In Defense of My Preds Game Outfit

Last night I went to the Preds game and I wore a polo, jeans, and some tennis shoes and based on the social media reaction you would think I showed up in a male romper.

The responses were brutal, my shirt, my shoes, my pants were all savaged online. If you want to hear all the mean things people said about my outfit, you can go listen to the radio show this morning. Warning, most people were not nice. In fact, people were so mean that if I were a girl who worked at ESPN I would turn all the mean Tweets into a viral video and demand that people feel sorry for me because so many people online are sexist.

But I know better than that. I know that just because some of you don't have the good sense to wear a perfect, iconic outfit to a massive sporting event in your hometown that's a you problem, not a me problem.

So here's my defense to all the haters:

1. My shirt is a vintage Friday Night Lights polo worn by Coach Eric Taylor himself. 

Now I'm not sure how tall Coach Taylor is, but based on how big this polo is on me I think it's clear that he's at least eight feet tall.

Which makes perfect sense.

(It's also possible that NBC told me my shirt was worn by Eric Taylor when I bought it and then actually gave me a polo worn by a fat assistant coach. According to the Internet Kyle Chandler is 6'1". I'm 6'0" so we should be the same size polo unless Eric Taylor's torso is four feet long and his legs are only two feet long).

Regardless, I bought this polo when Friday Night Lights ended and I haven't worn it since I bought it. But my wife suggested I should wear it to last night's game because the gold and blue Dillon Panther colors were similar to the Preds colors and because the P on the polo looked similar to the Preds P too.

Now when I tried it on for the first time was it too large?

Yes, but my wife said the good mojo from the Dillon Panthers was worth the polo being a bit too large. And she was exactly right about this.

So do I apologize for the polo being too large? Of course not. The only thing I'll apologize for is to all of you who don't have your own Eric Taylor/fat assistant coach no one knows polo from Friday Night Lights.

Y'all are the real losers.

2. My jeans are perfectly normal adult male jeans. 

Some of you pussies out there are saying my jeans are too loose, but what do you want me to do, just walk around with my cock and balls so tightly pressed against the denim that my sperm die forever? With jeans so tight that I can't even put a wallet or cell phone in my jeans pocket? Nope, not happening here. You can move right the fuck to Belgium and hang out with all your cock and ball smooshed brethren in Europe, because this is America, damn it.

I've had three male children. Do you know how? Because my cock and balls can breathe.

All you bitches with sperm that doesn't work, don't blame anybody but yourselves.

It's because of your jeans.

So as much as y'all may want me to Han Solo my cock and balls, I'm just not going to do it. Ever. The cock and balls were born free and they should stay that way. Not all pressed up against denim tighter than Han Solo in frozen carbonite hanging on Jabba's wall. (I feel the exact same way about netting in bathing suits, by the way. It's a goddamn human rights violation to put your balls in contact with netting. Violates the Geneva convention.)

All you Euro jeans wearing, cock and ball framing pussies can find somebody else to go after.

3. My shoes are so trendy some of you aren't even aware the trend has happened yet.

Look at those light brown shoes.

Boom.

Like sex on grass.

UnderArmour sent me these shoes for two reasons: 1. Because they are fans of Outkick and 2. Because they knew there was no one better on earth to make light brown sneakers popular than me.

While all you basic bitches are out here in your white and black sneakers, guess who just mixed the two and made America great again?

Me.

In fact, I just looked, these shoes aren't even on the UnderArmour website yet. They're fucking prototypes, fashion sentinels sent out to conquer all before them. You should be bowing down before these shoes.

It's fortunate these shoes aren't on the website yet because if they were, they'd be sold out.

Immediately.

4. My wife said my outfit looked good.

I don't like to shift blame because marriage is based on equality, but my wife is 100% to blame for this outfit in the event it was actually a bad outfit.

Once you're a married man, your wife is in charge of okaying every outfit you wear out in public. My wife has impeccable style so she's responsible for what I wear. Unless she totally hates me and was trying to embarrass me --which is certainly possible, but unlikely here since she was in public with me -- this outfit was pure gold.

But in the event it wasn't, again, not to blame shift at all, but it would be entirely my wife's fault.

Because everyone knows that wives are responsible for what their husbands wear to all public events.

...

Now I want you to look at this picture once more. Breathe in its aura, marinate in its ambiance, tearfully masturbate while averting your gaze from me because you will never look this good.

Do whatever you have to do to make it through the day.

Because this is what 100% pure class looks like, losers.