Don’t Be That Guy at Augusta National

By Cippy Wallace

THAT GUY. Everyone knows THAT GUY. The guy at the party you can count on to creep out any girls you’re trying to hit on, the guy who without fail gets entirely too drunk at the most inappropriate times, the name dropper, the cheap skate, the guy who takes a rivalry too far (lookin’ at you Harvey). As much as THAT GUY drives you insane, deep down there’s a special place in your heart for him. If you don’t know who THAT GUY is in your group of friends, I’m fairly confident in saying that it’s you. Don’t worry, I’m here to help you out. 

America is making its “return to Augusta” this week for a “tradition unlike any other,” and even without Eldrick “in the hunt” it will be just as entertaining as ever. I’m sure most of you are shocked that OKTC’s Bachelor Recapper is writing rules for one of the world’s most treasured sporting events. Well this will be my 18th Sunday spent on the Hallowed Grounds that Bobby built. Yes, 18th. I’ve been #soblessed to grow up with two Sunday badges (thanks Gramps, and no they are not tickets and do not call them that) since I was five. Yea, I’m going to humblebrag the hell out of it. Did this lead to more dates while I was in college in the hopes of getting an invite for that year? Absolutely.

Over the past 17 years I’ve seen some of the most incredible golf ever played. During this run I’ve also been able to take in all of the things that drive us yearly attendees insane. I’m looking at you, over-served frat boy with your collection of cups. So without further ado, here are the top ten things to avoid at all costs if you are lucky enough to attend the Masters…

1. Don’t be the guy that buys one of EVERYTHING in the store and then changes into all of it immediately. Seriously, don’t. Everyone around you knows you are at the Masters, and they don’t need to see the logo on your shirt to tell them. The only time this might be acceptable is if you have a shirt that says Augusta National on the logo, because then you know a member and/or someone got you a souvenir from the pro shop. I still wouldn’t do it though.  

2. Unless you are a member of the golf club featured on your golf shirt, don’t wear it. But with that being said, if you are a creepy THAT GUY this makes for a great opportunity for the girl you’re hitting on to call you out. (Not that we have any prior experience with this scenario… we’re just assuming.)

3. Under no circumstances yell IN THE HOLE on a golfer’s tee shot. Just don’t. We are BEGGING you. Do you realize how idiotic this sounds on a Par 5?  (This might be the reason we are so excited Tiger’s not playing so we don’t have to hear this.)

4. Do not wear jeans and/or cargo shorts. I wish this was something that didn’t have to be said for one of the most historic sporting events in the world, but it does. This is why we can’t have nice things, America.

5. Do not carry around your stack of cups like a trophy. You are not a pledge picking up cups after a football game. Do I save my cups every year? Of course. Do I carry all 8 of them with me each time I go to the concession stand? No. The great thing about Augusta is that everyone leaves each other’s stuff alone, so leave your cups with your chair or check them with all 19 pieces of Masters’ logoed apparel you bought.

6. Do offer your chair to the elderly person standing behind you at a hole. Just do it. You never know who that old man is and it can lead to some great networking opportunities. My friend did this and the next week had an upper level job at a Texas oil company a year after graduation. I wish I was kidding.

7. Don’t tell anyone who will listen all of the fun facts you know about the course. Everyone was given the same booklet when we walked in, or we were there when said event occurred. This is the equivalent of being the name dropper at a party.

8. Don’t dress up like a European golfer. White belts are never okay, and the only reason Justin Rose is wearing one is because he gets paid to. Leave the white belt and plaid pants at home.

9. Don’t yell “War Eagle” or “Go Dawgs” at Dufner and Bubba. They’ve been around for a while now, and we all know where they went to school. I’m not just saying this because I went to Alabama, although Alabama did win the National Championship last year. Just sayin’.

10. Respect the course and everything about it. My love for this place is how I assume I will feel for my children one day. I cried when I found out Augusta National doesn’t do weddings, even for members. Remember how many people would do just about anything to be where you are, so act like it.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.


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