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Gooooooooooood Friday afternoon from a local coffeeshop, where I’m currently working right now because my WiFi is on the DL. Don’t know if it’s a short stint or not, but I do know that it’s forced me to look up Instagram pictures of Elizabeth Hurley in secret because I don’t want people to see me and think I’m a weirdo.
The things I do for you guys.
We’ve made it through another work week, and, unlike Target, we’ve done it with our heads held high. Congrats to everyone!
As is a Friday tradition, we’re going to keep today’s class short. I know we’ve got BBQs to prepare for, beers not named Bud Light to stock up on, and family vacations to mentally prepare for.
That last one may just be me, but whatever. My class, my rules.
We’re going to open up the Nightcaps mailbag today because you folks have been opiniated this week, which I love. I’m talking everything from Salma Hayek slander, to Ms. Rachel (if you know, you know), to Elizabeth Hurley requests.
I know that’s stepping on big brother Screencaps’ toes a bit, but it’s my last Friday before a week off and I mowed last night, so I feel like I’ve earned that.
We’ll also check in with tiny Russell Wilson, big Brian Daboll, and sad Michael Block. Sound like a plan?
Grab a Yuengling to chase down that whiskey shot in the most patriotic way imaginable, and settle in before the bell rings for a three-day weekend.
It’s mail time with Elizabeth Hurley and Ms. Rachel!
I’m skipping town for the next week, so I had to check a couple things off the old to-do list before hitting the road.
As I said, I mowed last night. Will my yard still look like the Amazon when I get back next week? For sure. But at least I’ll be able to still see my house from the road.
I also had to check the mail, and I’m glad I did, because you guys were in a talkative mood this week!
Let’s dive in.
From … well, let’s call him John, because I don’t know that his wife would appreciate this disclosure.
Nice reference in the column today. I have an 18 month old. I know all about Ms. Rachel.
Almost missed out on a little action with the Mrs. a few weeks ago when we were about to get it on and suggested she “put it in, put it in, put it innnnn.”
Yep. Been there before. It’s always a crowd-pleaser. We’re not alone, either.
From New England Chris:
Gotta have The Wire up there for sure. Would also entertain Friday Night Lights as well.
Bonus pick–Scrubs. They nailed the finale (I refuse to acknowledge the final season where Turk/JD were teaching doctors).
If you missed my definitive list of best TV finales from yesterday — read it! If you don’t have time, fine. Your loss. Here it is, though:
- Breaking Bad (duh)
- The Office
- Sons of Anarchy
Friday Night Lights is one of my favorite shows of all time, so you won’t get any pushback from me on that one. Minka Kelly? Come on, son! (Psych reference for you Psychos out there — another great show, by the way).
And finally, Robert chimes in to tell me Salma Hayek does NOT still have her fastball at 56, and instead turns my attention to Elizabeth Hurley.
Salma Hayek is fine if you like short and dumpy. Now Elizabeth Hurley, who is a year older at 57, is without a doubt the hottest babe for her age ever.
Elizabeth is an age-defying wonder of the world. Let’s hear more of Elizabeth on Outback Zach.
BTW great work on the site, always a joy to read.
Short and dumpy! I don’t know, Robert — seems a little harsh to me. You could do a looooooooot worse than Salma Hayek at 56. Like New England Chris, though, I also won’t push back on Elizabeth Hurley.
She’s a Screencaps regular, but I reckon it’s time for her to get a little dirty with the ugly step brother here at Nightcaps, so I’ll oblige and give you all the Elizabeth Hurley your heart desires.
And hey, she turns 58 a week from Sunday. She’s truly the Nolan Ryan of our time.
PS: the bread at Outback is unmatched. Love that stuff.
Skinny Russell Wilson, fat Tua and intolerable Meghan Markle
Yeah — Elizabeth can get some. What a heater for 58.
Now, let’s bring the mood waaaaaaay down with Russell Wilson — the most annoying human on the plant not named Meghan Markle.
