Until that random bald guy talks about being unloved and uses a refrigerator as his metaphor. Don, on the brink of giving up on life, suddenly has his ah ha moment, that opening of the refrigerator’s salvation is a Coke. He rushes across the share circle and hugs the man. We think he’s had a grand epiphany in his own life. But it’s nothing like that at all. Don’s just had his latest, greatest advertising idea. He’s finally figured out how to fuse the hippie counter culture zeitgeist with his own creative advertising ideas.

Don Draper, whose greatest advertising creation of all his is his own manufactured and stolen life, is back, baby!

Which brings me to my final thought on “Mad Men.”

Ultimately, Don, like most of us, was the carousel. Round and round we go, always seeking home.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.