Charleston High School Football Coach Fired Because Team Smashes Watermelons After Wins

A Charleston, South Carolina area high school has fired a football coach for inappropriate watermelon celebrations after victories. (Am I the only person who read that sentence and thought players were screwing the watermelons "American Pie" style? Yes, I am. Okay, nevermind, I didn't think it either). Anyway, after wins the team would get together and smash the watermelons. A school superintendent decided that smashing watermelons was racist. Seriously, she did. (Wait until she hears about the band Smashing Pumpkins. She is going to be so pissed.) They did a multiple hour investigation into the watermelon smashing. My God, every time I think people in positions of power can't get any dumber, they do. 

Quoth the article:

"District officials released a brief statement Tuesday morning on the matter, only saying an investigation was conducted that led to Walpole's dismissal. The statement classified the post-game celebrations described by a student and parent as "inappropriate."

The district also named the interim coaching staff.

"Coach Andrew Rusciolelli will serve as the interim head football coach and Coach Steven Kamp and Coach Gary Weart will be assistants for the two remaining games of the 2014 season," the statement reads.

Meanwhile, the Academic Magnet student body is being vocal in trying to get Walpole reinstated, including an online petition with more than 1,200 signatures as of 1 p.m. Tuesday. The petition was started by Darius Nwokike.

"Walpole is the greatest coach to walk Magnet's halls," said one student in an email to ABC News 4."

Can I be the Martin Luther King of watermelons and share my dream with you? Regardless of your skin color, they are a delectable fruity treat. Which races don't like watermelons? In my experience every person on earth likes watermelons. Hell, Kim Jong Un even likes watermelons and he's an evil totalitarian leader hell bent on destroying the world. Democrats, Republicans, white people, brown people, black people, yellow people, gay Muslims, everyone loves watermelons. Especially now that they have the seedless variety of watermelon. SEEDLESS WATERMELONS ARE A SCIENTIFIC COUP. AMERICA, BITCH. 

I mean, seriously, this is the stupidest reason I've ever heard for anyone getting fired. 

Has anyone seen "Varsity Blues," or "Friday Night Lights," or, you know, actually been to high school? This is pretty much the tamest way to celebrate a victory possible. It's also the lamest. Who wastes a watermelon? If they had fired the coach for wasting watermelons that would have made more sense to me. It would have still been stupid, but at least I would have understood -- you don't waste a seedless watermelon, that's something we can all agree on. But, no, it was racist.

Whatever you do, don't drop a watermelon at the grocery store.

That's racist, y'all. 

Update:

If possible, and I didn't believe it was, this story has gotten even more ridiculous. 

The Charleston NAACP weighed in today and compared smashing watermelons after football games to a lynching black people:

"Chapter president Dot Scott compared the ritual by Academic Magnet's football team to a predominantly black football team urinating on a Confederate Flag as a "victory ritual" when they beat a predominantly white team. The Academic Magnet watermelon celebration being defined as "fun" was also compared to the "fun" whites used to have lynching blacks."

I just, I give up. 

This is probably too ridiculous to even be an Onion article at this point. Especially since, if you watch the video below, it now appears that a black player came up with the initial idea to smash the watermelons after victories.