Danica Patrick Talks Sex Appeal And Her Nasty Nickname, WNBA Girlfriend Grips America & Labor Tips For Dads

It's Britney, bitch, and I'm back. Take that, Mayor Pete!

OK, I'm just back for today, so I'm not technically back. But, it's Labor Day. And in this country, we labor on Labor Day. I don't make the rules, I just follow them. 

Also … there's no college football game until tonight? Dumbest thing ever. Feel like we get at least a couple Mountain West games on CBS Network on Labor Day, no? How do we just have one college football game today? Swing and a miss on that one. That's a European mindset. Oh well. 

Kamala's America. 

On that note, welcome to a Monday Nightcaps – the one where we talk sex appeal with Danica Patrick, learn about her very nasty childhood nickname and defend her like the queen she is. 

I may have been gone for a week, not slept since Aug. 24 (that's pretty much true, by the way), and be running on absolute fumes, but don't get it twisted … we respect Danica around here. New baby or not. 

What else? I've got WNBA rookie Kate Martin's ball-of-fire girlfriend ending summer with a bang, the best from a loaded – and I mean LOADED – weekend of content and, of course, a couple tales from the delivery room. 

First time in one for this guy. My first kid was a C-section. God, that was blissful. This was, too … until it wasn't. But we'll get to it in a bit. 

Grab the coldest, most alcoholic beverage you can find and settle in for a holiday 'Cap!

What a night. 

So, last we spoke, I told you that I had a feeling the First Lady was on the cusp of labor. That was a Friday afternoon class. At 12:45 the next morning, it was game on. 

And on. And on, and on, and on!

We didn't go to the hospital until 9:30 that night. For those counting back at home, that would be 21 hours later … right? I dunno. Frankly, I don't care. It was a long time. 

Anyway, God bless her, because TFL handled it all like an absolute rockstar. No meds. None. Zero. Refused every single one. Insanity. If I haven't shit in four hours, I'm most likely taking something to get the body moving. She didn't take a thing. 

We went into the delivery room around midnight, started pushing 40 minutes later – both of us did! I figured out I'm a sympathetic pusher – and Wilder John Dean was born at 1:59 a.m. on Aug. 25. 

Yeah, it's a badass name. He's already dipping Copenhagen straight. Long-cut. No pouches. We're men. 

Anyway, here are some things I learned along the way:

• Eat before you arrive. I forgot to eat all day. Literally, just forgot. Realized it when we were in the delivery room and the nurse brought me a turkey sammich. Did I feel bad eating it between contractions? Sure. But I did it anyway.
• My back hurt like hell the whole time. Nobody found my "does anyone wanna check on me" jokes between pushing funny. I did.
• Everything you see in the movies about labor is BS. I thought you just went in there, got down and started pushing. No sir. That place was basically a jungle gym. Giant balls, couches, pull-up bars, recliners, a TV. Who knew?
• We've been potty-training our other kid for a month now, and I realized very quickly that potty-training a toddler and encouraging your wife to push out a 9-pound kid are pretty much the exact same thing. Literally, the same lingo. Felt like riding a bike.
• Yes, 9 pounds. Absolute unit.
• I won't get into all the details, but there were some relatively serious complications with the First Lady pretty much right after she finally popped him out. Dr. Raji will never again buy a beer in this town as long as I'm around. Guy was a Maestro in there.
• To give you an idea of how unusual it was, he had to use a device that he claims to have only ever used once before … in three years of its existence. The guy is the only on-call doctor at that hospital. You can do the math on that one.
• The First Lady is so much stronger than I am in every imaginable way that it's honestly silly. I would've tapped out so quick, heads would've spun. Women are a different breed, fellas. It ain't even close.

All in all, a long day. An even longer night. A really long next morning. But we made it. Haven't slept since August, but we made it. 

God bless the US of A. 

Best of the best from a big weekend of content 

OK, that's my story. Reckon it made the extra 10-day wait worth it. Thanks to Amber and Matt for filling in the gaps last week and the rest of this week. They're good people. Plus, Matt's a Florida guy and Amber's a Dolphins fan. I mean, you just can't go wrong. 

Speaking of the Dolphins … fellas, we have finally MADE IT. It's game week. The NFL is back. Anytime TD parlays are BACK. Red Zone is BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. 

Seven hours of commercial free football starts … now!

With that in mind, there's only one way to kick off this portion of class …

Danica Patrick checks back in, Amanda Balionis dominates Nantucket & rate my fantasy team

Hey! That's our girl, Ilona Maher, gracing the cover of SI Swimsuit. And you know what? She's got the Nightcaps Stamp of Approval. Love this chick. I was all in last month when she went viral in Paris, and I'm all in again today. 

We appreciate Ilona around here, and so does Danica Patrick … and Ronda Rousey! Those two kick off our rapid-fire portion of today's class – my final one until I'm back in the saddle full-time next week. 

PS: Back in the saddle? I hate that I just said that. Such a lame boss thing to say. 

Look, if the losers in grade school wanted to nickname that person Manica, then I've got news for them … your loss, buddy. If you don't think Danica Patrick has sex appeal, you're insane. 

Keep grinding, Manica! We're with you every step of the way!

Next? Look who decided to invade my island last week! CBS golf reporter, and Nightcaps regular, Amanda Balionis!

Oh hell yes. Welcome to the island, Amanda! Bill and I love it there, and you will, too. Solid move going to Cisco Brewery, too. That place SLAPS. 

Do two beers and a lobster roll cost you $100? Sure. But it's all about the memories … and the credit card debt. But, mostly the memories. 

Finally, I somehow did a fantasy football draft over the weekend. Don't know how, but I found a way. I think I might go undefeated this year, but you tell me:

- Josh Allen, Baker Baker the TD Maker

- Kyren Williams, Brian Robinson, Jaylen Warren, Rico Dowdle

- Tyreek Hill, Nico Collins, Chris Godwin, Christian Watson, Adonai Mitchell, Ja'Lynn Polk

- Trey McBride

- Brandon Aubrey

- Chiefs

Take us into a big week, Claire Gransee

Am I wrong? I can't be, right? I know a decent fantasy football team when I see one, and I feel good about this one. 

By all means, let me know, though. I had a Nightcaps regular tip me off about Rashee Rice last year and he was a league winner for a lot of folks. 

Not me, of course, because I never get that lucky. But for a lot of folks. 

OK, that's it for today – and for this week. I'll see y'all next Monday. Be nice to Matt and Amber, please. 

Take us home, Claire. Glad to see you and WNBA rookie Kate Martin continuing to blossom this summer. I think we're in for a really special fall. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You ever hammer a turkey sandwich between pushes? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.