Florida woman Theresa Stanley, 36, was arrested August 31 for theft and indecent exposure at the Lion’s Den Adult Superstore, a 3.5 star Google Review establishment, in Fort Pierce. Cops allege Theresa got naked and took a “pink-colored” sex toy for a test drive right there in the store.
It’s Florida and all, but the state has some decency laws and believe it or not, but in Florida, you can’t just start taking sex toys for a test spin. According to the complaint, Ms. Stanley “removed a sex toy from the packaging” and made her way to a stock room where a worker caught her “sitting in an office chair with her feet up on the table.”
A Fort Pierce cop caught her in the act and Theresa “stopped making use of the sex toy and dropped it on the ground.” The arrest report, which lists Theresa’s likely fake phone number as (777)777-7777, states the value of the stolen property is $45.98.
One thing I always analyze in these arrest reports is the time of day the incident took place. In Theresa’s case, the cranking (allegedly) occurred at 7:20 on a Monday night. While most people are finishing off dinner after another brutal Monday at work, Theresa’s in the Lion’s Den crankin’ away. She didn’t even make it to the car or a trap house to get down to business. Theresa was clearly in need to bust loose.
My advice: I need Theresa to get a nap. I’m talking at least 12 hours for a full seven days. Head over to the Fort Pierce Costco, get herself a nice feather pillow — pretty sure they come in two-packs so she’ll have one for snuggling — and a pack of the 680 thread count Kirkland sheets. Get into bed, meditate, turn on the Texans-Chiefs game, feel the comfort of those Kirkland sheets, and hit the reset button on life. She’ll feel like a new woman after a week of this routine.