It’s Friday, your brain is fried from work, from text messages seeking political donations, from phone calls coming in from weird towns in Nowhere U.S.A. and you just want a moment to laugh. I know you guys pretty well at this point. What you need is a tall frosted glass of Florida Man paying $150 for a “full-contact experience” with a black leopard behind a Davie, Florida house.
Dwight Turner told Local 10 News he paid the $150 to get extra close to the leopard and “play with it, rub its belly and take pictures.” The problem? The black leopard gave Dwight bonus action and left the victim’s scalp “hanging from his head and his right ear was torn in half.”
From what I can see in the Local 10 report, it sounds like Turner’s laying the groundwork for a future lawsuit against the leopard owner, Michael Poggi, who has a YouTube page that puts off Tiger King vibes. It appears Poggi’s big business is selling monkeys, but it turns out he has a black leopard out back for people who want to get real crazy.
Look, here’s the deal with what went down in Poggi’s yard: it was a prostitution deal. Turner pays for the emotional sex he needs, and Poggi pimps out his black leopard. The leopard got a little crazy and nearly ripped off Turner’s head. At least that will heal, and he can go on with life. It’s not like the leopard gave him HIV. Turner has to chalk this up to a learning experience. Maybe go volunteer at the local SPCA to pet the house cats. Find the one that likes belly rubs.
I get that Turner would expect Poggi not to walk him into an experience that could go sideways, but how is Poggi supposed to know the leopard would be triggered? My dad had a cat that liked to go sideways. You’d pet her belly for 10 seconds. Pure joy for the cat and then…BOOM…the damn thing would transform into a devil. It would hiss and look like it was going to rip off my scalp, though it never actually did it. I guess you could say I got lucky.
Lesson learned, Dwight. Hope the head heals.