Arizona's New End Zone Suites Better Have A Place To Take A Private Dump Or I'm Out

In a wild twist that NFL fans in Arizona probably didn't see coming (that's a joke), Cardinals ownership decided it needed to squeeze more money out of State Farm Stadium and came up with the idea to install two-story suites in the end zone. 

The Arizona Republic reported Monday morning that the Cardinals were hoping to give fans a "more upscale experience" in the Red Zone section that used to just be seats filled with fans. 

Now, the south end zone will include "casitas" that have front porches, a roof deck and a party room inside the "casitas." 

"What we've noticed as we studied other events and stadiums worldwide is people want things that allow them to socialize with their friends and family or customers. And they wanted something that's a little different than your typical experience," Cardinals Chief Operating Officer Jeremy Walls told The Arizona Republic. 

With the roof open, the Arizona Cardinals kickoff to the Chicago Bears during the Chicago Bears vs Arizona Cardinals game on October 16, 2006, at the University of Phoenix Stadium, in Glendale, Arizona.  The Cardinals lost    the game 24 - 23. (Photo by Gene Lower/Getty Images)

"And so in both of these scenarios, sitting on the field is obviously the hero here, but, but having your own luxury casita in the end zone has never been done. And then having a 1920s supper club, ... music meets football experience, is also a newer concept."

Here's a major problem: the word "bathroom" or "restroom" doesn't appear one single time in the Arizona Republic story on these new suites. That's a HUGE problem. If you have the money to blow on a field-level suite at State Farm Stadium and you can't take a dump in a private toilet connected to your suite, that's not a suite. 

And it's not cool to call it a casita if the big wig local car dealer can't take a dump at halftime without having to walk from his casita to some common area where he might have to wait to take an emergency dump. 

Imagine being rich enough to blow tens of thousands on season tickets to one of these suites and you can't take a leak five feet from the beer fridge. Imagine for a second you made hundreds of millions trading Bitcoin and you have to tell Instagram models they have to walk 75 yards to some restroom being used by the rest of the casitas owners' friends and family. 

Do you know what happens when Instagram models stray too far from a casita? They run into other really rich dudes who invite them to real suites with private restrooms and they disappear. 

I need the Cardinals to rethink these suites before the start of the season. Toilets, toilets, toilets! Attach them to the back of the casitas. And BRAG that suite owners will have a beautiful bathroom to unload the booze and Taco Bell from the night before. Use it as a selling point. Play on their emotions. 

Am I wrong?

Email: joekinsey@gmail.com