The Gripe Report: Online Menus, Public Restrooms, And Dog Etiquette

Like many folks, I’m not proud of the amount of time I spend watching videos on social media. Sure, I often try to justify it by saying that it’s part of my job and gives me ideas. 

Sometimes it works and even gives me some fodder for this here Gripe Report, but while it's occasionally useful, I have no good explanation for why I’ve spent hours of my life watching people crush everything from Legos to cantaloupes with a hydraulic press.

In-between hydraulic press videos I see all kinds of other crappy videos, but there’s one thing I’ve noticed over the last couple of years that drives me insane, and it’s that no one ever goes out and buys a normal-sized microphone.

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It seems like every video I see where someone is talking straight into the camera they’re using a tiny livelier mic. However, they don’t clip it to themselves the way the microphone was intended to be used.

Instead, they clutch them between their thumb and forefinger with their three other fingers flared out; the same way a pretentious Frenchman holds a cigarette.

It doesn’t need to be a big, long ‘70s Gene Rayburn microphone, but one that doesn’t need to be picked up with tweezers would be appreciated.

I don’t know if there’s a reason for this, and frankly, I don’t care. I hate it.

It could be that it’s just the wrong tool for the job. Sure it works, but there are better options out there. You can hammer a nail with the butt-end of a screwdriver if you really want to, but why not just go get a hammer?

Sorry, if you can’t unsee this phenomenon now, but maybe that’s the first step toward change.

Anywho, that’s about enough of my griping for now, let’s see what you guys are miffed about this week…

Be honest, we all peep the restaurant menu ahead of time. (Getty Images)

Online Restaurants Menus

This may stun you based on my chiseled physique, but I love a nice meal out on the town. Dave in Cleveland has some thoughts about online restaurant menus:

We have essentially been conditioned to expect that a restaurant should have some type of online presence with their menu, but a surprising amount simply do not, and it makes no sense. I understand that a new local spot may not have a full-blown website right out the gate, but please just post a picture of your menu on Facebook at a bare minimum. Don’t make me go in there and make some split-second decision that I may soon regret.

On the flip side, for restaurants that do have a website, do not make me go through the steps to place an online order when I just want to peep the menu no strings attached. Just a simple PDF of the menu on your website is what the people want. 

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Dave in Cleveland speaks my language. 

I’m a check-the-menu-ahead-of-time kind of guy. I just like going in with a game plan so when the server comes up and asks if I’m ready to go, I have things narrowed down and don’t have to do that sheepish, "I’m gonna need a couple more minutes" move with a fake laugh.

I hate that, and the best way to avoid that is by doing your homework.

Couldn’t agree more that in the year of our Lord 2024, there’s no excuse for at the very least posting a photo.

And that move where the only way to see the menu is by going through the online order process instead of a nice, clickable PDF? Criminal.

I’m sure there’s some phony psychology involved that claims people will see something on the menu and order because they’re already in the part of the website where you place orders.

I guarantee, in all of human history, that has happened approximately zero times. 

So, restaurant people, when it becomes so abundantly clear that this method has failed to convert once, maybe just throw your hands up and give people the PDF they wanted from the start.

Believe me, I’m not a fan of government intervention, but if someone floats a bill requiring restaurants to post a menu outside of the online ordering portal, I’d entertain it.

If we just talked about going out to eat, then I think the next logical topic would be…

This restroom looks so crisp and clean it's either an AI image or somewhere in Japan. (Getty Images)

Public Restrooms

Bill from PA has a breakdown of one of the issues with one of life’s necessary evils:

My gripe is EVERYTHING about public restrooms. I don’t want to hear or smell other people, nor do I want them to hear or smell me. All I can think about is how filthy some people are and if everything isn’t motion-activated, now I have to touch what they’re touching. Why are there door handles? You know every disease known to man is on it. Doors should open out so I can use my foot like I do on the flusher.

Long live Buc-ee’s and its private stalls with floor-length doors and motion-activated everything.

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I’ve never been to a Buc-ee’s, but that was all I needed to hear.

I understand why most places don’t do the floor-length doors — because people will use them for all kinds of nonsense —- but some of us like a little privacy when nature calls.

Those stalls go a long way in keeping the sensory byproducts of someone offloading their Buc-ee’s brisket sandwich to a minimum, and I think that’s something we can all get behind.

I’m torn on the using your foot move. That works if everyone uses the foot, but we all know those floors are cesspools and you're putting a sample of that cesspool right on the door or the flusher. 

I agree with the doors needing to open out. Did you ever encounter one of those bathrooms where the door opens into the stall, but they didn't leave enough clearance for anyone taller than Peter Dinklage to open it without having to solve a puzzle of sorts to get out? I have, and it's stupid.

Maybe they do that so a door opening out doesn't clobber an unsuspecting patron, but people don't usually fling stall doors open like they're walking into a Wild West saloon, so I think we're fine.

The motion-activated stuff is great though… when it works. We’ve all encountered the automatic toilet with the over-active sensor that flushes anytime you move an inch.

You’re already trying to rip a deuce in public, now the toilet flushes every time you shift even an ounce of weight.

There are a lot of people who would rather get their teeth drilled than drop-trou in a public restroom after an ill-advised trip through the Taco Bell drive-thru.

The least we as a society can do is make it as comfortable an experience as it can be… or at least as comfortable as defecating in a room full of strangers can be.

Everyone loves letting their dog get some energy out, but make sure you're abiding by proper leashing rules. Otherwise, I can assure you that all other patrons will hate you. (Getty Images)

Dogs, Parks, And Dog Parks

Those of us with dogs have a lot of feelings about how they should be handled at parks and dog parks across this great nation.

Anonymous (if that is his real name) has some thoughts about the people who think they're exempt from rules about leashing their pooches:

I get so pissed when I take my dog to the park on a leash - and other people don't follow the posted rules that dogs need to be on leashes. 1) the dogs that come up and sniff are a pain, never know if they are cool are going to attack 2) When someone throws a ball for their dog, my dog sees it and freaks because she wants to chase the ball 3) when the dog is more than 10 yards away - the owners aren't going to scoop their poop 4) I shouldn't have to change my route because someone doesn't think the rules apply to them. go to the dog park and let them run free - but if you are at a regular park, follow the rules. my dog is a mess seeing other dogs not on leashes.

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Ugh… these people. 

Couldn't agree more. If some giant dog comes flying at you while you're in the park you never know if it's Marmaduke or Cujo barreling toward you.

And don't get me started on dogs getting distracted. I know it's not up to other people to avoid distracting your dog, but it should be a consideration. My dog gets distracted if a cat farts in an apartment across the parking lot, and that leads to me begging him to just do his thing so I can go back inside. I'd appreciate if you didn't whiz by us on your bike.

Also, those people who take the out-of-sight, out-of-mind approach to their dog's poop should be arrested. That's premeditated dook-leaving. 

They know what they're doing, they let the dog wander off just far enough so that if someone calls them out for not picking up after them they can be like, "Oh, I hadn't even noticed that he did that?!" like their dog s--ts like its doing a sleight-of-hand magic trick and if you blink you'll miss it.

Just follow the rules. Unless you're at a dog park, put your four-legged friend (or four-legged acquaintance if you two aren't that close yet) on a leash.

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That's all for this edition of The Gripe Report. If you've got a gripe of your own or want to comment on someone else's gripe, be sure to send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com.