Last week I failed all of you when we went to the beach and missed episode seven. We didn’t have HBO in our house and our xfinity passwords weren’t working either. All week long you guys complained over my failure to get the episode review up. My apologies.
So this week I’m starting with the review of last night’s episode, but my epsiode 7 review will be immediately after it. This means you have twice as much time not to work.
So here we go:
1. Tyrion finally gets to Daenerys and he advises that Jorah needs to be removed from the kingdom.
One of the most remarkable things about “Game of Thrones” is that so far we haven’t had anyone on the television show claiming to be someone they aren’t. If you are a dwarf why not pretend to be Tyrion Lannister on the other side of the ocean? How would anyone know it wasn’t you?
Daenerys says, “I’m not going to stop the wheel, I’m going to break the wheel,” in regards to who sits on the Iron Throne.
So will Daenerys bring democracy to Westeros?
And where the hell is Varys?
Meanwhile, in Westeros, Tommen’s mom and his wife are both in jail and he’s not eating or talking to anyone.
Worst. King. Ever.
2. Arya gets her first assignment from the two faced men — combatting insurance fraud.
Yep, while the entire world is falling apart, Arya Stark is out here making sure that anyone who buys insurance gets paid on that insurance.
(Tip to the Periscoper who pointed out how ridiculous this part of the episode looks based on how the show ended. This plot line is just laughable. In fact, with the white walkers coming, do any plots matter other than the white walkers? This is like trying to collect home owner’s insurance when the apocalypse happens. “Yeah, I know the world is ending, but I paid my deductible!”)
3. Theon/Reek confesses to Sansa that he didn’t actually kill Bran or Rickon Stark.
I know Bran isn’t going to appear this season — he’s still in the tree — but is there any doubt Bran is going to eventually use his animous powers and end up inside one of the dragons?
How badass is this going to be?
A bunch of you on Periscope also want Jon Snow to ride the dragon. Which would be equally badass, if a bit Harry Potterish.
4. Jon Snow heads out to recruit the wildlings with Tormund in tow.
They try to convince everyone to go to a meeting and a wildling dude attempts to make a dick joke and Tormund just kills him right there before he can even finish his joke about Tormund sucking Jon Snow’s dick.
Worst. Dick. Joke. Ever.
Also, big flaw here. Everyone knows, male and female, that it would be an honor to suck Jon Snow’s dick. What kind of insult is that? Jon Snow is such a badass now that I think he’s going to spend the rest of season five trying to seduce straight guys to sleep with him. I mean, dudes that aren’t even gay in the least bit. Women are just no challenge for him.
It’s not gay if it’s with Jon Snow.
5. I’m not big on time travel across shows — at least not yet — but what if we could put Jon Snow and Tim Riggins in the same room together?
Are you telling me that every woman — and half the men — watching this show wouldn’t become simultaneously pregnant?
If you couldn’t get your wife to sleep with you after she watched a show with Jon Snow and Tim Riggins on it, that’s grounds for divorce. It’s the new no fault. You just click the, “She wouldn’t sleep with me after watching Jon Snow and Tim Riggins on TV box,” and that’s it, you’re divorced.
6. Tormund neglects to go with his best pitch of why the wildlings should follow him.
That would be, “You’ll all be closer to Jon Snow.”
Many of the wildlings refuse to come along — including one guy with weird hair and a scythe — but some agree to come south of the wall.
As they begin to board the ships, the dogs start to bark and….
7. The White Walkers are here!
It’s episode eight of season five and we’ve basically been waiting for this exact moment since the first five minutes of the television show way back in season one.
This is how the show began, this is why Nedd Stark beheaded the guy fleeing South. This is why winter has been coming forever.
The white walkers have been off the show so far this season and then they just emerge out of nowhere.
And if your heart wasn’t beating like crazy for the rest of the show, you aren’t human.
It was “The Walking Dead,” meets “Game of Thrones,” which is the exact same pitch that thousands of people have been making in actual Hollywood pitch meetings for the last five years.
