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TGIF! We made it, y’all.
I sincerely hope you’re having a better week than the President of the United States. But we’ll get to that later.
Thank you to everyone who responded to yesterday’s Nightcaps about song covers that are better than the originals. I got so many great responses that I’m actually going to put together a playlist. I’ll share it with you on Tuesday, if you’re interested.
Meanwhile, let’s get into our Friday Nightcaps, shall we?
I already know you’re not working anyway.
So kick on back, pour yourself a cold brew in a frosty mug and let’s get rolling.
Charles Barkley Says Dudes Don’t FaceTime
If you’re trying to get a hold of Charles Barkley, shoot him a text, write him an email, give him a call, send a carrier pigeon or tap it out in Morse code. But — whatever you do — don’t FaceTime him.
Unless you’re a woman, that is.
During Thursday’s show on NBATV, Chuck criticized his co-hosts for video calling him.
“Dudes don’t FaceTime each other,” Barkley said. “That’s inappropriate.”
I’m going to defend Barkley on this one, and it’s not just a guy thing. I don’t know if I’d use Chuck’s word and say it’s “inappropriate,” but it’s certainly unnecessary.
Please don’t FaceTime me. Ever.
Mostly because, if I’m not in public, I’m absolutely at home looking like a goblin and not trying to show anyone my face.
But honestly, I don’t even want you to call me.
Three people I will answer the phone for anytime, anywhere: my mom, my dad and my husband.
The rest of y’all better make an appointment. And even then, ask yourself: “Could this phone call be a text message?”
Man, I sound like such a grump. I promise I’m not antisocial. I’d just rather do my socializing in person over a beer and not sitting on my couch staring at you through a phone.
But since I’m already being a jerk today, let’s talk about Disney.
Woman Has Panic Attack on Splash Mountain
Last week, a woman had a panic attack and jumped off the iconic log flume ride.
Probably because of all the racism and stuff.
Fellow park attendees caught her on video exiting the ride.
The most surprising part of this story for me, though, was the fact that Splash Mountain was still open. I thought they closed it months ago to remove all references to the 1946 film “Song of the South.”
For the record, I don’t care about this at all. Change it to whatever you want. I rode Splash Mountain as a child, but I have no emotional ties to the theme park ride.
In fact, I don’t know why anyone would. Which brings me to the actual point of this particular section of Nightcaps.
Disney adults — of all God’s diverse creatures — I understand you the least.
I cannot understand why grown people without kids would spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to go to a children’s theme park, wait in line to ride rides that have been the exact same since the 1970s, eat sub-par park food, and stay in a hellaciously overpriced resort full of screaming children and exhausted parents and call it a vacation.
And did I mention it’s really expensive?
Don’t get me wrong: I have been known to throw down some cash on vacation. I take my vacationing very seriously.
But I know people (who shall remain nameless, but they know who they are) who take a Disney vacation every single year, go to the exact same parks and spend close to $10,000 on the exact same experience.
Every single year.
“But you can drink around the world at Epcot!”
Sweetheart, you can spend the same amount of money to drink around the actual world. And the lines aren’t as long.
Whatever makes you happy, though, weirdos. Catch me sippin’ a margarita beachside.
That pineapple Dole whip thing they have at Disney is really delicious, though.
Here’s a slightly more adult version.
Probably going to make one as soon as I get done writing this.
Please Don’t Wrestle the Bears
Because you will probably lose.
But apparently people in Salem, Mo., are willing to give it a try.
There’s a black bear on the loose in Salem, and the police department had to put out a warning on Facebook for citizens please not to wrestle it.
“Please do not wrestle the bear if you come in contact,” SPD said. “Bear wrestling is illegal in the state of Missouri per statute 578.176.”
The post then goes on to list any and all bear-wrestling-related things that will incur a penalty, including advertising bear wrestling, collecting an admission fee for bear wrestling, possessing a bear that will be used for bear wrestling and training a bear for bear wrestling.
OK, No-Fun-Police! We get it.
What if you just want to give the furry guy a big hug?
From the depths of my memory, this story actually reminded me of an old Bill Engvall bit about warning labels.
Because behind every ridiculous warning label is some moron who actually tried it.
For example, my niece once had a stroller with a label that read, “Remove child before folding.” I always thought that was hilarious.
Anyway, here’s a blast from the past:
Students Perfectly Execute Wholesome Senior Prank
Seniors at St. Andrews school in Middletown, Del., snuck into their principal’s house in the middle of the night as a senior prank.
And unlike when the seniors at Fairmount High broke into Principal Moss’ house (one million cool points to anyone who gets that reference), this high school principal was actually home.
Joy McGrath woke up in the morning to find all of her students camped out in her living room and kitchen.
Here’s the moment she realized what happened:
A couple things here:
Who walks around the house in Crocs?
And Principal McGrath really needs to invest in a home security system.
I’m glad she loved the prank and everyone had fun. But if 70 people can sneak into your home in the middle of the night without your knowledge, you have bigger problems than a senior prank.
For the record, I would not recommend anyone breaking into my home at 1 a.m.
But while we’re on the topic of senior pranks. Let’s talk about the senior in charge of the free world.
Joe Biden Takes A Tumble
You know what they say: The greatest threat to our country is white supremacy… and gravity.
I don’t even need to set this up. You know what happened.
Our strong, powerful Commander in Chief fell on stage at the United States Air Force Academy graduation yesterday.
It’s hard to tell exactly what happened, but Team Biden says ol’ Joe is totally fine, and he just tripped over a sandbag.
And before anyone yells at me like, “Hey! You can’t make fun of an old man falling down!”
And Joe even made fun of himself. So as far as I’m concerned, it’s all fair game now.
In the famous words of the great 21st century philosophers, Sum 41, “You don’t know us at all. We laugh when old people fall.”
And boy, did the Internet laugh.
Look, in all seriousness, what’s on full display here is elder abuse.
If this were my grandfather, I’d be horrified. And I’d be pissed that anyone would put him in this position.
But the reality is, it’s not my grandfather. It’s the leader of the free world. A guy the Democrats want to convince you is fit to lead — not only now — but until 2029.
This is wrong. It’s embarrassing. It’s insanity.
And that’s why I don’t feel bad.
But on that note, friends, it is the weekend, and it’s beautiful outside. At least where I am.
Grab yourself some beers on a patio and, unless you’re reading something on OutKick, close that laptop until Monday.
Just keep an eye out for those sandbags. They come out of nowhere!
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.