Buckle up! We've got some serious live-action out of Minnesota where on May 9 at around 1:30 in the afternoon, the Blue Earth County 911 center received calls about a naked woman at a car lot hopping in and out of vehicles. Callers noted that the woman appeared to be happy and not hurt. Cops were told that she might've been on something.
Enter 35-year-old Jennifer Weber of Arlington, Minnesota. She'll now be known as the woman cops found masturbating with her legs up in the air inside a Chevy Silverado. That's right, the cops found Jennifer hammering away at 2 or so in the afternoon on a car lot.
Let's go to the official police report, provided by The Smoking Gun, for the wild details.
"Officers responded to the retail store. Officers observed a gold Pontiac SUV that was running and the driver's side door was open. The car was in neutral. Approximately 15 feet away, officers observed a Chevy Silverado that the rear driver's side door was open. Officers observed feet sticking out of the door. Officer Wood approached the truck and observed a completely naked woman lying across the floor of the second row. The female was lying on her back with her feet in the digitally penetrating her vagina.
"The female stated her name was Jennifer Weber from Arlington. Weber was making nonsensical comments and appeared to be talking to people that were not present. Weber stated she believed she was in a car in St. Petersburg. Officers asked Weber what brought her to the area and she stated to please the boys. Weber continued to masturbate as she spoke with the officers."
It didn't stop there. Eventually, an ambulance showed up to help Weber, but that led to an hour-long standoff. Cops say Weber kept making "nonsensical statements and continued to masturbate." For an hour!
It turns out the Silverado that Weber was ruining was on the lot to be fixed, which brings me to the next question. What do you do with the truck now? Is it ruined to the point where mentally you have to sell it? Insurance claim? Rip out the carpet? Burn the truck?
From what the cops are saying in their report, Jennifer masturbated in the extended cab for OVER an hour. We're talking like an hour and a half of total pleasuring in that cab. Is it possible for the truck owner to get that out of his head? Will this incident cause nightmares?
As for Jennifer, it's probably time to get it together and lay off the meth. Take a look at yourself, girlfriend. This stuff is making you do Florida Woman things. Let's clean up the act and have a productive summer. No more trouble out of you, OK?