Local news rarely if ever disappoints. Even when, as is the case here, there’s a story of some importance for local news to cover. Did or did not starting Ohio State running back Carlos Hyde punch, hit, or slap a girl at a club?
Thus far, stories have differed.
On Monday Hyde was suspended from the team — the Columbus-Dispatch reported that he’d been dismissed, but that didn’t happen. On Tuesday afternoon Yahoo’s Charles Robinson, who appears to have never viewed the actual video, said that sources told him Hyde didn’t make any contact with the woman on the video and that authorities were unlikely to charge Hyde with any crime. This led Ohio State fans to nominate Hyde for the Nobel Peace Prize and Tweet me to commit suicide by shooting myself.
Because, you know, I had the total and absolute gall to write and link the news reports and have an opinion about it.
Last night came the latest news on the Hyde case. Local Columbus NBC news reporter Mindy Drayer is on the case.
From her living room.
You have to watch this.
Yep, we’ve got an awkward local news video.
1. Why is she in her living room?
She’s in Columbus, Ohio, was there such a rush that she couldn’t make it back to the studio for the report? How long does it take to drive from one part of Columbus to another? Like twenty minutes? I have no idea how someone’s living room ended up being the scene of the report.
2. Was the diagram of Sugar Bar 2 really necessary?
If it was, could no one have made an actual diagram at the news station?
Or used Star Wars figurines to reenact the club scene? Hyde is clearly Lando Calrissian, right?
As is, this looks like a really bad science project graphic from 8th grade. And, trust me, I know all about really bad science project graphics from 8th grade. (I did does mouthwash really work for six straight science projects at Martin Luther King high school. My answer was, “Not really.”)
3. Where is Sugar Bar 1?
What happened at Sugar Bar 1 on Saturday night? Is Sugar Bar 2 better than Sugar Bar 1? How dumb would you feel if you went to Sugar Bar 1 to meet your friends and they were actually at Sugar Bar 2?
I’m picturing Urban Meyer standing up in front of the entire Ohio State team, veins throbbing in his forehead, all red-faced and screaming, “Nobody goes to the Sugar Bar! You hear me, no one goes to the Sugar Bar anymore! Ever. No. More. Sugar. Bar.” Fierce Urban Meyer gaze.
I swear to you, if I was a star player on Ohio State I’d raise my hand and with a completely straight face, say, “Just to clarify, you mean Sugar Bar 1 and Sugar Bar 2, right coach?”
4. Why is the dog not outside for the news report?
At the very least, if you were going to do a live news broadcast, wouldn’t you put the dog outside?
I’m sympathetic here, however, as my two boys have been featured on every sports radio station in the Southeast over the past five years. Basically, if f I’m talking on the radio and the boys are here, there’s a 100% chance that one of them is going to have to poo and wants me to take them to the bathroom while I’m on live radio.
5. Yes, Mindy Drayer is married.
What, were you going to move to Columbus and woo her?
You think a woman who can whip up hot graphics like that club scene is going to stay on the market for very long?
Hell to the no.
Somebody put a ring on that back when there was only one Sugar Bar in town. (The only way this report could have been better is if Mindy Drayer’s husband owned Sugar Bar 1 and 2 and she had to issue that commentary at the end of her report).
6. Mindy Drayer has three rings on her right hand and an immaculate manicure.
This is the longest I have ever seen a local news report focus on someone’s fingers.
George Costanza would be proud.
7. The dog walks by in the background.
What’s more, it’s like the dog planned his appearance for the absolute climax of the news report.
Just as Mindy gets to the money shot at Sugar Bar 2, bang, the dog.
I love how the camera angle changes as you can almost see the camera guy thinking, “Oh, s—, that’s a dog that just walked by. I’m getting fired for this.”
8. Mindy Drayer with the Zapruder club analysis: “He did make contact with her. Again, it was not a punch. As far as what I could tell she was not knocked unconscious. He did make contact with his hand on her face.”
Eventually this club video will end up on the Internet.
In the meantime, there are conflicting stories about whether Ohio State’s running back did or did not hit a girl in the face at a club.
The college football season kicks off in 35 days.
I’m off to Las Vegas, mailbag tomorrow, gents.