The Blue Light-crushing, chicken wing-eating, Zubaz-wearing, slovenly pigs (that’s in the highest regard) of the Bills Mafia just might’ve saved the New York state economy with their 1.9% COVID positivity rate after going through testing to get into Saturday’s Wild Card game against the Colts.
These COVID-negative savages who were fighting in the stands like there’s no tomorrow could be the key to reopening theaters, offices and…wait for it…restaurants (!!), according to Governor Andy Cuomo, who says Saturday’s game is being considered a success.
“Why can’t we use rapid testing to open restaurants in orange zones, theaters, and offices?” Cuomo asked during his State of the State address. “There are so many options.”
That said, Cuomo’s still not ready to allow Bills fans to party inside restaurants during this Saturday’s game against the Ravens. He’s unwilling to lift the 10 p.m. restaurant/bar curfew.
How’s it possible that these Bills Mafia pigs who’ve been crushin’ beers with their buddies for the last nine months could turn in such a low positivity rate?
Buffalo Bills fans beating the crap out of each other during Wild Card game pic.twitter.com/PvPD0FJSJX
— Bacon, Grits, Eggs (@reddawg77089) January 12, 2021
“I think everybody who is in the business was surprised that the (positivity rate) was that low,” Dr. Jon Cohen, executive director of BioReference Laboratories, which conducted the testing, told WIVB-4 in Buffalo. “There’s a lot of conjecture around why that should be. But the fact is I don’t thing anybody has the answer.”
Enter Cuomo’s next move. He wants rapid pop-up screenings all over the place. He wants to replicate the Mafia experience in Manhattan to get theaters running again.
That’s right, folks, the Bills Mafia holds the keys to New York’s economy right now.
“I can’t set up 30 drive-thrus in the middle of Manhattan so someone could go to the theater,” Cohen told WIVB. “So that means the solution there is going to be different than fan testing for a large arena.”
Get on it, Jon. FIGURE IT OUT.
Think about how history will be written 25 years from now. Josh Allen will be the aging 49-year-old Bills quarterback trying to get back to the Super Bowl one final time, but he has to first get through 50-year-old Patrick Mahomes first. People will be listening to podcasts in their flying cars, while Mafia old-timers talk about how they saved Manhattan’s economy, thanks to their performance before a Wild Card game once upon a time.
Mark this post. We’ll come back to it in 2046.