Bama Fan Needs Your Help Designing His Wedding Cake

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One of the great things about running Outkick the Coverage is that every time I check my Twitter feed or my email, it’s possible that something amazing is waiting there.

Which brings us to an Alabama fan reader who is getting married and wants us to come up with the best possible image for his wedding cake.

Read his email below:

Jimmy M. writes:

“I am getting married on Dec 29th. I asked my future wife for four things when it came to the wedding: 1) It be Catholic, 2) open bar at the reception, 3) not during the regular college football season or the bowl games that matter, and 4) that my groom’s cake be a white sheet cake from Sam’s.

I am getting all four of my requests, but I don’t know what to put on my cake.

I want it to be something good that lets people know I love the Tide. I am marrying an Aggie and everyone keeps telling me to go with a house divided cake, but I want there to be more obnoxiousness than that. I want my cake to look like I did not actually go to Alabama. I want it to be something that makes people say “Wow, he must really love the Tide.” I cannot figure out what picture I want printed on it though. Originally, I wanted a picture of the mural in the Bear Trap of Saban Jesus with the Bear Bryant quote ” If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, “Roll, tide, roll!” but I cant find a good picture of Saban Jesus. So I am coming to you for help. What should be the picture on my groom’s cake? I am attaching two other photos that I have considered.”

Here are the two pictures that Jimmy attached:

Basically, the question that Jimmy has for us is a good one, what is the most redneck, stupid Alabama fan cake that he could could get?

What you’re really trying to pull here is the meta-cake. That is, a cake that is so bad the dumbest Alabama fans will see it and think it’s awesome. But a cake that the smartest Alabama fans will also see it and know, simultaneously, that the purpose of the cake is to ridicule the dumbest of the Alabama fans.

This is a brilliant idea, essentially the movie “Bring It On,” meets a wedding cake.

The two pictures Jimmy attached are fine, but I don’t think they quite nail it.

Here are my top five ideas:

1. Saban and the ghost of the Bear in a portrait.

Bonus: the most ridiculous Bama fans actually have this photo already hanging on their wall.

This picture just kills me.

I think it’s going to be tough to beat.

2. Saban and the Bear in a classical pose.

There’s bonus points here if your fiancee will allow you to feature classical male genitalia attributed to Nick Saban.

I love this picture too.

And not just because I’m gay and it includes male nudity.

3. Just go with the Bama fan cow pond pic.

It’s tough to beat this picture.

We first wrote about this picture last year. It’s still hysterical.

4. Harvey Updyke

As a message on the cake write: “A good man is not hard to find.”

Flannery O’Connor would approve.

Plus, it hits the requisite Southern gothic theme.

5. What about Gene Chizik in the leather jacket gazing at the BCS title?

Underneath it write, “49-0 Roll Tide Roll”

Additional ideas?

I know y’all can come up with some genius ideas.

Written by Clay Travis

Clay Travis is the founder of the fastest growing national multimedia platform, OutKick, that produces and distributes engaging content across sports and pop culture to millions of fans across the country. OutKick was created by Travis in 2011 and sold to the Fox Corporation in 2021.

One of the most electrifying and outspoken personalities in the industry, Travis hosts OutKick The Show where he provides his unfiltered opinion on the most compelling headlines throughout sports, culture, and politics. He also makes regular appearances on FOX News Media as a contributor providing analysis on a variety of subjects ranging from sports news to the cultural landscape.

Additionally, Travis serves as a co-host of The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show, a three-hour conservative radio talk program syndicated across Premiere Networks radio stations nationwide.

Previously, he launched OutKick The Coverage on Fox Sports Radio that included interviews and listener interactions, and started an iHeartRadio Original Podcast called Wins & Losses that featured in-depth conversations with the biggest names in sports.

Travis is a graduate of George Washington University as well as Vanderbilt Law School. Based in Nashville, he is the author of Dixieland Delight, On Rocky Top, and Republicans Buy Sneakers.