Dear Coach Harbaugh, Michigan Needs You

Things have gotten bad at Michigan. You don’t need me to tell you, crap, you don’t even have to watch the games. Just look at the final scores. Do that, and you’ll see a school with more wins than any other program in major college football history, with three losses on their resume already. Two of them have come to those noted college football powers, Utah and Minnesota.

No, you can’t make this stuff up, and yes it shows you just how bad things have gotten in Ann Arbor.

And while the attention is currently on Brady Hoke’s hot seat, it’s time to look towards the future, and ask who will replace Hoke when he inevitably gets fired.

Les Miles? Please, he’s sooooo seven years ago.

John Harbaugh? Huh?

No, there is only one man with the chest (to steal a Les-ism) to not only take the Michigan job, but to get the Wolverines back to their rightful place on the top of the college football world.

That man is James Joseph “Jim” Harbaugh, the only coach on the market who’s got the perfect combination of football savvy, old-school toughness, and neatly-creased pleats in his pants to get the Michigan Wolverines winning again.

Will he take the job? Probably not. Is he reading what’s below? I highly doubt it.

But on behalf of college football fans, I believe it’s my civic duty to reach out to Harbaugh, and plead our case for why he should take the Michigan gig.

Desperate times, call for desperate measures, and Michigan fans sure are desperate right now.

So without further delay, here is our open letter to Jim Harbaugh:

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Dear Coach Harbaugh,

Hello, and good afternoon, my name is Aaron Torres. I’m certain you’ve never heard of me (a fact which gives you something in common with like, 99 percent of the girls I went to high school with), but today isn’t about me. It’s about you. And it’s about your future. You belong in college football coach, and on behalf of the entire sport, I’m here to plead our case.

I know that last sentence didn’t make sense, so let me back up for a second.

That’s because I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but your alma mater has fallen on hard times. Michigan football is bad, coach. Really bad. Like so bad, I heard one guy call into sports talk radio the other day, and tell the host he had just popped in an old VHS tape of the Rich Rod era to “remember the good times.” Sure, I might’ve made that last part up, but it shows you just how bad things have gotten in Ann Arbor.

Since I know you’re busy doing important NFL stuff — game-planning, film study, prank-calling the Raiders to express interest in their job — let me tell you just how bad things have gotten for Michigan. For starters, it’s only now the beginning of October, yet the Wolverines already have more losses this season (three), than you did in your final year in Ann Arbor (two). Crazy I know, huh?

Sadly there will be no Rose Bowl this year for Michigan (in part because the game no longer exists), and the only roses the Wolverines will see this fall are the ones being thrown on the grave of their once-powerful football program. Michigan has already been shut out by Notre Dame. They lost to Utah, in a game where Mother Nature did a better job of slowing down the Utes than Michigan’s defense (by the way, did you see pictures from the end of that game? There were more people at Colin Kaepernick’s last birthday party than when that one went final).

Then, there was last weekend, when Michigan lost to Minnesota….

….let me stop, and pause for emphasis…

Yes, Michigan — your once mighty Wolverines —fell, at home to a school whose last relevant football moment came sometime in the late 1930’s! Heck coach, the only thing Minnesota should be beating Michigan in is “annual snow fall totals,” yet there they were driving up and down the field at the Big House, dammit!

Sorry, I let my emotions get the best of me there. My bad coach.  

But it also brings me to the overall point of why I’m writing this letter: I’m not even a Michigan fan, and I can’t watch your program suffer any longer. Not like this. It’s also why I’m reaching out on behalf of college football fans everywhere, and saying it loud and clear: Coach, we need you. We need you to come back to Michigan.

Now I know, I know, you’re trying to win a Super Bowl trophy here. I totally get that, and for the sake of my own safety, I will never doubt for a second that you’re going to get one. At the same time, think about all the headaches you’ve had to endure lately, on the road to another Vince Lombardi trophy.  

(Speaking of which, did I see some grey hair creeping in at Monday’s press conference? Woops, my bad. Please don’t hurt me. I should’ve never asked.)  

But while we’re on the subject of Monday’s press conference, I could see the stress on your face, coach. And who could blame you? Think about all the roadblocks in your way in San Fran right now! You’ve got an overzealous GM wanting to take credit for your success. An owner who doesn’t appreciate all the glory you’ve brought his franchise. And now the players are talking to the media (I swear it wasn’t me!) and saying that you’ve “lost the locker room.” Crap, the only thing they’ve lost is their edge, coach! Thank goodness they’ve got you around to keep them in line.

Still, think about all those headaches. And think about how it would all go away by going to Michigan.

At Michigan, they appreciate, a good, old-fashioned coach who puts on his $8 pleated khakis one leg at a time. More importantly, they also know you’re their only hope.

No, there won’t be an overzealous GM trying to tell you what to do, but instead, an AD over in the corner just trying to keep his job. There won’t be an owner trying to take credit for your success, but a bunch of boosters who can finally, once again be able to hold their heads high.

And it’s because of that, that you should consider taking the Michigan job….if for no other reason than you’ll have totally free reign to do whatever you want!

If we’re being real here, we all know you’re a total control freak (I mean that in the nicest way possible, I swear!) and well, in Ann Arbor you’ll have control of pretty much everything. Think about how glorious it will be! You’ll recruit who you want, schedule who you want, hire who you want….crap, if you want to bring in your old pal Judge Judy to be your defensive coordinator, who’s going to stop you?! Dave Brandon? He’s just trying to sell $2 sodas and go about his day.

(On a side-note, I was only half-joking about the Judge Judy thing. I think she’d bring the exact kind of toughness your team is lacking right now)

By the way coach, this might be a good time to mention that not only would you be the King of Ann Arbor (“King Harbaugh,” has a nice ring to it, by the way, doesn’t it?). You’d also own the Big Ten.

I mean, have you seen that conference? I’d call the Big Ten a hot pile of garbage, but folks on Twitter might get offended that I talked about garbage in such a derogatory manner.

James Franklin was supposed to be a savior at Penn State….then he went and lost to Northwestern last weekend. Nebraska barely survived against McNeese State (which, after consulting my atlas, I’ve come to realize isn’t a state at all). Kirk Ferentz and Iowa are like an old married couple that knows they should get divorced, but doesn’t want to pay the lawyers’ fees. Even Urban Meyer is walking around Columbus right now in a malaise, like a 20-something working in an office for the first time, wishing he was back in college (or in Urban’s case, Gainesville).

Think about it, coach! If you, a man who — let’s be honest here — should’ve won the last three Super Bowls (yes, I’m in full-fledged ass-kissing mode, but I know you’re enjoying it!) came to Ann Arbor, the wins would just start flowing, like curse words out of your mouth when a rookie misses a blocking assignment.

Look, I know the goal is Super Bowls here, but doesn’t spending your winters beating up on Purdue and Indiana sound a lot more fun than going up against Bruce Arians and Pete Carroll (what’s that guy’s deal, by the way?)?

It sure does to me.

So come back to Michigan.

The school needs you. The Big Ten needs you.

And if we’re being honest, college football needs you!

All the best and speak soon,

Aaron Torres

 

Follow Aaron on Twitter @Aaron_Torres