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Before we talk Cavinder twins and twerk at the White House, let me give you a lay of the land.
I’m off base this week. This column is coming to you from the great state of DeSantis. And I couldn’t be happier (or more sunburnt) about it. We’re gonna be Florida-heavy today, so let’s do like the Floridian’s do and stock up on fireworks, grab a Natty Light, crank some Petty and make some questionable decisions.
I know I have.
Before we go forward, I need to circle back to the weekend when Mike Tyson, Donald Trump, Kid Rock and Dana White joined me in the Sunshine State. Just a bunch of alphas (and me) hanging out in the FLA. If you missed it, Florida resident and fellow OutKick staffer Matt Reigle broke it down here and I just can’t get enough.
Has there ever been a cooler walkout moment than Trump making his way to his seat – with Kid Rock beside him – as Rock’s “American Badass” pumped through the arena speakers?
I’ll answer for you.
No. There hasn’t. This is top of the mountain type stuff.
And then, this!
Hell, if I had any desire to move off of my beach chair and put my very non-Bud Light beer down, I’d be putting that picture on a t-shirt, maybe even going the custom blanket route. Then again, I am in Florida. I’m willing to bet I can find someone to airbrush this image onto a Gildan 100% cotton tee on just about any corner.
No doubt Latto had this foursome in mind when she started crooning about big d—energy.
Cavinder Twins Move Away From Hardwood
In other Florida news, the Cavinder twins – Hayley and Hanna – are leaving The U. But they’re not transfering. Following an Elite Eight run and a whole bunch of NIL deals, the girls are apparently hanging up their sneakers. I have no idea what they’re going to do next. But I feel confident that these content goddesses will be just fine.
Don’t cry because it’s over boys, be happy that the Cavinder twins happened.
Speaking of Miami, check out this set up for the Miami Grand Prix. Only $67k? Hell, I’ll take two.
I do have one small complaint with this set up. How loud is this little slice of almost-Paradise going to be? If I spend $67,000 and want to catch some R&R in the cabana, that’s not happening with Formula 1 cars whizzing by at 200 mph.
Scooter Grocery Guy Is Must-See
Listen, I’m going to level with you. I have no idea if what your about to see if from Florida. But, I can confirm it takes place it a Walmart parking lot, so I like to think the chances are better than 50/50. Did you guys see scooter guy loading up numerous bags of groceries? Watch this video. No, really. You have to watch this.
How about the cliffhanger with the watermelon at the end? I was on the edge of my seat wondering how our guy was going to scooter home with that. Incredible performance. But if I’m scooter guy I don’t want this film out there. Imagine all the errands his significant other is going to toss his way after seeing this.
Don’t Waste The Wings!
Not sure if scooter guy had wings in his grocery order, but I’m willing to bet someone as resourceful as him wouldn’t have wasted them in a fight. But that’s exactly what a man from, wait, you guessed it, Florida did over the weekend when he was in an argument with his wife. Per the New York Post, the couple was arguing over a suspected lover and that’s when hubby tossed some saucy wings at the Mrs. The police report states that 39-year-old Robert Francis Audette (sounds fancy): “At some point during the argument the defendant grabbed and threw a takeout box of wings.” The police report went on to state that officers noticed wing sauce on the wife’s chin/neck area.
Has this animal seen the price of wings these days? You can’t be out there slinging those things around like they’re grapes!
Guy must have enough money laying around to sit poolside in the Sunset Cabana package at the Miami Grand Prix.
White House Twerking
Maybe if our wing-covered couple had a little more twerking in their lives, they wouldn’t be feeling so saucy. Gritty knows what’s up.
Philly’s finest thought this was still Bill Clinton’s White House.
He’s A Machine
Sorry for the brief pivot away from Florida, but we’re back now. And with that, I give you Florida’s own, comedian Bert Kreischer. The Machine threw out the opening pitch at the
Indians Guardians game last night and it didn’t go well. But, Kreischer did remove his shirt before putting one in the dirt so we’ll give him a pass. I bet the Russians loved it.
What I’m Eating This Week
I have no plans to hit a Marlins game this week, or ever. But if I did, I think me and the fellas could round up 50 bones and grab ourselves a cubano gigante. A 34″ sandwich. Give me the protein. But most importantly, give me all 34″ of the carbs.
Visiting The Jersey (Are You) Sure?
Congratulations. You’ve made it to the most important part of the weekly Wednesday edition of nightcaps. This is the spot where we lay our eyes on the oddest sports jerseys – preferably in unusual places. Today, we get a double whammy of Floridaness. Our guy here is walking into a Tom Petty concert in his finest EJ Manuel – of Florida State fame – Bills fit.
Even more beautiful than you imagined, right? As always, if you spot an odd jersey send it my way via Twitter: @OhioAF or email: email@example.com.
Isiah Thomas Seems Like A Blast
I’ll tell you who could use some Vitamin D via the Florida sun. Hall of Fame point guard and Michael Jordan-besite Isiah Thomas. Isiah threw a fit earlier this week during an appearance on ESPN. Zeke wasn’t happy with the picture that accompanied his name/voice while on the air and hung up after demanding the Woke Wide Leader change the image if they wanted to continue with the interview.
Guy could never cut it in Florida. No one needs that kind of energy. It’s Donald Trump’s Big D energy, we’re seeking. Obviously.
You’re Gonna Want To See This
Ok, let’s finish off our salute to Florida with the type of content that I like to think fellow Nightcaper (and Floridian) Zach Dean would scroll through after a long day of pounding Busch Lights and researching NASCAR WAGs (I’m jealous too).
You just know this one had to offend the holy rollers.
Just when you thought San Francisco couldn’t get any weirder.
That’s it from me. Nance is waiting.
*OutKick’s Nightcaps is a daily column that runs weekdays around 4pm EST.
Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF