Game of Thrones Season Five, Episode 4

Things started to get a bit wild in episode four of season five. 

It's about time because the past couple of episodes had been building to this early season crescendo. Without further ado, here we go. 

In case you're just catching up, here are Outkick's Game of Thrones episode reviews. (My reviews are guaranteed to get as much wrong as they get right). 

Game of Thrones season 5 episode 1 review

Game of Thrones season 5 episode 2 review

Game of Thrones season 5 episode 3 review

Here we go with our weekly Starting 11. 

1. Jorah throws Tyrion in a boat and starts rowing.

But where's he headed? All we know from last episode is that he intends to take Tyrion to the queen. But which queen? 

It takes us a bit into the episode before we realize that Jorah has kidnapped Tyrion and intends to take him to Queen Daenerys. So despite the kidnapping Tyrion has the same destination as when he was traveling with Varys. This amuses Tyrion to no end. 

Proving that when he's not drinking Tyrion is adept at deciphering any situation, Tyrion expertly analyzes Jorah's motivations, leading to a slap in the face.  

2. Jaime and Bronn are en route to Dorne to rescue Jaime's daughter/niece. 

Bronn, who one of you on Twitter called the most Clay Travis-like character in "Game of Thrones," delivers one of the best lines of the episode when he says, "Your niece?" as Jaime discusses why he wants to rescue his daughter. Later Jaime says he hopes to die in the arms of the woman he loves and Bronn asks whether the woman wants that too.  

The two men are sneaking into Dorne via a small boat off a merchant ship, although Bronn points out that the captain might well sell the information about Jaime Lannister coming to the kingdom. Jaime says he's already paid the captain, but Bronn has his doubts about the captain's loyalty.  

3. Cersei makes her move.

We knew it was coming after the humiliations foisted upon her by Queen Margaery, but Cersei empowers the sparrows to enforce public morality. Meaning the sparrows are basically the Taliban of "Game of Thrones." 

The Sparrows raid Baelish's whorehouse -- I reinforce my demand that Baelish's whorehouse needs to be its own show on HBO -- and also arrest Margaery's brother. An infuriated Margaery demands that King Tommen get her brother out of jail. 

Cersie vs. Margaery looks like it's going to be a much better fight than Mayweather vs. Pacquiao. 

4. King Tommen backs down when the Sparrows block his path to the High Sparrow.

A weakened Tommen returns to tell his queen that he couldn't see the high sparrow. This decision to back down effectively cedes control of King's Landing to the Sparrows. It also sets off an intriguing power dynamic, who will fill the power vacuum in King's Landing?

I'm totally assuming the answer will be Margaery because I'm convinced if she withholds sex from Tommen he will do anything she asks.

So get to it Margaery, time to spend episode five entirely naked making demands of Tommen.  

5. Jon Snow refuses the advances of Melisandre, becoming the first man to touch her perfect breasts and recoil from them.

He also announces that he's still in love with Ygritte, the wildling girl who died in his arms. 

Snow, the moral center of the entire show -- indeed the only person aside from Daenerys with a strong sense of decency at all -- even requests additional troops from Lord Bolton, the man who murdered his brother and step-mother.

But I feel like trouble may be brewing here -- Snow confesses his love for Ygritte to Melisandra, who you'll recall, has some power over life and death. Now that she knows Snow's love for Ygritte -- which may well be his only weakness -- could she be able to get him to do her bidding if she brings back Ygritte from the dead? (Remember, I haven't read the books so I'm judging everything entirely based on what we see on the show. But this seems like a potential avenue to guarantee Snow's loyalty to Stannis).  

6. Stannis explains how much he loves his daughter.

It's a touching scene that almost makes you forget that, you know, Stannis murdered his brother via a smoke monster that emerged from Melisandre's vagina. 

In general, Stannis remains at war with the two primary advisers in his life -- Melisandre and Davos. The latter hasn't been featured much this season, but he represents the better angel of Stannis's personality. It's no surprise, therefore, that Davos and Stannis's daughter are so close because they both represent the good and decent side of would-be King Stannis. But Melisandre has great boobs and power over life and death. 

So who will prevail? 

7. Lyanna Stark is definitely Jon Snow's mother.

Last week I floated the reader theory that Lyanna was Snow's mother and that perhaps Robert Baratheon was Snow's father. I was deluged with emails from you guys telling me that the far more likely scenario was that Rhaegar Targaryen was Snow's father and that Ned Stark found his dying sister with the baby and agreed to claim his as his own rather than confess who the real father and mother were.

Here's the one issue with this theory -- why is Jon Snow's hair so dark black? Targaryen's tend to have light blond, almost white, hair. If Snow was half Targaryen and half Stark, wouldn't he have blonde hair? Also, recall the significance of Robert Baratheon's dark hair. All of his bastards -- and none of his "heirs" by Cersei -- have dark hair.

So it seems clear at this point that Lyanna is Jon Snow's mother, but are we absolutely certain who his father is yet?

I don't think so.  

8. Peter Baelish kisses Sansa and says, "The north will be yours."

As we await Stannis's march on Winterfell -- which must happen soon -- the question arises, will Sansa marry Ramsey Bolton before the north is conquered or not? And what does Baelish have planned? Is he still working in concert with Varys or not? He's effectively got Robin in his control in the Eyrie and he could have Sansa in Winterfell.

What's his end game? 

Moreover, since winter is coming, where the hell are the white walkers? What have they been doing all of this time?

9. Jaime catches a sword with his metal hand and kills a man with the sword in his left hand.

What a finishing move.

As long as the legend of this finishing move doesn't spread too far too fast in the seven kingdoms, Jaime is going to be killing people like crazy. 

Meanwhile, Bronn is killing three of the Dorne guards by himself.

Underrated humor here -- Jaime being unable to row or dig the graves of the men they kill so Bronn has to do it by himself. In fact, ever since he lost his hand Jaime Lannister has become one of the best characters on the show. (Except for last season when he raped Cersei beside their dead son's body).

10. The captain sells out Jaime and the sand snakes plot a war. 

I can't figure out what exactly is going on with these sand snakes, but they seem really mean. 

And how about that ending for the captain? Buried up to his neck in the sand and then taking a spear to the head? Should have kept the gold and not tried to add to his stash. 

11. The Sons of the Harpy battle the Unsullied.

And, man, the unsullied mostly get their asses kicked. These are trained mercenary warriors whose only purpose in life is to fight to th death on command and they can't defeat random dudes in gold masks? So they've got no working genitals and they aren't even that good of fighters? This is the worst mercenary army ever. 

Barristan, the adviser to Danerys with the white beard whose name you never learned either, arrives just as the unsullied are about to be wiped out and slays several of the sons of the harpy before the one unsullied we know, the one that Missandei wants to sleep with, kills the final harpy and then collapses alongside him. 

Maybe Daenerys could just let the fights start again?

Just an idea.