Joe Kinsey
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Florida woman Theresa Stanley, 36, was arrested August 31 for theft and indecent exposure at the Lion’s Den Adult Superstore, a 3.5 star Google Review establishment, in Fort Pierce. Cops allege Theresa got naked and took a “pink-colored” sex toy for a test drive right there in the store.
It’s Florida and all, but the state has some decency laws and believe it or not, but in Florida, you can’t just start taking sex toys for a test spin. According to the complaint, Ms. Stanley “removed a sex toy from the packaging” and made her way to a stock room where a worker caught her “sitting in an office chair with her feet up on the table.”
A Fort Pierce cop caught her in the act and Theresa “stopped making use of the sex toy and dropped it on the ground.” The arrest report, which lists Theresa’s likely fake phone number as (777)777-7777, states the value of the stolen property is $45.98.
One thing I always analyze in these arrest reports is the time of day the incident took place. In Theresa’s case, the cranking (allegedly) occurred at 7:20 on a Monday night. While most people are finishing off dinner after another brutal Monday at work, Theresa’s in the Lion’s Den crankin’ away. She didn’t even make it to the car or a trap house to get down to business. Theresa was clearly in need to bust loose.
My advice: I need Theresa to get a nap. I’m talking at least 12 hours for a full seven days. Head over to the Fort Pierce Costco, get herself a nice feather pillow — pretty sure they come in two-packs so she’ll have one for snuggling — and a pack of the 680 thread count Kirkland sheets. Get into bed, meditate, turn on the Texans-Chiefs game, feel the comfort of those Kirkland sheets, and hit the reset button on life. She’ll feel like a new woman after a week of this routine.
Remember back when Clay said that in the fall we would be overwhelmed with sports? What does this have to do with sports??
This kind of nonsense is not why I signed up to be a vip. This is tabloid /WaPost bs. What’s going on with the Big 10 and Ohio state, Joe? Any new developments on the “vote”? Ohio State stepping up to the plate to win a national championship this year?
It’s Florida animal thunderdome…
Yeah let’s pass on this type of nonsense Outkick your better than that.
I like the frivolity. Come on guys, why so serious???
I almost thought Florida had gone quiet with everyone back to work. And then, boom! I bet the cop told all the boys down at the station. Which leads me to a question, are product returns allowed at these shops?
I agree with Anton. Lighten up a little. This is classic.
What happened to the toy after? Did they put it back in the case to resell it or did they throw it away? Funny story
Many of your articles make me smile, but this one I spit out my water. Good job.
That’s a high honor, Matthew. Thanks.
Just ewwwwwwwwwwwww….
I thought it was Kato Kaelin. I’m still not convinced that picture is of a woman.