Game of Thrones Season Five Episode 1

I'm going to be honest with y'all -- I'm more excited for season five of "Game of Thrones" than I am for the upcoming NBA or NHL playoffs. And I absolutely love the NBA playoffs. That's how pumped I am for GOT to be back. 

By the time that beautifully hypnotic music begins, it feels just like kickoff of a big college football game. 

For those of you who are new to what we do here -- I write a Game of Thrones column every Monday morning after the show airs. This column is filled with spoilers because, you know, I'm writing about the episode that just aired last night. So no complaints about spoilers. If you click on this column and read it, that's on you. The only promise I make is that I won't try and get too confused by what's going on. But, inevitably, I will fail and end up looking like an idiot at some point during the season.  

We write it Starting 11 style, just like we do every Monday during the college football season. 

So without further ado, here we go with the "Game of Thrones" Starting 11. 

1. Our kids won't go to sleep.

We have a seven, a four and a six month old. All boys. The six month old is an angel, the other two boys are not angels. Given that "Game of Thrones" starts at eight central time, it's right at their bedtime. So we're trying to get them to sleep so we can sit down and watch the show. 

But this is a disaster. 

Because every single person who has kids knows that bedtime is pure unremitting hell.

As the music is playing our four year old comes sprinting into the den. You know how it is when your kid comes sprinting in during GOT. You have no idea what he might see that will scar him for the next couple of years.

Our four year old stands right in front of the television, "Why is the "Superman" music playing?" he asks.

This is a vintage four year old, convinced you're trying to get him to sleep so you can watch his favorite movie without him.  

2. We begin with a flashback.

Cersei is told her fortune as a young girl. It includes that she'll lose her queenship to a more beautiful queen -- Margaery Tyrell anyone? -- and that her husband, the king who she will conspire to kill one day -- will have twenty heirs, but Cersei will have three, none by her husband.

Which reminds me, are we ever going to see the king's only surviving heir who left in a row boat so long ago? Is he still rowing? Will he ever reach the shore? Given how long Arya Stark has been traveling, I fully expect the last surviving true heir of the Baratheons to spend this entire season in a row boat.  

3. Tywin Lannister is dead. 

This will be the last time we ever see him, prostrate on a stone bench. 

I'm going to miss the Nick Saban of the show, who gave up the ghost after being executed by his dwarf son. What a way to go. 

By the way, have we ever figured out how actors get paid on Game of Thrones? How nervous would you be to read the scripts, especially now that the show is varying quite a bit from the books. You don't even have any warning that you might be killed at any moment. 

4. Speaking of which, one of the unsullied gets his throat slit while he's being cuddled and sung to by a topless prostitute.

Up until the murder this is definitely the sweetest thing that's ever happened in a "Game of Thrones" brothel.

And how about Missandhei still trying to figure out whether the unsullied have genitals? Stay thirsty, my friend.  

5. The first episode of a new "Game of Thrones" always feels like the first day back at school after the summer.

Everything is kind of familiar, but everything is off too. 

I'm the worst at remembering things from the show too. I'm always upsetting my wife by asking her questions about basic plot elements. "Now the Starks, who are they again? This Iron Throne they keep talking about, what is it?"

6. Robin sword fights like you would expect Robin to sword fight. 

This is the sword fight equivalent of when I tried to learn out how to ski. 

After ensuring that Robin will be safe learning how to fight, Lord Baelish and Sansa Stark drive off in a carriage bound for destinations unknown. 

7. There are lots of naked male asses in this episode.

As somewhat of an expert on naked male asses, I feel confident in saying this is a high water mark on asses. The male ass has become the GOT equivalent of a topless woman. 

But we haven't really had a hot sex scene in GOT in a while now.

We need a steamy sex scene soon to help balance out all the death.  

8. Varys has shipped Tyrion in a crate to a safe place.  

And now we see Varys plan, he wants Tyrion to unite with Daenerys Targaryen and rule the seven kingdoms. He believes Tyrion has great leadership acumen. Tyrion, who has been drinking since he killed his father and the woman he loved, points out these character flaws.   

"I never said you were perfect," Varys responds. 

9. "A dragon queen without dragons is not a queen."

The dragons are huge now, but Daenerys can't control them.

Uh oh. 

The only possible place this can be heading on Game of Thrones is the dragons escape, fly straight to a brothel, and incinerate everyone inside in the midst of a massive orgy. 

10.  Manse Rayder refuses to kneel and so is burned at the stake.

But Jon Snow pulls a Daniel Day-Lewis from "Last of the Mohicans" and shoots Rayder as he burns. 

Question for you guys, do you think George R.R. Martin came up with shooting him at the stake as he burns on his own, or do you think he saw it in "Last of the Mohicans?" What a great ending that was. 

And if you think anyone is ever going to beat Daniel Day-Lewis saying, "You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you," you're wrong. This is the greatest dialogue in movie history. 

11. As one of you pointed out on Twitter, Stannis Baratheon's daughter is there watching Rayder burn at the stake.

Making this is the worst take your daughter to work day ever.