Reusable Toilet Paper Is Now A Thing, Apparently, And There Are Many Problems With It

Reusable toilet paper has arrived.

It's the invention you never knew you needed, and, frankly, you don't need it.

Toilet paper is one of history's least broken inventions. Once the first rolls hit outhouses, our forefathers threw out all of the spent corncobs and beaver pelts (or whatever they used back then).

Now, a company thinks they've changed the TP game for the first time in more than a century.

They haven't, but that's what they think.

Net Zero Company sells products meant to help the environment. The one that has gotten the most attention is their reusable toilet paper.

It's exactly what it sounds like, and it even has spiffy designs on it.

The company said that the idea for the reusable TP came after the Great Charmin Shortage of '20. That was when people rounded up all the toilet paper they could find, even though COVID had nothing to do with your gastrointestinal system.

Reusable Toilet Paper: An Inconvenient Truth

There's some truth to the argument that reusable would save you money. However, I would spend twice the amount that I pay on toilet paper now to not have to wash my reusable toilet paper in the shower.

That doesn't seem very clean. That's the beauty of traditional toilet paper now: you use it then flush it into oblivion. It's the wastewater plant's problem now.

I don't need another chore. I don't want to block out time for a toilet paper rinsing shame shower. Also, would there be anything more embarrassing than having to explain that you were late to something because you were ashing your reusable toilet paper?

"Sorry I got here as soon as I could. It was just a crazy morning. I spilled coffee on my shirt, the dog tracked mud in the house, and the paperboy threw the morning edition in the sprinklers... oh, and I had to rinse feces off of my reusable toilet paper. Anywho, let's get this custody hearing underway, shall we?"

Reusable Toilet Paper Threatens Modern Bathroom Decorum

This also begs the question, if you go the reusable route, does everyone need their own roll? I think the obvious answer is yes, and everyone is responsible for the cleanliness of that roll.

But then what's the deal for guests?

Can you imagine going to someone's house, asking to use the bathroom, having them say "it's the last door on the right, and then handing you a dog-eared roll of reusable toilet paper reserved for guests?

You've got to go the traditional route for guests, but then what's the point of reusable toilet paper for yourself if you have to keep disposable rolls on hand anyway? You'll just get lazy and reach for some Charmin when your reusable roll is dirty and therefore out of commission.

This invention may be intended to save the planet, but it's throwing our society's system of bathroom etiquette into complete disarray.

I don't want to live on a planet that's in a state of toilet anarchy.

According to Net Zero Company, 27,000 trees take a tumble every day just to make toilet paper.

Look, I like this planet, and would prefer to keep it inhabitable. But I will personally melt every glacier with a flamethrower before I use reusable toilet paper.

Even if there was just one tree left standing on the entire planet, I'd be campaigning for it to be turned into a few thousand rolls of TP.

Two-ply at an absolute minimum. Preferably even higher-ply, but if we're down to one tree, beggars can't be choosers.

Follow on Twitter: @Matt_Reigle

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Matt is a University of Central Florida graduate and a long-suffering Philadelphia Flyers fan living in Orlando, Florida. He can usually be heard playing guitar, shoe-horning obscure quotes from The Simpsons into conversations, or giving dissertations to captive audiences on why Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all time.