Looks like Mr. Unlimited found Mr. Treadmill over the offseason!
That last one made me laugh, but I do think Russ has lost some weight. I also didn’t realize how borderline fat he was last year. Guess those airplane aerobics weren’t cutting it.
Can’t wait to see what Russell Wilson does to annoy me this year. Seriously, what’s next? I swear the first time I hear Let’s ride I’m going to put my fist through a wall.
Speaking of … weight … how about my guy Tua Tagovailoa reporting to duty with a pair of bazookas strapped to his hips?
That’s #MyQB1. We don’t tolerate Tua slander around here, so no, he’s not fat. He’s ready to go to war with the fellas and put on an extra 30 pounds in his legs to make sure he lasts all 17 games.
Don’t know how that helps the noggin, but it can’t hurt, right?
Look at this howitzer! This is all ass, baby.
Speaking of looking good, Meghan Markle’s ex-boss ain’t having any of her nonsense — which is a huge commitment because she’s full of crap these days.
In October, Markle discussed her time as a briefcase model on “Deal or No Deal” on her “Archetypes” podcast with guest Paris Hilton. The Duchess of Sussex said she quit the game show after a year because she was “objectified.”
“I was so much more than what was being objectified on the stage,” Markle said. “I didn’t like feeling forced to be all looks and little substance.”
The production company’s chief content officer Lucas Green was asked by Variety if he agrees with Markle’s comments that the show’s briefcase models were “objectified bimbos.”
Green told the outlet, “No, but we are constantly evolving the format so that it isn’t the same show it was 15 plus years ago.”
Yeah, OK, Meghan. Sure. Tell us whatever you want, but don’t sit there and act like you gave a damn about people fawning over you on Deal or No Deal back in 2006. Stop.
Michael Block had a ROUGH start to the Charles Schwab
OK, we’ve opened the mailbag, given you Elizabeth Hurly heaters, addressed fat Tua and skinny Russ and made fun of Meghan Markle.
Feel like it’s time to head into the weekend by emptying the tank from a long week.
Let’s start with a loooooooong day for America’s Man — Michael Block.
After stealing our hearts last week at the PGA, Blockie scored an invite to the Charles Schwab Challenge.
It did NOT go well.
Sort of saw this coming, right? Feel like Blockie was playing with fire after last weekend and it’s bit him in the butt. After his run at the PGA, I would’ve retired from the game forever. No need to push your luck anymore after that.
But that’s golf for you. Sometimes you go on a heater and sink aces at a major, sometimes you put up a scorecard full of nasty-colored boxes.
I’d still KILL for a card like that, though. I’m a big believer in bogey golf. I’m usually pretty good at it for the first few holes and then the wheels come off and the clubs go flying.
Brian Daboll takes us into the weekend
You know who I can guarantee would be incredible to play a round with? Giants coach Brian Daboll — a true man’s man.
This little diddy came across my Facebook feed today, and I’m sure it’s old news but you all know the rule: if I see it for the first time, it’s brand spanking new.
No shot Daboll drinks Bud Light. He’s a Yuengling man if I’ve ever seen one. Definitely shops at Walmart, too.
And he definitely would’ve been able to reel this bad boy in, too.
That right there is an Alligator Gar, which the OutKick research department tells me is one of the largest freshwater fish in the country.
Apparently, it’s also covered with “bone-like” scales and filled with razor-sharp teeth.
Sounds fun! Not as much fun as Irene here, though.
Stop torturing wild animals for fun maybe. It’s 2023— Irene Tosetti, MD MBA MPH (@itosettiMD_MBA) May 23, 2023
Definitely shops at Target.
Let’s go have a damn weekend. While we’re all crushing Yuenglings and burgers, let’s also take a moment to remember those who died so we could enjoy this great freaking country.
See everyone in June.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Is Elizabeth Hurley the modern-day Nolan Ryan? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.