Five Woke Celebrities. Five Perfect Christmas Gifts

The last 12 months showed the woke mind virus, to quote a certain Twitter CEO, has its limits.

Netflix ignored the braying mob and stuck by both Ricky Gervais and Dave Chappelle for daring to tell jokes their way on their terms. 

The platform’s “Wednesday” series became a late-year smash, ignoring cries that it treated its black characters in a problematic fashion.

And Joe Rogan lived to podcast another day despite furious attacks on his Spotify showcase, led by once-rebellious souls like Neil Young.

Still, woke celebrities kept right on virtual signaling, eager to enhance their social credit scores within the Hollywood ecosystem. The following five stars did just that, and we’ve got the perfect Christmas gifts for their stockings.

Howard Stern

The King of All Media became a woke scold this year, a shocking turn of events for anyone who heard the shock jock’s early broadcasts. Stern declared his love for MSNBC, kept cloistered in his swanky Hamptons abode for fear of catching COVID-19 and only snuck out when given the chance to hobnob with fellow wokesters like Jimmy Kimmel and Bruce Springsteen.

Stern even attacked Oprah Winfrey for daring to show fans a snippet of her extravagant wealth.

What better stocking stuffer than an eBay version of “Crucified by the FCC.” That’s Stern’s own product, a collection of his bits pre-1991, the glory years of his radio program. It might remind him he used to speak truth to power, defend free speech and embrace capitalism, warts and all.

Anne Hathaway

The Oscar winner embraced the woke mindset early, like when she apologized for playing a villain with less than traditional limbs in the 2020 movie “The Witches.” This year, the actress called abortion “another word for mercy” and promoted her bomb “Armageddon Time” by telling the press she feared tackling the role of a Jewish woman because she isn’t Jewish.

“And I hoped I would be graced from an audience the ability to play this part even though I was not born a Jewish woman.

Let’s put a copy of Michael Caine – “Acting in Film: An Actor's Take on Movie Making - The BBC Master Class” under her tree. Even Oscar winners can use a reminder about their craft.

Jane Fonda

The 85-year-old is as busy as ever and as woke as ever. She’s co-starring in the sports-themed “80 for Brady” in the new year and she’s constantly appearing at (flying via private jet?) to various Climate Change confabs.

Just weeks ago she blamed racism and sexism for the eco-scourge, but she’s not giving up hope despite her privilege.

“I think especially for those of us who have such privilege — white privilege, education privilege, the fact that we live in democratic countries or countries that are striving to be democratic and fairly affluent — we have a moral obligation to be hopeful.”

Fonda could use a large bin, like the kind you see outside homes under construction, where she can put all of her excess wealth and furnishings to be evenly distributed to the less fortunate. 

NEW YORK, NY - MAY 15: TV Personality Jimmy Kimmel attends during 2018 Disney, ABC, Freeform Upfront at Tavern On The Green on May 15, 2018 in New York City. (Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images)

Jimmy Kimmel

The former “Man Show” host now sings from the progressive hymnal five nights a week courtesy of ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” This year, he groveled for forgiveness after his Emmy night comedy bit backfired, and he bragged that he risked his ABC showcase in order to keep telling Trump jokes his way.

And he’s oh, so mad that Elon Musk is giving conservatives the chance to be heard on Twitter these days. He is woke.

Kimmel could use a case of Mangria, the alcoholic beverage created by his old “Man Show” partner, Adam Carolla, who hasn’t forgotten about his XY chromosomes.

Chelsea Handler

The foul-mouthed comic has had a change of heart in recent years. She loathes her white privilege, thinks straight white males are the best (and maybe only?) target worth mocking and regrets her early, bawdy days.

Remember, "Are You There, Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea?"

Let’s put a Blu-ray copy of the 1974 film “Lenny” under Handler’s woke tree.

Dustin Hoffman earned an Oscar-nomination for playing the comic who sacrificed everything for the right to offend. Might remind Handler why she became famous in the first place.