ESPN's Wives of the SEC

This article is completely biased. So let's go ahead and get that shit out of the way. I graduated from Bama and am a 15%-er.  But my God.... as if I could hate other SEC schools any more, I'm greeted last Saturday morning with "Wives of the SEC." Parts of it were endearing.  Other parts made me want to spit out my Miller Lite at 10 A.M. Here's what I gathered about these eclectic women during their 6 or 7 minute segment.

We'll start with the obvious.

Jen Bielema is hot.  And while she talks like only half of her brain is working, this former bank teller/aspiring model clearly hit the jackpot when she met Bret in Las Vegas.  Not because he is in any way attractive, but because she could still be a bank teller in Tampa, FL.  It's always the girls who wear heels with their bikinis who get the guy...

Carol Muschamp.  They let her talk 4 seconds in the entire segment. Probably because that's all the movement her face would allow. I would assume the excessive botox is to prevent the wrinkles she would have acquired during her husband's terrible reign as Gators head coach.

Megan Mullen was by far my favorite coach's wife.  She's pretty, smart, encouraging. Reminded me a lot of what Sean Tuohy's wife is probably like as portrayed in The Blind Side. Mama Mullen is doing it right.

Kathy Miles.  I'm not saying shit about her because she could kill me barehanded.

Jerri Spurier didn't get much talking time either. But was anyone else just amazed that she LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE STEVE?? They could pass for brother and sister.  I guess time does that to a couple.  Nevertheless, I assume she's pretty cool because ole' Steve Cocky is one crazy mother trucker.  And to put up with him since college? She's got some edge to her.

Terry Saban is just a true southern lady.  She's witty.  She's classy.  I think any college program would be happy to call her their football first lady.  She said she helps Nicky "see the lighter side of things." Ha.

Katharyn Richt.  Boring. Just like her husband and Georgia football.

And of course I saved the best for last.

KRISTI MALZAHN.  There's a reason she didn't get any Face Time until 4:38 in.  This woman is a complete psycho.  She's like Carrie Mathison in Homeland.... just has those crazy eyes.  First off, she's super depressing.  If ESPN was looking for a down moment in this segment, she was it.  Boohoo, you don't get to see your husband as much as you would like, but I bet you see plenty of his $3.85 million per year salary.  She sits in a room by herself during games.  I have a feeling this is not by choice.  Also, if Auburn loses she won't go on date night to Waffle House with Gus.  Seriously? I'm getting married next year and she is textbook the wife I don't want to be.