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Canadian Hockey Goalie Mikayla Demaiter IS BACK(!), Baker Pens His Farewell Letter & A NYC Subway WWE-Style Wrestling Match

Well, well, well…would you look at Mark P.’s Indiana Hoosiers

Like a phoenix rising from the March Madness ashes, here comes Mark P. to get him a big taste of that playoff bug like I got to experience back in January and February. As you all remember, this past Friday Mark P. was a complete mess. He thought his Indiana Hoosiers were finished, heading to the NIT and he was going to go through another year of basketball misery.

Then, Friday afternoon, IU beat Illinois to make it to a semifinals game against Iowa, which the Hoosiers lost, but they were in the NCAA Tournament. Fast forward to Tuesday night at the gem of college basketball — UD Arena right there a few miles from where I was born into this world — and Mark P.’s Hoosiers dominating inside against Wyoming on TruTV (did you have trouble finding that via your cable provider?) and marching on to Portland, Oregon to face Saint Mary’s in one of those 12-5 matchups you hear about.

Guys, that’s the power of Screencaps. You’re feeling down on life, your team, maybe your marriage, maybe your job, etc. One minute you’re in the dumps, the next minute you stop by Screencaps and not only is the positivity running through your veins, but there are results.

Your sporting experiences are better. You’re eating incredible food. You’re visiting exotic locations. You’re spotting bathing suits your wife should buy. You’re keeping up with lumber prices. You gain inspiration for yard projects. You’re mowing better. Life is just better because of this column.

Don’t take it from me. Take it from the emailers:

• Brian McC in Fayetteville, Arkansas writes:

At tip, I couldn’t care less who eventually won this Indiana/Wyoming game. But then I remembered my fellow SC brother Mark P. is jonesing for a Hoosier victory. So, now, I am as well. Funny how that happens. What a great community!

Hope you’re over the romaine pain. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

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Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, Brian.

See, we take games that you’d typically fall asleep to in the recliner and we make them interesting, thanks to Mark P. being down in the dumps.

• Daniel N. writes:

Coming from a Dawgs fan, just wanted to say congrats to Mark P. and the Hoosiers for winning an ever elusive tournament game (Here’s to hoping Mike White can recruit Atlanta boys and get UGA back in the tourney sometime soon…).

Anyways, glad he learned to see the joy in the sport and hoping he continues to enjoy the ride as long as Indiana stays in it, and I hope we can all look back fondly at our seasons even after they’re over, and even if they end in disappointment. Thanks for all you do Joe, and I wish everyone good luck in their pursuit of a perfect bracket. LGB FJB

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On March Madness in Dayton and the blue checkmarks being pussies

Albert Breer should stop being a pussy and just say what he wants to say about Dayton. As someone who was born and raised in Massachusetts, I’m sure he’s not about to sound elitist. No chance, right?

I can picture Albert with his elite blue checkmark circle of friends in Boston having a huge laugh over a once mighty industrial city that produced all sorts of shit to defeat the Nazis struggling to stop sucking from the teat of the auto industry that created a massive middle class in the city that has now pulled up roots and moved south.

Albert’s just following the typical blue checkmark playbook when the First Four pops up in Dayton.

Now, if Albert wants to have a realistic discussion on Dayton, he should start with the Democratic politics that have controlled the city for decades. Surely he wants to go that route, right?

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Quickly moving along…

On bad lettuce

• Kevin from the Burgh writes:

Having worked ten years for a food service company twenty plus years ago, one the thing I remember most is a conversation I had with a produce rep from California.  He said the one thing you don’t see when you look at those beautiful photos of lettuce fields that seem to go on for miles is a bathroom and the pickers work twelve hour shifts.  Even though the produce gets washed, wash it again when you get it home.Words I’ve lived by ever since.

On this new reality show Ray Lewis is on

• Jon U. writes:

Who else is on that “Beyond the Edge” show with Ray Lewis?  O.J. Simpson and Casey Anthony?

Just wondering…

On life accomplishments

• Kevin from the Burgh hit me with two emails Tuesday morning. I asked for readers to brag on themselves for a minute and Kevin delivered:

I am 54 years old and to this day, I hold the record at my elementary school (Green Acres in Tonowanda, NY) for the fastest 50 yard, 75 yard, 100 yard dashes.  Plus the 100 meters and the 440.  I was in sixth grade when I set these records and the school closed that year. 

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Boom, there’s no rewriting those records.

• Mark R. writes:

(*OutKick disclaimer!!!!!! Do not try this at home or say we told you to try this!!!!!)

Love screencaps. Your plea for personal records brought back some great memories. Although I question our sanity. Me and a group of nine fraternity members at Oklahoma entered a contest called “Kill-A-Keg” at another fraternity party.

With one guy pumping the keg and everyone else drinking we drained it in 5 minutes and 49 seconds to take top prize. One thing that disqualified you would be throwing up. Somehow that did not happen. Not sure if it’s a record but it won that day. Nobody believes the story when we tell it. But I can tell you the pumper had a blister the size of a tennis ball in the palm of his hand.

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NOW WE’RE TALKING!

I asked for records and life accomplishments that you break out at the airport bar, *if necessary, and Mark R. just delivered an all-timer. I’m going to assume we’re talking a full barrel keg.

We’re talking 165 or so 12 oz. beers in a full (half) keg. Now, if my math is right, that’s 18 12-ounce beers per guy (nine guys drinking) spread out over FIVE MINUTES AND FORTY-NINE SECONDS!

I might have to run the OutKick® disclaimer again after doing that math.

All I can say is that it’s great to have Mark R. with us after that performance. My god, do not try this at home. That said, it’s a helluva story.

On ‘the best strawberry shortcake ever’

• It’s good to have Dana B., my favorite TNML-shirt wearing bus driver, back. She writes:

Spring is here! Ivanhoe’s. Upton, Indiana

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I could go on for another hour, but it’s a bright sunny day and it’s going to hit 70. You know what that means, right? You’re damn right, I’m going outside for a little bit this afternoon. I’ve earned it. It’s time to see what the world looks like while wearing shorts and sunglasses.

Have a great day across this great country no matter how much the blue checkmarks try to ruin the vibe. Let’s get after it.

Email: joekinsey@gmail.com

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Written by Joe Kinsey

I'm an Ohio guy, born in Dayton, who roots for Ohio State and can handle you guys destroying the Buckeyes, Urban Meyer and everything associated with Columbus.

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