Bachelor Recap, Episode 5

How do you people know I love you? I'm currently writing this from a plane while a very high ranking NFL executive is sitting next to me and judging me, HARD. I'm enthralled with this season. We're to the point where the drama starts to take off. Why, you ask? Because these chicks are exhausted, hungover, jetlagged, and now in Mexico where they can't drink the water. They're miserable. Anyway, let's see why Mexico is "the perfect place to fall in love" since Vegas clearly didn't work out. Weird.

1. Did you know that they are in Mexico? Honestly, I'm more surprised twin Emily has a passport and knows she's leaving the country.

2. Olivia looks so strung out. Home girl is struggling, which concerns me. I need some peak O.

3. People on Twitter could not believe how great Amanda looked when Ben "surprised" her by waking her up early in the morning. I need you all to be smarter immediately.

4. Amanda gets the first one on one. I like her. And that's big, because her voice makes me want to claw my eyes out. They go on a hot air balloon ride. Who the hell made those a thing? No chance you're getting me in a basket that floats way up in the air.

5. If you drank every time Ben or Amanda said "like," you would be dead. Not teetering on death. DEAD.

6. Amanda tells us that "there were red flags with my ex-husband," but she married him anyway. She says she found one of his old phones and saw he was on dating apps. Ladies, you can't change them. She gets a rose for this sob story.

7. Group Date! Emily, Olivia, Becca, JoJo, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Jennifer, Leah. Those last 2...yeah, didn't know they were still here either. The group learns some Spanish. Then they have to cook recipes that are in Spanish.

8. Olivia steals Ben as her partner, cue all of the side eye bitch glares. Jubilee is the opposite of jubilant, and I'm apparently the only one who is concerned that she's given a knife while pissed.

9. I am such a big fan of JoJo. She's cool but bitches an acceptable amount. Unfortunately, she took one for the team and was the culprit of this week's innuendo. She wants Ben to taste her taco, because she has a great taco.

10. Oh this just in, Ben doesn't care about how much the women learn or how their food tastes. All that really  matters is their participation level. I can't stand him. His kids probably won't be allowed to play sports where they keep score. Participation medals for everyone!!

11. Olivia is back, you guys. She feels like she and Ben are back on their A-game. You have to appreciate this girl for her ability to play this game. She's first ballot Bachelor hall of fame.

12. The fact that Jubilee did not give Olivia a chest tat with a knife during this date is a big win for ABCs legal team, but a big loss for those of us at home.

13. Jubilee's constant need for reassurance is making my head explode. I want to like her, really I do, but I can't. Girl, you survived WAR, this should be a walk in the park. Ben's apparently had enough tequila to grow a pair and send her home. SHE GONE! ...and then Ben cries. YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HER DUDE. Have I told you lately that I hate Ben?

14. Olivia gets the group date rose. I'm now crying laughing. We need a panoramic shot of all of the girls' faces when she gets it. Then I want to make it my Twitter background. Internet friends, do this for me please.

15. Lauren H. gets the last one-on-one. This chick seems cool, but her accent is horrible, and she's just SO kindergarten teacher. We should all be thankful that there are people peppy enough to educate our youth, but I would prefer not to soberly watch them on TV.

16. Lauren H. tells Ben that her ex of 4 years was cheating on her with her friend, among others. Casanova responds, "I'm so glad you went through that and now you can be sitting here." Like I get what he's going for, but his delivery is horrible. She gets a rose.

17. Twin Emily is going to be the martyr for the team and tell Ben about Olivia's awfulness. It never works out well to be the girl who tattles on another girl first. She then has one of the greatest phone call meltdowns in show history when she calls her twin who is currently collecting unemployment back in Vegas (who could not sound more unsympathetic if she tried). Someone please transcribe that call for me. I need it like I need air.

18. All the girls are sitting around listening to Amanda talk about her kids, when Olivia says she feels like she's on an episode of Teen Mom. YES. Amanda is pissed and says, "First of all I was 22 when I had my first, 24 when I had my second. I'm 25, I have my shit together and that was not a very nice thing to say."

Yes, your shit is so together you are currently looking for love on national TV. PREACH.

19. Olivia tries to backtrack, but she can't so she starts crying and says that she's going to do better. Which means we are all winners.

20. Now we get to watch all the girls tattletale on Olivia to Ben. This is a train wreck in slow motion.

21. We're left with Ben asking to speak with Olivia before the rose ceremony and some TO BE CONTINUED nonsense. Then I don't see Olivia in next week's promo, and I'm officially concerned. Don't leave me!!

I'm now off to Super Bowl Week and then to Phoenix for the Waste Management Open. Look for me on the 16th party hole. I'll be the chick who looks like she's dying. Live tweeting and periscoping will be back next week @MattieLouOKTC pending I survive my red eye flight home. #PrayForMLC