Bachelorette Episode 9: For ALL the Tostitos

The level of snark I have about this week’s episode is equal to my thoughts on Mizzou players showing off their 2nd place in the SEC rings all over media days. Give me a break, ya clowns. We also have a guest commenter, Josh Parcell, who’s a regular contributor to Outkick the Coverage and a secret fan of The Bachelorette.

There are only two weeks remaining in this love story, Josh Murray and I have the same Nike frees, and Chris dodged a bullet. So stooooop ittt with your complaints that this took too long to post. I’m just trying to give 110% and get a gold star on my chore chart this week, so let’s begin…

Fantasy suite dates are just awkward, especially on The Bachelorette. Andi fears that “behind that closed door is going to be a completely different person.” Which is why I’m assuming she chose the order that she did… Nick, Josh, Chris… because they’re in order from crazy to normal. Finally this girl makes a logical decision- her only one of the night. This episode had so many one liners for me to rip apart there’s no way I can touch on them all. The cast is in the Dominican Republic, which we are told, per usual, ten thousand times. 

Nick’s Fantasy Suite Date: Andi can’t believe this is the first overnight date and reminds us that it was a game changer for her last season. First of all, Nick needs a complete wardrobe reboot. Second, he’s unable to tell her that he loves her but totally thinks he’s a frontrunner. I’m completely convinced he didn’t get a bad edit and is just this big of a douche canoe. Third, he needs to stop writing things.

Nick says that the hometown date with the Duggar Family of Milwaukee went well. I mean how could it go wrong when all you had time to do was play the name game? The date begins with a ride in a helicopter, and Andi is “so excited to take Nick on his first helicopter ride.” Sorry, I missed the part where she became such a helicopter travel pro. They kiss really loudly while wearing the microphone headsets and I can’t stop laughing. Then they visit a private island, where they make out in the ocean and all of the CrAzY cLaRe flashbacks are resurfacing. Andi says, “It’s an adult romance.” Really? Because I thought you were in 7th grade passing love notes, but we just might get there.

Josh’s Commentary: “Nick is not a stud like Chris and Josh, makes me think I could go on this show.” Seriously, I would totally get on the Josh Parcell for Bachelor campaign trail, but he’s got a great girlfriend.

While sitting on the beach, Andi is waiting for Nick to say “I love you,” but he doesn’t. Nick then says that he looks back at his failed relationship and laughs. No, nobody looks back and laughs at failed engagements. Douche.

During a romantic dinner on the beach Nick reads a fairy tale he wrote and illustrated for Andi. This book looks like something a 5 year old would create and all that is missing from this scene is the perv stash. Like really, bro? There is something so incredibly wrong with talking about going to a fantasy suite in a children’s book. I kept squirming while he was reading, begging Josh to make it stop, to which he responded with “solid move leaving blank pages at the end of the book.” All of the eye rolls.

Nick says he is most looking forward to talking all night. Then they make out against a tree, and he finally drops the L word. Sorry, I just can’t take I love you’s on this show. The pair head off to the fantasy suite to “talk all night.”

Right, and the SEC doesn’t pay its players.

Josh’s Fantasy Suite Date: Josh has more buttons unbuttoned than buttoned. It’s clear these two are obsessed with each other. While exploring the city, they conveniently run into some children playing baseball. Josh mentions that it’s important to him that Andi recognizes the things he loves. Riddle me this, how could she miss it? Baseball is literally the only thing besides Aaron and the NFL that these two have talked about. Naturally, Andi LOVES seeing him play with the local children. I’ll give her that, guys getting along with kids is pretty cute.

Josh accepts the key to the fantasy suite and then Andi follows this up with needing reassurance that he’s “here for the right reasons.” This girl. They go off to spend the night reassuring each other, probably.

Chris’s Fantasy Suite Date: I think we all know I’m on the Chris train. I got to talk to him for a while yesterday, which I’ll post for the Men Tell All, and he confirmed everything I’ve been thinking. I told him repeatedly he’s either actually completely normal, or just a really good bullshitter. He’s the first.

Andi takes Chris to ride horses in the countryside of the Dominican. Remember that Andi should excel at this because she’s from Atlanta and she’s outdoorsy. It is obvious that homegirl is far from outdoorsy. Chris does not look completely terrible on a horse.

Later at a picnic the two talk about how great Chris’s family is. Then he says, “I mean I don’t want to beat a dead horse, especially after we’ve been riding them all day.” 

Andi says in the most roundabout way that she doesn’t know what she wants Chris to do. She is the worst. Andi, if you are going to drag these boys through this torture with you, you’ve got to be upfront. Finally she sends Chris home and blames it on Iowa. Chris handles this with grace and maturity.

Rose Ceremony: Andi still wants to have a rose ceremony with Josh and Nick, because it means something to her. I’m proud of Andi for not wearing another prom dress. Both guys accept their roses but I’m calling it now.. it’s clear Josh is going to win. 

Next Week: The Men Tell All special, which I have been told gets very awkward. Also, I’ll recap my talk with Chris.

Follow @cippywallace on Twitter and I’ll keep you updated. 

 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.