8. As the white walkers and their zombie minions attack, everyone panics.
Except, of course, for Jon Snow who is trying to make sure everyone stands in line to board the boats. Yep, a supernatural zombie army attacks and Jon Snow’s walking around like everyone is in line for Space Mountain.
Then Snow and Tormund, the greastest WWE tag team partnership that we’ll never see in the ring together, elect to run back to the battle to try and protect everyone from the zombie attackers.
Because when an army of supernatural zombies attack, the best thing to do is run towards them.
Also, was anyone else thinking the giant was going to become a white walker? Just what we need to make them even more terrifying, a literal giant white walker.
9. Snow finds himself in a duel with a white walker.
Only, the dragon glass that Sam gave him is missing!
So Snow is getting his ass kicked — after the guy with weird hair is killed — and as the white walker goes for the killer blow, Snow lifts his sword to block his supernatural sword and — lo and behold:
It’s valyrian steel, bitches!
So Snow blocks the white walker’s sword strike and stands up and vanquishes the white walker with one mighty swing of his sword.
(Aside, Lady Brionne and Tommen are the only two other characters with swords made of Valryian steel, right? So we’re either going to need a lot more dragon glass or Jon Snow and Lady Brionne are going to have to vanquish the entire army all by themselves.)
10. White Walker Army facts/guesses.
This is me attempting to make sense of the episode based on what I saw.
a. it doesn’t appear you can kill the zombies, but it does appear that regular people can knock them down with regular swords.
b. There’s a caste system here, the actual white walkers are at a higher level than the zombie army.
c. the highest level of all is occupied by the four white walkers on horses. How incredible was that shot of them on the top of the mountain looking down?
d. the White Walkers and their army can’t cross water. (Which makes me think they will wait for the water to freeze and then march South).
Oh, and that German chick from Pitch Perfect got killed by those terrifying zombie kids. How scary were those zombie kids? And how much money did this episode cost HBO? This episode alone is way better than most movies.
11. The final scene is fucking badass.
As the head white walker — who is he and how did he attain this rank? — slowly raises his arms to lift all the zombie dead and also add to his army with the newly deceased wildlings, Jon Snow is on the final boat filled with the slowest rowers ever.
Seriously, how about the giant give him a pull here? There’s an army of white walkers behind them, and the giant can’t even help them out at all? What a jerk. He could at least give them his hand and drag them along so they aren’t moving in super slow motion.
How about the wildlings still fighting on the shore too? Give up the fight, bros. Jump in the water and start swimming. Wouldn’t you rather freeze to death than turn into a zombie? Also, no one climbs on the giant’s shoulders? Is the giant swimming the entire way to the wall? He can’t fit on a boat, right? Call me crazy, but the giant doesn’t seem like a very good swimmer.
Anyway, we get this iconic shot of Snow staring down the King White Walker and I cannot wait for the final two episodes of season five.
And then i turned off the television and went on Periscope. Which, honestly, you guys have to download if you haven’t already. We’re going to do immediate post game and post show reactions on Periscope. We had 2500 live viewers for this thing. It was lots of fun too. Thanks for all who hung out and sent in questions.
I’d love to be able to embed that video here, but embedding videos is impossible on Periscope. If one of you is smart enough to take my Periscopes and put them on YouTube, I’d be in debt t you. Just email me the link.
Okay, on to my belated Episode 7 review.
1. Aemon Targaryen dies, but not before telling Gilly, “Get him South before it’s too late.”
Later Sam gets his ass kicked — before being protected by one of the dire wolfs — and then, Barry White music, “SAM GETS IT IN!”
This dude has truly worked harder for a piece of ass than any dude in the history of the kingdom. Everyone else on the show is having sex at the drop of a hat and Sam has to rescue a woman from her batshit crazy raping father, kill a white walker, get the shit kicked out of him on a regular basis, take care of a baby that isn’t his, and he finally makes a sex play.
Good for you, Samwell Tarly.
If Samwell Tarly were the name of a great athlete, tell me how awesome it would be for an entire crowd to simultaneously chant:
2. Sansa, now covered in bruises, appeals to Theon/Reek to help save her from Ramsey’s diabolical sex attacks.
Ramsey’s like the totally bad side of “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
It’s all fun and games until an actual psychopath uses a whip on you.
