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This episode was all about gaining further evidence that half of this season’s “cast” is in fact not into women. We also had a return of the helicopters… drink! A meathead got entirely too drunk, and for that I thank him. ABC attempted to honor Memorial Day by making the guys dress up as different service men and strip. Dog Lover Kelly made a guest appearance along with America’s favorite Panda Bear Sharleen, our main man Josh M. got flustered and proceeded to drop my personal favorite line, “don’t stereotype me as a typical athlete, because I’m not,” and Andi said “stooopp” no less than 30 times and tells us, “they’ve all been sweet to me.” Let’s dive in…
One-on-one date is with Eric, which could not have been more heartbreaking and uncomfortable to watch knowing that he has since passed away. He may be one of the best guys to ever be on this show. I can’t say anything witty and bitchy about it. Look up his foundation livelikeeric.com.
Group “Charity” Stripper Date. Participants include Nick S., Bradley, Brett, Dylan, Patrick, Marcus, Carl, Craig, Josh, Marquel, Ron, Tasos (aka Tassel), Cody, and Brian. Everyone arrives at a hole-in-the-wall reminiscent of a glorified Gallette’s in Tuscaloosa, just less bar tar, and out come the Chippendales misfits. What’s this ABC? It’s for charity? OF COURSE IT IS. Craig says, “Are we getting naked? Because I’m kind of excited” to a room full of his fellow male contestants. The dancers do their little dance and then each cast member has to have his own audition as either army men, firemen, or cowboys and gets assigned to a group. Dylan gives us this gem: “If I have to dance around in a man thong, that’s going to suck.” Word. Let’s discuss the performances….
Firefighters: The instructor informs us that firefighters are every woman’s sexual fantasy. I can safely say that is false. Carl is a firefighter in real life, and he brought his t-shirt hoodie, which is highly flammable, pal. Dylan says he needs some lube after being spray tanned. Going to go out a limb and say he regrets that. Patrick is so so incredibly good looking. Brett was never shown; he’s a mute apparently.
Army Men: Cody the meathead (do you even lift bro?) lets us know that he’s been “working on his bod” and can’t wait to show it off for a sexy girl. Does he even take himself seriously when he talks? Brian, our sweet boy next door, promises his mom he’s going to church double ASAPs and retweeted all of the shit his players were giving him through the episode. He’s so great, but his dancing skills, not so much. Tasos (Tassel) was supposedly also in attendance. Ron was… well… if you aren’t a Weasley I’m not paying attention.
Solos! Yes, Andi decided to be a real treat and give two of these poor boys solo spots. Marcus has a solo as a Navy Seaman (Happy Memorial Day!!) and he is not happy about it. We are though because his body is a work of art. Nick S. also has a solo, but he has to wear a robot costume and will now be known as The Brave Little Toaster. This was beyond uncomfortable to watch.
Cowboys: Craig, oh Craig, thank you for being your in need of a Xanax self, you little gay boy you. He is in love with Josh M., and his inability to hide it is the romantic equivalent of SMU football sending improper benefits using the Governor’s personally addressed envelopes. He also wants everyone to see his package and is wondering what he can do to make it stand out. So you’re saying it needs to be enhanced? Yeah, I just went there. Josh M., in addition to being the cause of #BonerRiser for Craig, nailed it while wearing his UGA football sweats. Are the Dawgs finally on top of something? Marquel was barely even there, and Bradley the opera singer was not impressed. The feeling’s mutual.
After making America cringe, the group heads to a cabin for dinner and a cocktail party where Craig proceeds to get obliterated. It. Was. Fantastic. Although, he did offer his most intelligent comment so far saying, “Things are about to get real stupid.” Yes, yes they are. Then he asks Andi what is the worst thing about her parents. Hold up Craig. We do not trash talk HOLA! Daddy. That’s an automatic DQ. This leads to Andi having her first meltdown of the season, saying “this isn’t a joke to me!” LOLzzz. Tasos makes an appearance and if you are able to keep a straight face whenever he pops up, well then you are a saint. The best one-on-one time of this group date, or the one that made me cringe the most was sadly Josh M’s. Ladies, have we learned anything? Even if an athlete tells you “don’t stereotype me as a typical athlete” and “I’m shy,” 99% chance they are not the exception to the rule and are in fact the typical athlete. Marcus gets the group date rose, probably because he had to have a solo, but he should get one based on his bod alone.
One-on-one date with Chris, the farmer and owner of adorable dimples. Chris and Andi go to the horse track, where Andi asks him if he knows what they are doing. NOPE. It’s a big mystery. The farmer has absolutely no idea what this date is going to be. HOW IS THIS CHICK A LAWYER? They coincidentally sit next to a precious old couple who tells them their love story. After all these seasons, it’s cute that ABC thinks we still believe these are accidental run ins. After the races, they head to dinner and a private concert with a band I’ve never heard of. Their date was tolerable and he gets a rose, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned as to why someone this attractive has not gotten out of Iowa yet. Then he tells us he was engaged before and broke it off.
Rose Ceremony: ABC kindly bedazzled a dress for Andi that was clearly inspired by Reba McEntire’s “Fancy” circa 1990. It was turrrible. Craig, who is feeling horribly guilty about his drunken night, writes Andi a song and busts out a guitar to serenade her. This was somehow less uncomfortable to watch than his drooling over Josh M. Bradley also sings again. Someone let him know his is not a Panda in a room full of Brown Bears but the salmon swimming upstream. Nick V. sets up his own creative date card and then asks Andi what she’s looking for, so either he didn’t know the premise of the show, or he is female.
See ya, Never: Craig, who had to leave for his stint on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab, Nick S., our Brave Little Toaster, and Carl.
Next week there’s a new episode on Sunday AND Monday. If I didn’t love OKTC there’s no chance I would postpone watching Game of Thrones and Veep, but we all must make sacrifices. I’ll be live tweeting both torturous episodes on Twitter @CippyWallace.
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