Guys, I am fired up. FIRED. UP.
No, they didn’t just announce that football season starts early this year. EVEN BETTER.
The new cast of The Bachelorette has just been released, and I’m like a kid in a candy store looking at all these guys and making snap judgments like it’s my job (except it kind of is my job.)
For anyone who doesn’t know, I am obsessed with The Bachelor franchise. Yes, I know it has undergone a lot of scrutiny over the past few years, and understandably so. I understand it’s flawed and unrealistic and pretty freaking weird and probably really misogynistic, but you know what? It brings me joy to pick apart other people’s love lives at the end of a long day, ok? It makes me giddy to watch these guys make fools out of themselves exiting the limo on that first night. It gives me purpose in life to waste large amounts of time texting heatedly with my friends about who is going to win this stupid competition. This is my toxic character trait, and honestly, I’m fine with it.
Okay, enough of the small talk. Let’s get to the goods here. To start, here’s a quick rundown of The Bachelorette herself, Katie Thurston:
Katie, 30, made her TV debut a few months ago on Matt James’ season of The Bachelor and turned heads when she arrived to meet Matt while waving her gigantic purple vibrator around in his face. Apparently, bringing sex toys to a first date is all it takes to make America fall in love with you, because Bachelor Nation quickly made her a fan favorite. She also gained a reputation for being “real” and trying to quell the girl drama in the house, which also gained her popularity amongst viewers. Honestly, I was never a fan of hers and didn’t think she was anything special, and I thought plenty of other past contestants would’ve been a better pick.
Anywho, after I heard the disappointing and underwhelming news of Katie being crowned Bachelorette, I picked my chin up and decided to just fully focus my sights on her suitors in order to get me excited. There are a lot of these guys, but I figured we should all ease into this. So I just highlighted a few. Let’s get right to it, shall we?
Karl, 34, Motivational Speaker from Miami, FL
I categorically do not want to date a motivational speaker. Listen, Karl, when I’m upset, do not try to tell me ways to pull myself up by my bootstraps. No, Karl, I need you to just sit there and vigorously agree with me that my friend IS selfish; that my boss IS a jerk; that my Instagram post SHOULD HAVE gotten way more likes than it did. I just need some commiseration and some time to wallow in my misery, is that so much to ask, Karl??? Lastly, Karl says his idea of a good date is taking a woman jet skiing then reading her a poem he wrote himself. Karl… I need to give you a motivational speech now: be better.
Landon, 25, Basketball Coach from Dallas, TX
Landon makes me nervous, guys. He seems too smooth. He had a very successful collegiate basketball career, got his master’s in global biz, has great hair, and he unbuttons his shirts just a wee bit too far. Put your guard up, Katie. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, girl. The ONLY—and I repeat, ONLY—reason I’m going to remain open to Landon is because he says he is a “proud and loyal Belieber” and I am too, and I innately and blindly trust people who are as obsessed with Justin Bieber as I am. I’ve been burned by it in the past, but I never change.
Michael, 36, Business Owner from Akron, OH
“Business owner.” No one knows how to feel about this, Michael. What kind of business is it? Do you own a Jack-In-The Box? A tanning salon? A lemonade stand? The only reason I’m going to give this guy a pass is because his bio says he loves ’90s R&B and rap music, so maybe there’s hope here.
Cody, 27, Zipper Sales Manager from San Diego, CA
A zipper sales manager? I’m not knocking this—I’m sure it’s a very lucrative career. I mean, where would society be without zippers, right? I just don’t know if dinner convo with zipper sales guy is going to be invigorating enough for Katie, you know? Unless they just discuss UNzipping zippers the whole time, because Katie and her vibrator would be into that.
Another concerning thing: when asked to tell a few facts about himself, his first choice was to say he’s “a proud Eagle Scout” and that his favorite TV show is Jersey Shore. And another red flag straight from his bio: “When Cody falls, he falls hard. He is the type of guy who buys flowers for no reason and will surprise you in the morning with breakfast in bed. Sounds like every girl’s dream, right?” No Cody, this actually sounds like a Stage 5 clinger to me. You have to play a little hard to get, bud. Maybe get me a latte or something, but save the pancakes in bed for my birthday, okay?
Brandon, 26, Auto Parts Manager from Queens, NY
His official bio states, “Brandon is quirky, intelligent and unapologetically himself.” Honestly, Brandon might need to start doing *some* apologizing for himself, and fast, regarding this hairstyle choice. His bio continues with, “Brandon attended Northwestern where he says he learned to outgrow behaviors that limit his progress as a person.” I literally have no idea what that means, but one behavior Northwestern did not help him outgrow was opting for bad hairstyles. Lastly, his bio states, “He says he could never be with anyone who would issue him an ultimatum.” To me, it sounds as if someone is very defensive and preemptively predicting that any sane woman would obviously give him an ultimatum if he didn’t change his hair, right? I guess what I’m trying to say here in a roundabout way is, Brandon’s hair is going to be an issue for me this season, and it should be for you, too.
Gabriel, 35, Entrepreneur from Charlotte, NC
Ahhh, and there we have it. Our “entrepreneur” of the season, AKA the mid-thirties guy who has no idea what he’s doing with his life. There’s at least one every season, and ol’ Gabe might take the cake with his bio, which states, “Gabriel loves the expression Renaissance Man and says his current passion project is finding his forever love!” Oh, Gabe. Sweet, naïve Gabe. Women will only think it’s cute that a man has a “passion project” if said man also actually has an income. Gabriel also says he “doesn’t understand the concept of athleisure,” and that’s fine, but I feel like I need to explain to him there’s a middle ground between athleisure and male turtlenecks. It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other, Gabe.
Marty, 25, Dancer from Reno, NV
His bio begins, “Marty has big energy, big confidence, and a lot of love to go around”—but I kind of expected it to end with “and a big penis.” Because Marty the Dancer definitely has BDE, right?? (That stands for “Big Dick Energy,” for my mom who is reading this right now.) It also says he “loves to love on and be loved on,” so Marty is definitely DTF. (Mom, I’m not going to tell you what this one stands for. Sorry.) A few issues I have with Marty: his self-proclaimed tagline is “Marty brings the party,” and he explicitly states that he prefers to watch movies “indoors,” which is just a really weird and unnecessary thing to be explicitly insistent about.
Jeff, 31, Surgical Skin Salesman from Jersey City, NJ
There’s just a lot happening here, Jeff. The hair, the deep V, the long chain, the aggressive chest hair, the white-washed jean jacket… I just need some time to digest all of this, Jeff. Also, the first line of his bio states that he finds time to mow his parents’ lawn every single weekend and basically eats only his mom’s home cooked food. Honestly, that’s just not going to go over well with a potential wife, I can tell you that RIGHT now, Jeff.
For the full list of contestants, click HERE.
Who will be watching with me? Should I do recaps each week? Should we make a fantasy league? Should we throw a wrap party at Clay’s house when it’s all over with? Let me know, everyone.