Chick-fil-A Should Be Administering The COVID Vaccines

President Donald Trump tweeted Wednesday about his frustration with the administering of vaccines that have gone out to states. As of Tuesday morning, the CDC reported roughly 11.4 million vaccines have gone out and 2.1 million had been administered. What’s the problem? According to Trump, the states aren’t administering the vaccines fast enough. The blue checkmark brigade claims that it’s Trump’s fault, and the arguing just keeps going back and forth.

Look, I’m not here to worry about which side scores political points. I want people to get the vaccine, if they want to get it. That’s why I’m proposing Chick-fil-A as the official administrator of COVID vaccines. That’s right, it’s time to cut to the chase here and hire Chick-fil-A to work their magic and get this country rolling again, one chicken sandwich and shoulder shot at a time.

Think about the last time you drove by a Chick-fil-A on a Saturday. Visualize that line. Think back to how efficient the process was when you stopped to get a chocolate milkshake during the pandemic. Never forget the drive-thru workers adapting to the change in seasons by wearing tents to keep the chicken moving.

Now imagine a world where Chick-fil-A vaccinates the country with a “My pleasure” and a Chick-n-Strips™ meal. Laugh all you want. How bad do you want this vaccine out into society?

Let’s take a look at the hypothetical numbers.

In 2018, a Louisville, Kentucky restaurant reported a drive-thru record 178 cars served in one hour. Right, that’s pre-COVID. That’s pre-multiple lines going through a single drive-thru. Let’s multiply this out to see how quickly entire cities could vaccinate, thanks to Chick-fil-A’s efficiency. Let’s use two lines — most locations are using this process — for the basis of this report. Again, I’m a complete nobody in the math field. I’m sure there are smarter mathematicians out there who can come up with some crazy formula. Yeah, the haters will drop all sort of ‘yeah but’ messages, but they’re the ones who’re never happy, so we’ll ignore them.

• 178 cars per hour X two adult passengers who need to be stuck in the shoulder

• Two lines

• 356 cars per hour X two passengers

• 712 passengers per hour

• Fil A is packed on a Saturday from around 11 a.m. to at least 7. Let’s use those hours.

• 8 hours of humping it as only Chick-fil-A’s drive-thru can do

• 5696 shoulders in one day, per location

• There are approximately 10 locations with drive-thrus in the greater Louisville market

• That’s 56,960 shoulders over 10 hours at 10 locations in Louisville on a Saturday

• 227,840 shoulders over four Saturdays in January

• The population of metro Louisville is 1,265,108

By my estimation, the entire Louisville metro population could be vaccinated in time for the ACC basketball tournament.

The haters will bring into play a bunch of variables, whine about the lines slowing down because people have to get stuck in the arm and wait on sauce packets, etc. The haters will never change.

Instead of the process I just suggested, we have old people sitting outside — they’ve been sitting in chairs before sunrise — in Florida in chaotic situations with no real grasp of how many people are looking to get stuck.

Does this look like a smart idea, or does my plan where we keep people in cars and away from others sound like a better plan? Get these people into vehicles and get them a chicken sandwich after they’re done.

You make the call.

Written by Joe Kinsey

I'm an Ohio guy, born in Dayton, who roots for Ohio State and can handle you guys destroying the Buckeyes, Urban Meyer and everything associated with Columbus.

7 Comments

Leave a Reply
  1. Like spring football its too good to actually work. Only thing better would be getting a 12 pack of ice cold beer while you’re there.

    Nah, let’s put it in the hands of the county health department, those geniuses are great at everything they do. Ever walked into one of those places? Unless you’re an unemployed drug addict, you probably don’t even know where the county health department is located.

  2. Well I’m still in the camp I don’t need a vaccine for something you can survive from pretty easily and has already mutated (whether the mutation is real or media fear porn is irrelevant…mutation is the reason why they need to keep coming up with different flu vaccines every year).

Leave a Reply