Theon heads to the castle to put a candle in the window, but Ramsey is already waiting for him there.
The nice old woman gets skinned.
3. Melisandre and her perfect boobs want Stannis to sacrifice his daughter in order to overtake Winterfell.
Of course she does.
You could totally see this coming.
Surely, Stannis will reject this request. You can almost see his brain working: “Do I keep my daughter or do what the lady with the perfect boobs wants?” (You laugh, but this is an actual decision every billionaire ends up making at some point in his life).
4. Tyrion beats his up slaver.
That’s all well and good.
BUT WHERE IS THE COCK MERCHANT? AND WHY DO YOU TEASE US WITH THE VALUE OF DWARF COCK AND THEN FAIL TO DELIVER?
Here’s the deal, slave traders are generally bad guys and probably not very trustworthy. But they are the ultimate capitalists. And if Tyrion’s dwarf cock is valuable, how do you not assess that value? I’m just so disgusted with Mr. Eko right now.
5. Daenerys has sex and we still don’t see her boobs.
Look, this is not “Mad Men” or “The Americans,” side boob isn’t going to cut it on an HBO show soaked in sex and violence.
Daenerys was fully nude the first time we saw her on the show and she gave birth to the dragons while nude.
Suddenly she won’t get naked any more on the show? So now we just see her lover’s ass all the time. This is show malpractice. You can’t get naked when your character is being defined and then decide you don’t want to get naked anymore.
That should be one of the ten commandments. God totally blew it leaving this one off.
11. Once thou is naked on TV, thoust is forever naked on TV.
Anyway, Daenerys’s boy toy suggests she marry him and then says, “All rulers are either butchers or meat.”
Which is a great line.
6. Grandma Tyrell and the High Sparrow have an old people fight.
As they’re talking, I’m thinking; “This would be so Game of Thrones if they both tossed off their robes and just had nasty sex right there in the temple.”
You know the High Sparrow is into some weird shit, right? General rule: the more publicly conservative you are about other people’s sex lives, the freakier your own desires are.
Anyway, Grandma Tyrell wants her grandchildren released from prison and the High Sparrow is having none of it.
7. Meanwhile, Tommen is still a huge pussy.
Come on, Tommen!
Do something. Anything. YOUR WIFE IS IN PRISON AND YOU ASKED MOMMY FOR HELP.
Cersei promises to help get Margaery released. And while you can hate Cersei, unlike Joffrey or Ramsey, she has at least one redeeming quality — she loves her children.
8. Bronn is in jail across the hall from the Sand Snakes.
Leading to the hottest jail boob scene ever.
I’m fanning myself while I write this.
A cocky Bronn is throwing game until the Sand Snake asks if she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Bronn refuses to acknowledge that she is the hottest woman in the world so the sand snake strips down naked for him.
As she does so, Bronn crumples to the ground. And I’m thinking, “Her boobs are so perfect, they killed him!”
But it turns out she had poison on her weapons.
She spares Bronn, tossing him an antidote vial. Then she covers up her boobs.
I move for the sand snake to replace Daenerys.
9. Grandma Tyrell and Baelish are together in the defaced whorehouse.
Grandma Tyrell says, “Together, we murdered a king,” so we have confirmation that it was them who conspired to kill Joffrey.
But what is Baelish working on now?
10. Jorah sees Daenerys at the fight, walks out and instead of killing the other man, injures them.
This pleases Daenerys, who is not a fan of violence or gratuitous nudity.
When Jorah takes off his mask, Daenerys is shocked to see him and commands that he be removed from in front of her.
But Tyrion comes sprinting out to meet the queen.
11. Cersei visits Margaery in prison, bringing her leftovers from last night’s dinner.
Margaery isn’t looking good and she screams at Cersei, “Get out you hateful bitch.”
Cersei leaves, a smug smile on her face.
The former Lannister — now sparrow acolyte — has informed on Cersei and she is taken to prison as well.
“Look at my face, it’s the last thing you’ll see before you die,” Cersei says, evidently forgetting that her son, the king, is a huge pussy.